How much dose it take for a dream to turn from Fear to Excitment? How long do we have to fight against ourselves and those risks we leave untaken. The world sipns day after day and week after week, and we hold ourselves back from the real world, hiding away from the feats and the simple truths in our society. What we make of this world, to the difficultly of differnt situations, we have a tendency...
I have a tendancy. I have a tendancy to think and a the worse, think hard and long and grab an idea and run with it. Many of my greatest risks, have been well thought out, to a point moreso. But when one idea runs out, i go back to the drawing board and figuralize another great attempt to make it in this world. Many thought up plans were done that way, that never ended going anywhere in the end. Many i deas were thought up then scratched, then sometime later i almost regret not going with it.
These i deas then have a funny way of forming into Goals. That i pursue, in great desparte attempts, only becasue i leave it for so long until its about to explode. Ghen panic comes in and overtakes everything, and since i ama performer overall, so i can act cool clam and collected. Casue its all on the apperance these days isn't it? Aren't all we obsessed wirth nowadays are the outward appearnce of ourselves. How we dressis equivalent to the way our houses look. Oh yeah, go tthat remark froma homeless person themselves. Took a look at my jeans, there was a rip in them that spread an said, “Gosh!, i hope your place dosent look like your pants...” I loooked at her and havent lighted my smoke at that point, stared her straight in the facer and said, :Now what the Hell dose that mean?” She backed away again, slightly and said “well there a mess, i hope your house isnt a mess...” I glared her straight in the face and shook my head, casue i had nothing at that point to say, but i was more than willing to puch her in the face. I walked away, leaving it behind me, somehwat, until know, when i sit im my clean apartment, and look around and check the date on the expiry label. Says here i should be getting an eviction notice sometime soon. But honestly i dont hink it all about outsode apperance. Its whats inside that matters...the outside is just a shell..I love to have fun with my friends, but i am naturally a very quiet person, and i may look really tough and concrete but those are my walls talking. What you see on the outside is only a image of the vastness unknown. The Sea of darkness dwelling inside the shell. But its not all darkeness...it has wit and humor and a passion and compassion and care and love...and everything...i could ever ask for and it all came form differnt people who have impacted me, so i want to impact others in the same way....
Being jobless for more than a month, isnt the greastest vacation ever, casue when your unemployed, you dont get paid very much. You dont get paid to hand out resumes, you dont get paid to spned hours, walking around and looking for help wanted. You dont get very much when you have no job. It's not like i wasn't trying. Hell oi was out there in the thick of the jobsearch with multiples of resumes and cover letters and such. I passed to them to anyone who looked like they were hiring. And in that entire month i passed out about 125 resumes to various areas through out theCity of Edmonton. But out of everything i only get ONE interview at WEM in the large theater...3 days after my Rent was due thsat i could afford because i had no freaking job. They phone me July 3rd, after i had already been through my thinking and my goal preparing. I was like, sure...i really donthtink there is actually any point whatsoever in going to it. I have no home. I am staying here illegally, as of last tuesday and i need to figure out where to go.
So i have a certian someone who may be able to pick me up and take me away to B.C later this month. With the money i earn at “Work” at the Capital EX this year i can probably get somewhere over there, as a start. I need a change. I cant handle it here anymore. Everyone's all the same and everybody is all like boring and neutral. And since i have nothing holding me here anymore, i feel i should just head out and go see the world. Theres a whole life aheadof me and i know what i want to do with it. I just have to learn and explore and observe. Three things i am great at. So wether it be by foot or by trucker or any other form of transprotation i want to make it to the East coast by Next Summer. Its all about dreaming BIG and making your Goals HUGE and pushing yourself, and keeping things in persective.and looking at the bigger picture.i have never been more scared and more passionate at the same time...
There is absolutely nothing holding me here....i have 75Cents to my name at this monent, no job no house anymore. This city and tis province are so boring. My view of the open road make things so much closer...this world is huge..and im going to take it all on....one and for all....
There is a world out there. There is a world out there to be explored. I look at the world very much as i would look at my mind. Very deep, confusing, strange, complex, i little warped. And there are people out there that need to be impacted. I feel as though it is time that i go out not only to redefine my outlook and aspect of the world, to find myself in who i truly can be no matter how much it can get crazy.
