my head.

my head is filled. with untamed thoughts
and weird complexions
something not making sense.
things are going off track
im vunerable and helpless
i want to speak up.
but i cant hear my own self

im here. but am i really
i get lost in translation
between good and eveil arguing around my skull
i had some weird experiences that last few nights.
satuirday night. they were laughing at me for a while
last ngiht they gathered to chat around me
sarcasticlly as if i couldnt hear them

now theres two people.
one guy still and i heard a females voice.
i heard them conversing. very low
very quiet.
i didnt want to hear them
i wished they werent there.
a few times they shouted.
and i turned around scared
still conversing in my head.
but it feels like
there standing rght behind me

i wish i copuld tell someone
who wouldnt judge me
or turn me into the psychotic hospital
i couldnt handle it there.
they would restrain me
they would make me take pills
try adn make me better
am ui really sick>? or can i pull this one off

being psychotic in this world
isnt a great trait to have.
not even being mental is.
i could try and look normal.
am i really normal. or will someone
figure this out
i cant hold this secret to close to me
or its feared and predicted that i might
not make it out very well

i hate shrink i hate doctors.
i hate pills i hate meds
i need to just be normal
but thats so boring.
i dont mind these voices in my head.
they only scare me only when they start coming arounda gain.
if they leave like they had been
im usualy fine.
but now that they are filing back into my spac

i just need to focus on my company.
my little friend is coming back
hes settling in
was on vacation for a bit i suppose.
now i need to make room
hopefuly he will be nice.
maybe he wont.
ill take action.
i bring him down.
i cant remember what made him go away last
just the mindset.
how i loved my free life and did everything

i can get back to that.
i can make it like that again
find peace within myself again
i am older
more experienced
but i am leaving this place
and going to a new one

these are the weeks to make or break

pressure has risen
leaning on my own self and own
here its just a pile of mountians
between me and the ocean.
i need that coast.
i need to getout of here alive
once and for all. i cant get caught on
i need to focus
i need to relate. i
i need to just go

its hard now.
i dont know why i think shit
i dont know why i hear shit
i just need to do shit
i m just really glad im not actually seeing shit yet.
i really hope i dont get to that that point
that would be the fuck up
its in my head now
im on my own her.e

nobody really gets me
to be the real me
i need to focus
not on anyone else but me
i need to be selfish
i need to not be a nice guy for a while
i need to be here for me
really get into what i want and not what other people want
from me
its time to disconnect from
this realtiy and focus on myself for a long time

i cant care about other people anymore
they cared about me
but i havent
i need to just do it for me
not for nobody else
get back to that mindset i lost a while ago
fuzzy and faded.

i cant
i need to forget
i need to not be her.e
i need to leave.
gtfo. never come back
i cant come back this place. is. .


its snowing
im really glad it didnt snow on my birthday or party
fuck saturday. it.
i dont even know waht happened.

ugh. i hate this.

its all over now

she came in.
raised some hell
called a few harsh words
her words cant hurt me
im immune to insult
you can try and
wreck me with your words
but it wont happen
ill tear you apart faster
my words are razor sharp.
i always win in the end
i choose how this day will end
i ended this day
take your shit
take your crap
im over this.

its ok

stress no more
your out on the table now
theres no secrets here
were tight like that
just sail in the wind of life
just float on by.
get noticed but dont make too much
wave. in the shallow pit of life
just float. on . gentle
like a breeze. just make enough impact
that the next day can feel it.
yout still thought of.
possibly dreamt of.
stay in the minds of the persons
you are closest to. and they
will stay in yours
forever never lost.
translate the creativity
and the hard hand of honesty
when it slaps you in the face
dont just stand there like you didnt know
ill tell you to your face
how disgusted i am with it all
i lied to myself when i was there
and now i cant afford to do that anymore
i need to take chances
i need to risk it all
i need to be in my own skin
and talk for my own sake
i want to be my own.
you would of ended up slowly killing me.
im moving on.
tharer are much better things in life
much better things to do when single.
ill never forget my experiecnes.
ill never look back
ill never regret
ill live for the moment in whatever momwnt im in
weather it be close or stray.
ill be there.
count on me

Here we go.

this can has been opened. and itn not done.
the Ex gf will find out today. by the intrest herself.
face to face. one on one. single handedly.
what will this bring
what will this create. will it fuck up
will it not matter. maybe she will laugh.
maybe she will laugh at me..? hmm

tough situation i dont know waht to do with.
confusion. helplessness.
just hanging here waiting for a answer
another move. another motive.

im happy its going down tonite.
good as night as ever. 4 days away. from the party
now the coast is clear.
maybe she will float a little closer to me
i would love that. id hold her touch her. feel her. touchy feely
i told her straight up
just tell her. you want to . i knew it was going down to nite.
i had a feeling all day.
and here we go. only about 3 hours till i figure out
how this bomb will blow up.
will it even blow up?
i can only sit pace wait.
day by day. minuet by minuet.
agony. regret. nervousness. all combined into one.

