Alas here i am yet once again in a state of question with no answer. i often come abroad as cconfused ans i cant keep a straight thought in my mind. theres so much much for me to ponder i dont know if i can or not. so many roads to take so many people to talk to . i just dont know. topics such as love, as new beginnings, as rejectiona dn condemmnation, as hate and abstractness. returning to an old life whilst leaving the present behind. i want to understand i just dont want the internal questions bother ing me. with this itchy coughi wonder wil i get any sleep tonite?
i was pondering the thought of love. and i do love my girlfriend very very much and i do want to be with her for a long tme, but it seems the thought that she wants something more that i cant give her bothered me and i have no idea why it would. she loves me and i beleive her but i was with another person earlier this year who is still haunting me and i know i need to let go of. i know i cant go on healthlilywho i seem to not be anble to get over. and im not sure as to why. she tells me these things and i understand but i dont want to be apart of it. she leads people on and makes them beleive something thats entirely untrue. i dont agree with it, but she hits my soft spot. all i want in life is a pure love. not one with comebacks and slaps in the face and untrue suggestions. you know, i dont like being put down but it seems thats the way heather is. al i want is a true love i love heather for the way shes nice to me and the way she dose thigs for me and is here for me unlike other people, but i dont like the put downs i thinkim going totalk to her, but idont really pay attention to what she says but i know it hurts but me when its said and i dont say anything being me shrugs it off and forgets about it only to be slapped again on the other cheeck. i know somethngs are jokes between us but its something i think i have to monitor and pay close attention to. i also have to be so unobsessive but whenim insecure i cling to the thing thats closest to me. youve seen it all before i becaame insecure in high schoola nd i clung to Raina and in other places i clung to ther people. but i dont know why i feel so insecure (p.s i hate being sick) maybe becasue i fucked up yet another joba nd i cant stay focused. its hard for me i want to work and i want money but i only want certain jobs with certain people not people who give me headaches cuz i cant understand them. theres so much i want to do like get ready for school and to stay in school cuz i hate working part time jobs. i hate them, they gove me no form of satisfatction i just wnat to go back to school and get a real job thati actually like that i can actually look forward to and i can actually make aliving off of. i need to stop living the life im am right now i need to actually concenttrate on the tings i want most
1)
CAR
2) SCHOOLING
3) TRAVEL
4) PEace
5) dance
6) love
7) happiness
this is all i want and i need to get to it. i need to get out of this mind set thats holding me back and listen tothe beats drop low soberly and realize there isnt no stress and i can do it. i need to let go of the people holding me back i need to let go of the thoughts winding me down and i nee to focus on me and me only and the people who are able to help me.
i hate winter
i just makes me depressed cuz i spend all my time inside and when im outside im miserable cuz im cold and lonely. i want to be free and i want to live life the way i want to
i need to go bck to a faith and i need to stop letting myserlf be cut down i cannot allow it. i need to be head strong and get my self back on my feet. this is my life and wheneveri get in these little holes i need toget out. a lil weed here or there is fine but i have one month left to work then i want to be back inthat desk as of Febuary 2nd wehter its in St. Joes or in Centeral High ineed to be back and getting my mind back on board. i dont know wjhere its meltingto but its going nowjere. work or no work i need to stop being so lame
end of story
stop being so depressive