I mean i have always lived on the edge of life, i have always pushed myself to the end of any situation and this will only be another projuect. Im always on the loook out for differnt persepctives. I am always open to talk to, to let you dig deeper. As solid as i look im actually quite the softie. I can open up easily and wont back down. All it takes is the first move. Willit be you or me
the open road, the new scents of air, the tastes of it all...I understand its going to be a rough start but being me and basically fighting for myself since the mere age of eight i believe i have a good head on my shoulders, a good support system and good observation skills. I have the Wit, the Humor the personality, the charisma to get into people and explore. I love society. I love to observe, i love to think i love to learn to educate. I apprecitate my world, this society i live in, the way things work and im willing to learn.
Many lives i have impacted and theresmany more out there. Its a quest. To the unknown, where i can find the meaning of it on my way, where i can change and alter. This is my freedom, this is my life. This is my risk and im going to do it. I fought my way into this world and im going to fight my way back out trying to toucha s many people as a i can on the way wether it be large or small.
I will have a future, i will have the name, and the knowlegde to work it. And im going in full throttle.
A huge thank you to all of those people who have touched me, who have raised me, who have taught me, who have impacted me, who have loved me to unbelieveable depths, who have worried who have cared, who have dug deeper and to thos e of which i could do the same.
Thank you to my parents. Including various Friends parents who have taken me in, The only person in this world i can trust to call my own mother Karen for teaching me so much and for disciplining me and for loving me and never giving up. To my Adoptive mother who gave me the first love no matter how small it was. It impacted me. I will never for get the few good times we've had. TO my birth mother who gave me life...or i ouwldnt be able to fulfill this destiny
To my Fathers. Those who have been a father ffigure in my life. To my Dad Glenn, who has taught me, lectured me, accepted me, sat around with me, taught me to drive, taken my side, and loved me. To my Adoptive Father who has been with me my whole life the only one i know as my Father. Whos supported me, whos cared for me, whos watched ffrom a distance, gave me as much of a childhood as he could of with his own two hands...you rhard work goes a long way. To my birth father, who donated to this life....a part of you is with me even if i will never meet you.
To my Siblings all over, who have gotten in trouble with me, had fun with me, dealt with me, cried with me, comfrted me, helped me and loved me. Especially to my Litttle Sister Summer Rose as young as you are have impacted me greatky with your innocence, your curiosity, your meaningful words and touching pictures drawing and any amount spent with you day in and day out...watching you grow. The amazing gift of life you fulfill with your spirit keep me going. I love you
to my extended family, who has watched me grow up all these years and helped me out along the way with praise and critisism. Gifts and anything that has touched me.
TO my Lovers and my Exs for allowing me to find a part of me, to digging deeper into myself, for loving me mostly. And caring and support and quality time...I Love You all
and to my Friends. Each and every one of you has searched me, known me, let me talk, let me cry, let me rejoice, let me survive, let me learn, and loved me. You mean the world to me. I wouldnt want anything elese than all of you in my life to help me, support me, call me, take me out to dinner, and anything else that was small and insignifigant to those that was huge and forced me to swallow my pride at once. Who made me break, who broke down my walls who unmasked me for who i am all thru my upbringing. I cant begin to name you all. My Class mates all 12 years, my Church friends, my Blaze Friends, my Dancing friends, my random friends, my Nexopia friends..all of you have helped me grow wether greatly or just little. I appreciate you in all you are.
To my Best Friends who have held me thru the bight, who have slapped me in the face, who sat there as i flodded on your shoulder, who have spent the quality time one on one that measn the most to me. Those to who i have told my deepest secrets, my worst qualities, my greatest fears, my deepest lyrics, my everything. I owe it al to you for dupporting me all this time. For Never giving up, for bnever turning you r back, for never forgetting....and for making those memories that are burned to my own memory you are not forgotten====
Raina T, Nona L, Anthony C, Anthony M, Kim K. Ashley O. Cassie B, Petra M, Alison B, Shelby S, Lindsay W...and anyone else i have called a Bestie....
