a Lesson Learned

So i have come to the conclusion that my Girlfriend and I are not compatible partiers. None at all. We both tlike to have a good time, but we have very different ways of having fun or being high. me i like to go about, wander around, have fun, but her oin the other hand is a i find a good spot and i dont move and no one touches me. really strange something im tottally not used to, and yeah shes told me, but i think this last weekend has put a slight burn on our relationship. i mean a few hours before we did them i had to tell her about my lost iPod. that didnt set very well, and i wanted to hang out at the Club, but i also had a bad feeling about Jon and his friends you know. and how compleatleay done they were, had no idea who i was, no idea about anything....and yeah... and that feeling was right, after the Y they peaced out apparently and went to some friends place, prolly did lines of coke and stuff and passed out on some random floor, so i didnt end up going either so i chilled with heather and friends, with them doing lines of coke and the three of us doing E and stuff..and trying not to be "sketch" i was called, but i was, at one point Everybody was talking at the same time trying to talk over each other and i honestly cant do that i love my music, and oi love talking to epople but if a whole room of people are all talking at once, i get confused and fusterated and i was getting that way it was weird...i mean Drew and them were alright, pretty fun..Drew kept hitting on me most of the night..hes a cutie, good friend, rich ass, oh and heather got mad at me for not getting some money or anything...but im totally different i like to share things and i like to be friendly and move and meet people and have a fun environment, but sitting around is alright for some time. i dunno, so then after that i was dying on Lelands bed, trippin Balls in the dark room and my eyes rollin back i was so fuckin high, i mean it was great, but so high...lol... but i was alos kindof uncomfortable, i dunno...so i dont think i want to get high with her no more...she has her ways that im not used to right now...i like doing my rthing especially dancing and stuff and meeting people.i mean if theres too many people i freak out too, but the Y holds a good amount every now and again that its free.... but so anyways after we attempted to sleep i finally came down some but was stilpretty high, i got driven home and that morning i just couldnt think a thing, my mind was blank and i couldnt say anything...i just had nothing to say....so i stayed silent...and wandered up to my room, and called up Doug to help me get weed and smoke somewith me so he did we drove to the west end and got the guud stuff and came back and blazed hard.. talked alot, got to know each other, diid some serious cuddle time. Hes sucha cool friiend, tottal ynot what i expected him but at the same time everything his character puts out to be, listening to the Weird language station, Broadway musicals, cool stuff like that, we have a lot of same views and same intrests, i love smokin pot and chillin likei did yesterday and i had so much fun.....and all day Saturday just chilled the fuck out..didnt sleep yet cuz we had to go to Sherwood park, made plans to go to the y, dropped off some stuff to Jon and Melissa to get ready and went back, and had a nap, but i was texting my gf, and i dunno even then i felt like i was still intruding on her again and thats one thing i dont like, so all day today i was kinda like should i call her, or text her, sor should i let her call me ect ect...like she needed serious space from me cuz im just that awkward...and i dont mind her not coming over tonite...i mean if she wants to she can, but i think maybe rioght now she might need some serious space....i just dont know...anyways that nap that lasted like 13 hours was pretty great, just ...Solid sleeping. it was fantastic ive never had such a good chill day in a long time...i was so like great...i want to do it again..chill out smokin all day yeah....then my gf was being awkward over slightly El phone...just not talking as much but whatever i guess....might of been off for her too. but im chillin here, gonna sleep then see if she wants to hang out tommorrow afternoon, as i come back from my interview at like 12 or so, then i'll sleep some more till she calls me and/ or comes over and or what, then maybe we'l tlak or somethin. i dunno, even today, she wasnt as cheerful as i usually see or hear her...i unno...i dont want to lose her, i really do love her...alot i aint lying and i want to make it work,..well something to get used to...we nee to start spoending more time apart possibly, cuz its gettin to the fact that i cnt sleep at night if she isnt there, so i can hear her breathing. or i can wake up next to her and just have the best day. she really is like the greatest part in any day. just her being there makes everything, but i definitly dont like the awkward turtle stuff that was goin on this weekend even till today even, it makes me feelilike i did something wrong or i said something stupid or somethingwent wrong and shes mad or something i dunno. so something we'll work out, hopefully fo rhte best... i love her so loves me apparetnly until this weekend...., but i often find it hard to gage how much a person likes me or even loves me you know so we'll see how it goes.... hopefully i dint fuck up too too bad.... :(

