for the last while i have learned to become quite dormant. dwelling on living at home . with very limited or no connection to the world. just by the bare minimum. i dont talk much anymore. i dont have many thoughts. so i smoke that out. thru my pipe and hash. of grass. like i dont care. i could. but,..
maybe i don't. i could be slightly happy with this. to lean on. always have cash. just enough to get by. take the transit. just far enough to work. work enough. just to get by. it has become a cycle. of sorts. returning always to the same spot. finding yourself at work. the same thing you did yesterday.l like your flipping over a gigantic burger in a night. instead of flipping over many burgers.
one job. , multiple tasks. everyday. forgetting what day it is. until when your gut knows it craves weekend!!. and soon enough a new paycheck floats in and bills are paid... ... SURPRISINGLY having Much more money than expected!! after the fact the business has been complete. i LLOOOOve it. Yet it is Repetitive work.
which SUCK SO MUCH I COULD BLOW DONKEY NUTS.
as a Scorp, i cant do that . repetitive. it drive me insane,.. if i had to screw bottle caps i would shoot my self aii,
but as to advantages and being a Scorp, i adapt easier to it. as well. it seems the same work. but i mix it up all the time, same stuff. different day. i got it. covered. silently . yet doing it all.
like i mind! it a JOB. its my Job i gotta keep it . not like ill lose it. but i gotta give it my all. do a good job every day or im not satisfied thus my bossladyno satisfied. .. lol but really she dont care. BUT SRSLY i Got Haunted with the Hardworking Ethic in my blood or somewheres. because all my jobs have been 110%. arrrrh *tackle* approaches and i admit i have a tendency to actually work my self to the bone. non stop. all the time. not for money but because it has to be a good job done well. i happen to do most things well beyond any managers approval. fast learning. i work with it. it works for me. its just hilarious to actually see and kno the facts of how im a ex drug addict. hard partier, drinker , smoker and toker!. LOL i cant get enough of those either. so its strange the places i hold up in life separately. but also puppet around to work. genius. ly
i Duno. maybe now my work life is all there is and there isnt that party animal raging no more. i wish it was. i really really wish times would go back again. and it would just be waiting for me like that time i went to the club and i as i walked in. everyone i seemed to kno was there. the beats were loud a nd fresh and everyone was saying my name. and a few people ran to get me a hugg. all night was an awesome night. dancing all away.; lost underground. seeking a light and a beat in the bass. .. .. .damn. i think that was the night of the Hotel. and i holed out with the best of my Crew. the day never seemed to end. it couldn't of. aha . . shame i kno. emotional yes. personal . very. to be so in touch. and to have my own community. and to have something to escape to. and to thrive off and to have fun. with and to lose my self in. was the great est ever. and i let it slip out of my hands and ...
always a party. always a reason. always knew someone somewhere . didnt care where i was. or where i went. always something. new people. new places. new beats. omg. shambahala would of been awesome for me right .then. i dont think i coud actually go now and have it affect me in the same way. *tears* everything was so new and fresh and exciting. everything was rolling. i could of taken off that summer. went to shamb. had a hay day. had everything i ever wanted. it would of changed my life.
i dont have it anymore. that fiery passion known as Jazz. Known as Crazy. Drastic. non Systematic. fresh free and funny. 100 % its weird. im so focused on work . like its been my rehab . and it really has. always there. always a good reason. for rent and life. without. learned to pack up and move on. tuned in so many times to watch it disappear and now i know its gone. to many new people feeling to insecure. to lost. in the crowd. feeling to small. to let go.
dont want to be dormant working all the time and never seeing things or meeting new people or even not liking people. *sigh* i cant believe how much things change when i changed my self. haven't snuffed in about 8 months or so i cant keep track. i dun remember . juss been smoking it indoors. being alone in the middle of the universe. and on the outside too. its so weird. what i got myself into. or where i could of been going. wish i could just read the future. both sides. see where i going now on this path. and and where i would of went on other paths. could kno the right way to turn and the funnest the best the greatest. i wouldn't ask for anything else. just to be able to get what want. like it would happen.
even now.
looking at other people i drifted away from . everyone going there separate ways. there own roots and paths branching out. barely coming back. and im stuck in the middle dont kno where to go or how to get there.; no idea how i got this way. wish i knew. wish i had reasoning. maybe i depressed and scared to move on because i cant be prepared. fear settles in and i live with it. guilt for letting down my guard.
oh well. its been good over here. too. that for a different blog. till then.
J