thanks to all and i love you all and you are never forgotten but greatly missed
Friday, August 29
my P.O.V
My P.O.V
ok so its four am, and i havent eaten in a while, im living on the edge of a virtural reality to come true in the slowest of forms. Why do my days have to be so dark and long...i have no idea how i am going to survive..it gets cold sometimes in the middle of the night when you have nownere to go...but i dunno, its like im back to square one...except im not running from my mother. im running toiwards my future..cause we all know theres a day out there and it has my name on it. Every day is a risk but i live in this world so i better live it to the fullest. Day in nad then right back out i have a few mottos in my life
If i live by this and by this only, i feel i can get somewhere, wether it be on the streets as a street rat, or in a large mansion with everythingi could ever ask for. I Gotit made. I mean i am not a material person. i cherish what i have and whatever i cannot pack i leave behind. we live in a world of Mass Production so i can always get a new one, even if it means a little looking behind the scenes. Ask a question, A simple innocent question can make it or break it. Hey even ask me. i could have an answer. i mean i take walks and on those walk it thik, i plan, i dream, i imagine, i look deeper into society and i develop my own personal belielfs and values...;
the more i follow these simple guidelines, the better life is..the more i succeed.
I mean a typical day to me is as follows
Yes you can say Im FUCKED..but get used to it. I Love it. Why not Love me for who i am or who i can be....
but im running out of ideas to write about....
ok so its four am, and i havent eaten in a while, im living on the edge of a virtural reality to come true in the slowest of forms. Why do my days have to be so dark and long...i have no idea how i am going to survive..it gets cold sometimes in the middle of the night when you have nownere to go...but i dunno, its like im back to square one...except im not running from my mother. im running toiwards my future..cause we all know theres a day out there and it has my name on it. Every day is a risk but i live in this world so i better live it to the fullest. Day in nad then right back out i have a few mottos in my life
thay are as follows
1.) S E I Z E T H E D A Y-- My names Written All Over it
2.) i fought my way into this life, im going to fight my way back out
3.) P.L.U.R- Peace.Love.Unity. Respect
4.) Dance=Religion=Passion
5.) N E V E R L O O K B E H I N D. L LO O K T O W A R D S T H A T H O I Z I O N. its calling out to you..Claim it
1.) S E I Z E T H E D A Y-- My names Written All Over it
2.) i fought my way into this life, im going to fight my way back out
3.) P.L.U.R- Peace.Love.Unity. Respect
4.) Dance=Religion=Passion
5.) N E V E R L O O K B E H I N D. L LO O K T O W A R D S T H A T H O I Z I O N. its calling out to you..Claim it
If i live by this and by this only, i feel i can get somewhere, wether it be on the streets as a street rat, or in a large mansion with everythingi could ever ask for. I Gotit made. I mean i am not a material person. i cherish what i have and whatever i cannot pack i leave behind. we live in a world of Mass Production so i can always get a new one, even if it means a little looking behind the scenes. Ask a question, A simple innocent question can make it or break it. Hey even ask me. i could have an answer. i mean i take walks and on those walk it thik, i plan, i dream, i imagine, i look deeper into society and i develop my own personal belielfs and values...;
1.) I believe in a Higher Power...hey Maybe God is a Girl
2.) Everybody has a history
3.) Something you just cant think enough for
4.) i value my honesty, my trusthwortyness, my spontaneous-ness, most importnantly my F R E E D O M
5.) I never know when im making a memory...so keep that in check
6.) I impact people everyday. i dont need to wait until THAT MOMENT when someone tells me when im old and retired and saggy and my looks have left, and my style has altered....im doing it right now..Live and Streaming in Full color and Time
7.) Tims is a nuisance
8.) Confidence= look good, feel good, Be good..all around Full Circle
9.) your friends are your Family, when your family aren't your friends
10.) WEED is a Friend. CRACK and anything smoked thru a small Glass=End of Your LIFE Little Pills=good times and a story told in a mass flurry of blazing bright sticks....
2.) Everybody has a history
3.) Something you just cant think enough for
4.) i value my honesty, my trusthwortyness, my spontaneous-ness, most importnantly my F R E E D O M
5.) I never know when im making a memory...so keep that in check
6.) I impact people everyday. i dont need to wait until THAT MOMENT when someone tells me when im old and retired and saggy and my looks have left, and my style has altered....im doing it right now..Live and Streaming in Full color and Time
7.) Tims is a nuisance
8.) Confidence= look good, feel good, Be good..all around Full Circle
9.) your friends are your Family, when your family aren't your friends
10.) WEED is a Friend. CRACK and anything smoked thru a small Glass=End of Your LIFE Little Pills=good times and a story told in a mass flurry of blazing bright sticks....
the more i follow these simple guidelines, the better life is..the more i succeed.