this is a grenade. after heather knows its about time every one knew.
tonights actions will depict whats going down for real on saturday.
will i have a stand in. will i have to stand in for myself.
will it be awkward. will it be the best ever.
i can only throw the dice and wait for them to land.

here i go .

someones crushin

shes stuck. in her head connected to mine. she sits and waits and i maintain my quiet complexity. staring off to space, through my periferals i can see her. stare at me for just more than the tsandard blink. she catches herself. looks back to where im looking. but im watching her. i notice only her. the every movement. the every shadow. wondering, cautiously. we wander through the zig zag of complexity and secrecy slowly building up more courage everyday. mmmm she kissed me that night. one of the best ones i ever had. man now thats two pretty sweet ass kisses now. and now she wants to rip my clothes off every time she sees me. a turn on. i think so. theres so many things i could say to that. i have her wrapped around my finger so gently and cautiously. i have to keep my steady posture though . this is a secret mission. just the two of us. wandering aimlessly through the path. i have no clue whats going on. and she sure as hell dosent have the first clue. eve ry thing is new to her. everythign is the first time all over again. i need to make it memorable. theres pressure there. just slightly. what was my first time with a chick like. did i hate it. was it gentle. was it crazy. i want to make her head spin.; catch her by surprise. but coast in gently and softly like it was so natural. it needs to feel real. it needs to take time. i cant spook her. this is brand new territory for me as well. its like were in a dark room just us and we have no idea waht to do or say. im stuck now. i dont wnt to go tooo far ahead. in fear she oculd fall for me. or worse. i could fall for her. that would be bad especially when im trying to keep it low key and personal yet distanced at the same time. but her taste dosent escape me. stuck there on repeat. hmm. think. i need to move out and on. i need to do my own thing. this isnt even a fling its just an adventure lets say. just something fun along the way. dont get in to deep. you cant afford that. just have some fun and relax. take it easy. she loves the attention and fuck yah you do. too. this weekend will be tricky. its our combined birthdays. we cant seem to keep hands off each other too long after we had a few drinks or two. or a toke and a half. heres the sticky side. . the ex gf will be there. its gonna be hard shit. i dont want to turn the exon any more than i want to turn her on. an the ex will be after me. and her bf will be after her and its gonna be one big fuck up. but i know i got her wrapped around me. i got her in tight. she wants me. she wants to rape me for god sakes. shes the one who has the crush on more than i ever thought origniall.y

so good.

last night she came to me
smelled me, touched me
i didnt have to call her
but she looked so good.

she tasted so sweet
tender and soft, gentle and
pressedly lightly agaisnt my lips.
she wants me, it tastes so good.

the rips in her clothes
were just begging for more
i couldnt even keep my hands off
oh but she moved so good.

her eyes were like diamonds
sparkled along with them jewels
embedded into her jeans.
she can tease me so good

wrapping my arms around her
tightly like i never want to let go
i only get a few minuets to touch her
these are the moments that are so good

now what!

holy shit balls fuck.

i don't even know what to do or say right now.
I'm so i don't even know. my head feel so floaty.\
thoughts scattered. trains off track.
i don't think i pissed him off. i really don't think he cared.
she wanted it.
she asked for it.
from the start.

i picked her signals up
even if she didn't put them there.
i read her. i got it. i felt it.
a connection. wanting needing
to venture farther. deeper. inside.


held her hand. she embraced mine
brushed my fingers across her face
her neck.her hair. made her gasp.
but she hit my weak spot dead on. perfectly .
how could i not stop. was it natural.

what is she thinking. did i fuck it up.
did i cross this line. did i fool around too far.
she held my hand. ran her palm down my jawbone my neck.
she placed my arm around her.
she cuddled up to me.

it wont go anywhere. it cant.
I'm not a home wrecker. I'm not one to destroy.
but it was safe. it was all go. he was all with it.
I'm sure i aroused him more when i kissed her
deeply. ? I'm unsure. i couldn't think.

thinking was past me. my heart was
beating to loud to bother listening to my brain
not fast. just loud. I'm surprised at how calm
maintained the situation. her fingers petting
the small of my back

i cant help my jolty moves. every now and again.
i lost it. control. shes touching me
I'm holding her. shes falling
in and out of consciousness. floating away.

how can it mean anything
I'm just being crushed on.
my only responsibility is to
leave this place in good working order and make sure i make no bad blood.
which i haven't. but Ive been kind of sloppy as of late

but they say I'm just really chill and almost ot easy.
but fuck you all. she went down my pants. first. touched me there. first.
she went there. i let her taste a little .
i didn't want her to rush it.
but my pants came this close to .
dropping off.

mm mm, now my brain is filed with wickedness.
my head can't be clear. I'm so fuzzy. inside i feel odd
strangely funny. in a good way .i feel like i
have never done that in my life.


thrilling. exciting. what i live for,
and the whole make a straight girl kiss me.
and have crush on me. not even made her do that.

she pulled that one on her own.
what dose it mean. she want to go more. farther.
i want more. i sure hope i left her wanting more.
the crazy shit i get into .
the insane stuff i can get away with.
the way i can wrap peoplea round my finger.

oh to be jazz is quite wonderful
and i freaking love being single.