........... leave me alone. again.

six o clock on the dot. dont know where to go. what to do again. as always , nothing changing around here. reall.y well theres so much. decisions and roads . paths and places. ditch one life compleatly and entirely to chase after a compleately brand new life. unlike any has ever known. just fall off one path and into a compleately different. one. perhaps i wont get to shamb this year. i could be in school for all anyone knows. one last attempt to actually make something. anything really of myself. ya so im desperate to make something of myself. and im really ready to try anything. edmonton just dosent seem to pulling that off for me. it was good for the drug scene and the party animal and the crazy shit. but really when you think abou t it never really held a real job i hate working as it is so i much rather just go and grow up already. coz im bored of the party. i've been hrowing up at expedential speed all my life. well why wouldn't i want to continue on. i said i grew up fast as a kid and again as a teenager now im an adult and the chance to do that is here once again. i want to i need to i have to follow it. its the way of mylife. growing at 10X rate. i got told the other day i was thought to be about 27. thats older than cassie one of my bffs. well thats compleately true. i feel a whole lot older than i really am i aim stuck again hating that im 21. i wish i was older all the time i always have i always wished i was older than i really am becasue i dont realte to those some call peers. i felt 21 when i was honestly like 17 or 18. or younger. like really i feel honest to god i feel like i should be like 25 or 26 at least. perhaps acording to life advantages and disadvantages and bumps and grinds and experiences and excursions. but anywyas. point is im ready to move on i thik. to carry on something solid and foundational. something real and honest ad pure. maybe this is it. the one where i dont need anyone else. i heard it happen to people before. but i also hear a lot of shit about love and i dont know what to expect really but i think i got my self in an amazing thing right here. maybe ill be all old school and like find my mate when im 21 for ever..... you knever really know. like hti s girl is a little of everything i always liked about girls and women in genral. its amazing what i feel inside and for er . sometimes i think its compleatley unreal. and i compleately underestimated myself and surely dont deserve this. like i dont want to say to much but im really happy and i got alot going for me and i think i might just want to disappear for a while to to start a new from ground up i always said from ground up i have to start. and theres always steps to that and in a relationship you have to compromise and get long and all that. and its easy and good and i like it. oits a challenge. i heard it once called like a vedo game. i am very sure im on a good thing and allthat. so baby steps as they say and and one step at a time they also say that. one foot in fron of the other. it will be okay and alright. maybe its a good thing to just vanish for a while. not like anyone would notice. but wheni return ill be beter. thats my goal to get better in all ways. and mostly to gain insight. and be awesome. but 10X!!!