I mean a typical day to me is as follows
Sun Up
3pm-Wake up=7am
4pm-Out in Public=8am
5-8pm-Hang/work/chill/walk=9-12pm
9pm-Lunch/Drag up/Work...=1pm
10pm-3am=DANCE Outlet=2-7pm
4am-6am=fin a friend to talk with and hangout with/walk home..ect...or work (Busk) = 8-9pm
7 to 3-SLEEP yesss = 10pm-6am
3pm-Wake up=7am
4pm-Out in Public=8am
5-8pm-Hang/work/chill/walk=9-12pm
9pm-Lunch/Drag up/Work...=1pm
10pm-3am=DANCE Outlet=2-7pm
4am-6am=fin a friend to talk with and hangout with/walk home..ect...or work (Busk) = 8-9pm
7 to 3-SLEEP yesss = 10pm-6am
To Sun Up
Yes you can say Im FUCKED..but get used to it. I Love it. Why not Love me for who i am or who i can be....
but im running out of ideas to write about....
MORE TO COME
Altar Ego
JAYDEN HAYNES
Chameleon of Seven's
7 different personalities in your dramatical life....in this dramtical WORLD
ALSO -RAVER, TRANCE, Dancer, spinner,
comedian, entertainer, performer
Drag KING by night...
Mr. Jayden Haynes
Chameleon of Seven's
7 different personalities in your dramatical life....in this dramtical WORLD
ALSO -RAVER, TRANCE, Dancer, spinner,
comedian, entertainer, performer
Drag KING by night...
Mr. Jayden Haynes
Friday the 13th REmixed
FRIDAY the 13th....i swear to god
THE SHORT VERSION
FUCKED UP, must of beeen a few weeks behind on the Friday 13th...*-)
THE EXTEDED version of my night...actually day....
**Names changed to protect Privacy**
*sigh* aiight, so here it is at 1:30 this afternoon, i awake from a long slumber in the dreamless depths of my sleep. To awaken to the fact that i could of slept more if i tried, but i mean it was just after 12pm. So i awake, to meet my lady, the beauty i speak to thru a screen here at home on a daily basis. So we chat it up, i have to head out to buy a few things for Sundays Drag Show, Jayden Haynes DEBUT...so i pick that up, grab some lunch at the hot dog stand and walk back. Keep in mind i am still sobering up from last nights drunken High correct, so everything is still spinning and tilted. I finally make it home to once again converse with this fine woman. Then it strikes me i have a concert to be at in about 45mins, so i dress up again, and head out uptown. Meeting a friend of mine, we walk and talk about RAVE clubs and other good stuff found down east...so then we meet another friend this time we go buy some smoke and i head out to the square at which the concert will be happening. So i rock out at the square, had a beer, and stood around, from there i get dinner and meet up with some other Mohawk-ians, fairly young but attractive hawks. So then we head out to another square, roll a smoke and pass around. so then we go get some good water at the near by store, from there i make my way home, and get ready for the double shift at my clubbing. i hook, up and have another smoke and head out...from here, pretty sure my mother was trying to syke me out by tripping me out with the rental car, i shook my head and continued walking making sure i lose them on the way...