*sigh* With love

Today is a day of Testing and PErsistence. OVer the summer i had made plans to meet a good friend of mine for a hour or two in a local coffee shop. No strings attached, nothing seemed to go wrong, until i was left standing in that coffee shop with no avail of this person showing up. Being stood up is one of the things thats hurts the most after months and months of talking, learning, sharing, laughing and bonding. Why did i even give her a second chance, im not sure, maybe it was a fault of the heart. or not. But today 5 months after the inital meeting, after a change of progress and a thought od the heart, hopefully things wont be blown up in my face once again, but one can only hope i am destined to meet her underneath the rollercoatser where she said she had the moment of truth the last time we, officially met. hopefully the other intruder wont bother showing up, cuz i need her to know it just isnt worth it, you have the whole weekend to hang with your little love of your life, while me on the other hand onyl has a few named hours, of which im sure your creepin around anyways. so i leave this only to fatem the feelings ion my stomach are slightly uneasy but again i put my trust in her so maybe she can come thru maybe she can really show me whats important in life, being controlle by a bastard, or following her own heart. we are bound to find out. until next time

here goes

i remeber there used to be a time when i loved, when i did everything for one person and one person only, i used to know what the truest feeling of a love meant, i felt those butterflies, i felt those weak knees, the way i lost my breathe looking into her eyes. I miss her. there are no names spoken in this cuz to many people could read this and make assumptions. But alot has happened in sich a short time, broken heart, stabbed ego, break-up and love made. I remember when the world made sense when i spoke her name, but you know not everyhting is meant to be. i thought iwas meant to be with her, i thought she was supposed ot be my High School Sweetheart, all the things she told me, all the things we shared, made so much sense, was so intense, was everything that could ever be real, and now here i am left in the dark, saying im inlove with other people, but all i really want is the other person to die and i could just walk in and make lke it used to be. But theres no use, i've go on to far, ive go on to long...the feelings have diminihsed and have burnt to a long lost Ash in the bottom of my broken shattered heart. I can sometime hear her voice when i wake up in the middle of the night. Those few ytimes we talked... but what is that. a pppy love that i only expericence between the hate of the Man. the man she is destined to marry, althought i can see she is unstabel i still think of her sometimes, on nights like these when im alone, and bored, and my mind wanders and i contemplate my past mistakes, maybe she was a mistake, or maybe i was, or my heart. i will never know as all i can do now is wander around lost and hopeless, numb and dumb looking and searching for those feelings i lost in my heart that i gave to her. She still has it but no ione knows. As i carry on, caring about others and trying not to amke the same mistakes cuz i would hate for another to go thru the exactr same pain i felt that week my heart was standing on end and then destroyed...the peices were picked up enogh that i could carry on, dating a few others, not quite feeling the fist feelings of even a single butterfly....except now.

Time has gone on so long and people have been forgotten, new people have been met, some otehr people have felt pain, hurt, some popel just arent compatible. Alot has been learnd and alot more has to be learned. mistaked pondered and life goals reached, some left behind, but all in all, these people all have ghad some form of impact on me at somepoint and i dont forget. i may look like i forget but i will never. She was my Fisrt love...was supposed ot be my only...i was suppose to save myself from this wasted wandering, i soent over the summer, this waste of my body, i loved at one point and i do slowly again once mroe, but its a process jusr cuz i need to be healed too, i may not look as strong as i am, but i can hapen.

Love

Walking around my Good intentions

Cigarette smoke.
Crisp Cool Breath
The Unforgotten scent and effect of a lover
Wandering thoughts...off on a midnight blue sky

Where did the time go
How did this all change so
...miraculously without me knowing
In the dead of Night, still I am waiting for dawn

Yet I never want this to end...this...dream...
But yet, solid sincere reality...
Has me fighting against a strange concept...
One I forget to realize is the netting between the difference

Holding on for the dearest of time
has me off in a Trance..of the yet unknown
The purgatory state, between the living and the imagination
as no one else has seen, in this segment

The sharp hisses of the opposition,
one for a another, but not for me, fighting for truth.. both
on these dead streets, and in my head
rise up for desperate pleas to surrender

Surrender to What? i cry...always
Screaming for answers, dying for serenity
It rises and falls, ===
=== always catching by surprise
the next wandering thought;

...:::Flying by a starry eyed night:::....
-----lost in translation, between developing concepts
and balancing the existing sub-conscious
Tripping and stumbling through existence
~!~
As the voices come nearer, we dip deeper...
More thoughtfully more truthfully in once ourselves
they call society, to critic and to acclaim them once lost
We were all once lost too...as we say good-bye
<>
The wind flies furiously past my reality
...breaching the smoke, and dissolving the shade of misery
Falling upon a dead weight, i thought--my death do i part
But yet i cannot persue and accept the weak of what i once...


< Still faltering after all these years
----->>> Tumbling and stalking forward
in ^the^ rhythm^ of^ the^ external ^beat...

Completely overcoming the still life
of the known daylight, of what seems dusk
-------
Still wondering, still altering and finally dreaming
Into that once again trance state

Wanting to escape, wanting to be free
But not knowing a soul on the outside
Not knowing existence beyond what matters
The heart, and the mind, the trance

As my grasp weakens, undone on the hold

of inner peace and security, falling
away yet not so peacefully, but struggling to stay lit
In the dusk of this long winters night

My cigarette smoke drifting away slowly
The clean, white smoke, exhaled gently::::;;....
Fosters what lies within my own shell:::::^'''''
And the depth of what i can only wish

11.04.08-J.Haynes