AT the club, the tunes are spinning, i jump on the phone with Ay, and have a short conversation and who walks up but F** and C***** (DRAMA #1) whilst i'm on the phone with Ay. of course they we there and meeting up with the supposed 'engaged' girlfriend. o.O So we wait to go back in side and seven or more other people i knew show up, i give them a hug when out of nowhere the Bi-sexual chicks i wanted to hook up with come together on there own. No men involved. (DRAMA #2) so my friend and acquaintances have arrived when who else decided to show up but the chick we wanted to take home ( me and C***** last Saturday). Turns out she has a big tall butch girlfriend. (DRAMA #3) So we all inside dancing i am so fucked up right now, half feeling completely awkward and confused. So at this point i meet Nicklebert and Aa*** and Nikki. So i feel as though Nikki doesn't want to talk to me right about now, just from the past and stuff like that. >.< (DRAMA #4) and who else just to top this off to make it even theres an unnamed personnel in the club that i have a feeling is talking jack about me behind my back but obviously in front of me (DRAMA #5) so here we are all like confused, i got to have another smoke before i have to leave for my next Bar shift. AND to make my night that much more...a drunken girl whos hot for butch chicks stops me from going in and makes out, sucks my face as i go inside. (sub-DRAMA #1) So im in the club and look who i find next to the bar but the very same chick and her girlfriend..conveniently. These chicks i met at the Broken Hero concert, asked for a cigarette and then saw them at pride the next day. We conversed and i throw a few flirts out to play along. (sub-DRAMA #2) then theres all my friends and good stuff like that. But out off all of this im taking a break from the drama pool on the dance floor, feeling completely awkwarded out by Ken getting physically mauled by her butch girlfriend along the front cage, right beside the young chick i was dancing with keeping a short eye on C***** and F**, when in this time i take a break and decide to leave before getting drowned on the floor by all this amusing drama, Me and Nikki decide to make up and become friends again, i hope she wasn't kidding cause i really do miss her alot. So i finally LEAVE, pretty well running away from the dramatics...
i swear to god if my life was a sitcom, fuck it was great. Best day of my life thus far, and instead of feeling all paranoid and shy and lame like that, i was so mellow and laid back laughing so hard in my head when i feel its a good idea to check out and see how the Y AFTERhours club is like. I walk up to line and meet this guy smoking a smoke all by himself in line and he offers me a drag i take a few, so its all good and turns out freaking cover was 16 dollars. Suppose it was a special night, guest DJ's. So he offers to pay and gets me in, i hand him my original cover and said thanks and continued out. I observed and go to know this club. turns out to be a good place. the floor jumps, and it a trance, rave techno club. Lightsticks and bright flashy things everywhere, trippy lasers and bright clothing. the floor jumped and move in rhythm to the DJ. so i observed the fancy footwork and glowing sticks made into little balls. I ws in the low form of it, getting tired and needing rest.
so i continue on home and jst am right here writing this.
what a random day, more random than yesterday....
*lights a smoke*
Have a Fucked Day...on the house
Jay
THE SHORT VERSION
FUCKED UP, must of beeen a few weeks behind on the Friday 13th...*-)
THE EXTEDED version of my night...actually day....
**Names changed to protect Privacy**
*sigh* aiight, so here it is at 1:30 this afternoon, i awake from a long slumber in the dreamless depths of my sleep. To awaken to the fact that i could of slept more if i tried, but i mean it was just after 12pm. So i awake, to meet my lady, the beauty i speak to thru a screen here at home on a daily basis. So we chat it up, i have to head out to buy a few things for Sundays Drag Show, Jayden Haynes DEBUT...so i pick that up, grab some lunch at the hot dog stand and walk back. Keep in mind i am still sobering up from last nights drunken High correct, so everything is still spinning and tilted. I finally make it home to once again converse with this fine woman. Then it strikes me i have a concert to be at in about 45mins, so i dress up again, and head out uptown. Meeting a friend of mine, we walk and talk about RAVE clubs and other good stuff found down east...so then we meet another friend this time we go buy some smoke and i head out to the square at which the concert will be happening. So i rock out at the square, had a beer, and stood around, from there i get dinner and meet up with some other Mohawk-ians, fairly young but attractive hawks. So then we head out to another square, roll a smoke and pass around. so then we go get some good water at the near by store, from there i make my way home, and get ready for the double shift at my clubbing. i hook, up and have another smoke and head out...from here, pretty sure my mother was trying to syke me out by tripping me out with the rental car, i shook my head and continued walking making sure i lose them on the way...
AT the club, the tunes are spinning, i jump on the phone with Ay, and have a short conversation and who walks up but F** and C***** (DRAMA #1) whilst i'm on the phone with Ay. of course they we there and meeting up with the supposed 'engaged' girlfriend. o.O So we wait to go back in side and seven or more other people i knew show up, i give them a hug when out of nowhere the Bi-sexual chicks i wanted to hook up with come together on there own. No men involved. (DRAMA #2) so my friend and acquaintances have arrived when who else decided to show up but the chick we wanted to take home ( me and C***** last Saturday). Turns out she has a big tall butch girlfriend. (DRAMA #3) So we all inside dancing i am so fucked up right now, half feeling completely awkward and confused. So at this point i meet Nicklebert and Aa*** and Nikki. So i feel as though Nikki doesn't want to talk to me right about now, just from the past and stuff like that. >.< (DRAMA #4) and who else just to top this off to make it even theres an unnamed personnel in the club that i have a feeling is talking jack about me behind my back but obviously in front of me (DRAMA #5) so here we are all like confused, i got to have another smoke before i have to leave for my next Bar shift. AND to make my night that much more...a drunken girl whos hot for butch chicks stops me from going in and makes out, sucks my face as i go inside. (sub-DRAMA #1) So im in the club and look who i find next to the bar but the very same chick and her girlfriend..conveniently. These chicks i met at the Broken Hero concert, asked for a cigarette and then saw them at pride the next day. We conversed and i throw a few flirts out to play along. (sub-DRAMA #2) then theres all my friends and good stuff like that. But out off all of this im taking a break from the drama pool on the dance floor, feeling completely awkwarded out by Ken getting physically mauled by her butch girlfriend along the front cage, right beside the young chick i was dancing with keeping a short eye on C***** and F**, when in this time i take a break and decide to leave before getting drowned on the floor by all this amusing drama, Me and Nikki decide to make up and become friends again, i hope she wasn't kidding cause i really do miss her alot. So i finally LEAVE, pretty well running away from the dramatics...
i swear to god if my life was a sitcom, fuck it was great. Best day of my life thus far, and instead of feeling all paranoid and shy and lame like that, i was so mellow and laid back laughing so hard in my head when i feel its a good idea to check out and see how the Y AFTERhours club is like. I walk up to line and meet this guy smoking a smoke all by himself in line and he offers me a drag i take a few, so its all good and turns out freaking cover was 16 dollars. Suppose it was a special night, guest DJ's. So he offers to pay and gets me in, i hand him my original cover and said thanks and continued out. I observed and go to know this club. turns out to be a good place. the floor jumps, and it a trance, rave techno club. Lightsticks and bright flashy things everywhere, trippy lasers and bright clothing. the floor jumped and move in rhythm to the DJ. so i observed the fancy footwork and glowing sticks made into little balls. I ws in the low form of it, getting tired and needing rest.
so i continue on home and jst am right here writing this.
what a random day, more random than yesterday....
*lights a smoke*
Have a Fucked Day...on the house
Jay
follow closely...i had a dream
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
back
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
had to help my mom with supper stuff
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
awe yes
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
supper
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
whats fer supper tonite
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
smashed taters.... uhm, pork something or other, spinach soufflé
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
and strawberry sortcake cupcakes for desert
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
mwahaha
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
shortcake*
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
dessert*
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
yum
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
kk im coming over for dinner kk
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
haha, kk
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
tell your mom to expect like company
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
lol, we are, but she might not show up, so get here and you can have her share
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
lol
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
lol
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
oh someones coming over
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
maybe, probably not, but she might, so we have to make extras just in case
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
oh
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
lmao
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i NEVER get company in my lowly shack, or loft
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
its alil depressing
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
awwww
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
yeah just a tad bit
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
you should soooooo come heree
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i sooo shud if i can afford
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
it*
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i really really really really want to
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
you dont have to worry about busses, i'm sure Wayne will drive you on his way back
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
hes a nice guy
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i wasnt worried about getting there
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i was worried about tieing up buisness here
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
*nods*
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean if someone just handed me 1400 buxk tommorrow hell id be gone so fast
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
wait make that 2000
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
id givde nick his share, pay my bills ofr two months, and get the hell out, hitch or something
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
im good at hitching..but its my stupid bills here
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean you know what i could od
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
do
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i thought about it last night a lil
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
whats that
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
...sell a shit load of my stuff, like pawn it off
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
and pack up a weeks of clothes in a small bag and just freeload it for a year all ariund Canada
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i know how to work it
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean its a risk, i'd risk my health, my life, and stuff, but its an adventure
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
just go all around, i mean nothing tieing me down here anymore
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
i wanna go with ou... lol
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i've heard of people who just hitch all over Canada nd the States, and freeload kinda,
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
its would be such an adventure, you meet super cool peopl ein hostels and stuff, and youd risk everything
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
id startout with however much i get from selling my personalls here, which would be like a good couple hundred
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
you gotta come here first at least... lol
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
yeah
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i'd pick you up!!
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
lmao
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
then we'd peace out.....
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
lmao
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
hahaha
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
steal me away
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
but i'd rahter you finish your schooling first and at least Graduate first beofre attempting any sort of mad crazitastical adventures
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean im graduated and shit like that, i have a good head on my shoulders, and yeah
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
not to say that you dont but just saying if you have a grade 12 education then it makes it thayt much better
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
*nods*
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
ugh, this is what i hate about how i am, all my friends are graduated and they get to travel and stuff and i'm stuck here -_-
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
casue i was thinkin gon the way, if you do end up coming with me eventually, we can hook up with all these cool people like peircers and stuff, and get to know a trade and once we get tired of touring and find a city, we ccould get our apprenticeships and start trianing in a cirty, get a good hold ahten eventually open our bar thing
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
or you can forfit it all and just hang out with me, we can spend weeks in various cities before getting thrown out and earning money off panhandleing, and such
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean, we can leanr to Busk, and participate in all thes ecertian festivals, and most cities offer free wireless internet so we can make a north American Tour,
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
or we could just hook up with a band of somesort, become really good friends and be like the stage handlers and people like that
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i dunno, i just get all these weird fantasys and dreams,
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
sorry
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
I like them
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i see how this world works and i say to myself, man i xould tottaly do this, i mean my mother wont really like my ideas, but this world is a world where its screaming for self expression
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean we could find some sort of project and work on it, like an art form, or if we can learn how to photography and such, i mean you have really cool photography skills and we could display them
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
man i have all the things to be famous its just me getting my foot in a door
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
*hugs* it sounds fun
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i am fun
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i love fun, things have to be fun, of they arent, weell i'll make them fun
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
my personalitiy and my world views and charisma can get me somewhere
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
and now i suppose i have my looks to add to that list!!@ lmao
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
lol yupp
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
then we could get sponsered and get rich and famous and it all came form a random idea opver MSN in the middle of a mid-life crisis
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean FUCK there is absolutley nothing holding me back here except my bills
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i'll just get rid of them like that
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
and BAM off i go to explore the world
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i know how to say no tot people and things, but hey im getting so god damn bored of this city
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i want to explore and search and travel and get the hell out of here
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
theres a world to explore and i want tot do it before i either kill myself or get myself killed
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
ack, i gotta go eat kk? ill be back in a while, keep typing, whatever you're thinking, i wanna read it when i get back
back
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
had to help my mom with supper stuff
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
awe yes
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
supper
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
whats fer supper tonite
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
smashed taters.... uhm, pork something or other, spinach soufflé
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
and strawberry sortcake cupcakes for desert
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
mwahaha
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
shortcake*
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
dessert*
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
yum
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
kk im coming over for dinner kk
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
haha, kk
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
tell your mom to expect like company
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
lol, we are, but she might not show up, so get here and you can have her share
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
lol
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
lol
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
oh someones coming over
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
maybe, probably not, but she might, so we have to make extras just in case
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
oh
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
lmao
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i NEVER get company in my lowly shack, or loft
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
its alil depressing
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
awwww
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
yeah just a tad bit
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
you should soooooo come heree
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i sooo shud if i can afford
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
it*
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i really really really really want to
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
you dont have to worry about busses, i'm sure Wayne will drive you on his way back
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
hes a nice guy
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i wasnt worried about getting there
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i was worried about tieing up buisness here
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
*nods*
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean if someone just handed me 1400 buxk tommorrow hell id be gone so fast
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
wait make that 2000
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
id givde nick his share, pay my bills ofr two months, and get the hell out, hitch or something
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
im good at hitching..but its my stupid bills here
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean you know what i could od
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
do
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i thought about it last night a lil
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
whats that
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
...sell a shit load of my stuff, like pawn it off
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
and pack up a weeks of clothes in a small bag and just freeload it for a year all ariund Canada
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i know how to work it
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean its a risk, i'd risk my health, my life, and stuff, but its an adventure
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
just go all around, i mean nothing tieing me down here anymore
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
i wanna go with ou... lol
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i've heard of people who just hitch all over Canada nd the States, and freeload kinda,
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
its would be such an adventure, you meet super cool peopl ein hostels and stuff, and youd risk everything
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
id startout with however much i get from selling my personalls here, which would be like a good couple hundred
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
you gotta come here first at least... lol
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
yeah
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i'd pick you up!!
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
lmao
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
then we'd peace out.....
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
lmao
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
hahaha
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
steal me away
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
but i'd rahter you finish your schooling first and at least Graduate first beofre attempting any sort of mad crazitastical adventures
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean im graduated and shit like that, i have a good head on my shoulders, and yeah
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
not to say that you dont but just saying if you have a grade 12 education then it makes it thayt much better
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
*nods*
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
ugh, this is what i hate about how i am, all my friends are graduated and they get to travel and stuff and i'm stuck here -_-
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
casue i was thinkin gon the way, if you do end up coming with me eventually, we can hook up with all these cool people like peircers and stuff, and get to know a trade and once we get tired of touring and find a city, we ccould get our apprenticeships and start trianing in a cirty, get a good hold ahten eventually open our bar thing
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
or you can forfit it all and just hang out with me, we can spend weeks in various cities before getting thrown out and earning money off panhandleing, and such
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean, we can leanr to Busk, and participate in all thes ecertian festivals, and most cities offer free wireless internet so we can make a north American Tour,
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
or we could just hook up with a band of somesort, become really good friends and be like the stage handlers and people like that
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i dunno, i just get all these weird fantasys and dreams,
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
sorry
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
I like them
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i see how this world works and i say to myself, man i xould tottaly do this, i mean my mother wont really like my ideas, but this world is a world where its screaming for self expression
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean we could find some sort of project and work on it, like an art form, or if we can learn how to photography and such, i mean you have really cool photography skills and we could display them
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
man i have all the things to be famous its just me getting my foot in a door
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
*hugs* it sounds fun
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i am fun
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i love fun, things have to be fun, of they arent, weell i'll make them fun
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
my personalitiy and my world views and charisma can get me somewhere
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
and now i suppose i have my looks to add to that list!!@ lmao
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
lol yupp
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
then we could get sponsered and get rich and famous and it all came form a random idea opver MSN in the middle of a mid-life crisis
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i mean FUCK there is absolutley nothing holding me back here except my bills
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i'll just get rid of them like that
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
and BAM off i go to explore the world
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i know how to say no tot people and things, but hey im getting so god damn bored of this city
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
i want to explore and search and travel and get the hell out of here
C O N T E M P LA T I O N--xXRe-SilenceXx-- RAWR I'm a Dinosaur!! says:
theres a world to explore and i want tot do it before i either kill myself or get myself killed
P U Z Z L E -- ßöŋ ßöŋ Łą Ŗŏċķ -- RAWR i'm a rainbow says:
ack, i gotta go eat kk? ill be back in a while, keep typing, whatever you're thinking, i wanna read it when i get back
the first days of summer...in love...
THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER
you know its the first day summer when.....
your on the phone to your AMAZING Girlfriend looking for your phone that your talking to her on, to see if one of your friends text ed you....
At 2 o'clock in the morning when the Sun's out
On June 33rd
talking about drinking hard liquor like no problem and never getting hangovers
fantasizing about going distant places that never existed....or all the fun stuff
and laughing so hard, we cry...so we have to drop it and walk away....and then take 10 mins out of the conversation to refocus, then forget why we were laughing in the first place, then laugh all over....
and singing sappy love songs over that phone you thought you lost...
or acting foolishly half drunk, when your completely smashed and hammered...
at 2am in the morning under the cool sunshine
on June 33rd...
THE END
written by Ayla and Jazz...on June 23 at am over the phone watching the moon...
<3
where the only thing stopping us from talking all night is the death of our phones and our tiredness....
these are the good days i want to last forever....
I Love You Babe...
Theres nothing you can do to stop that.
you know its the first day summer when.....
your on the phone to your AMAZING Girlfriend looking for your phone that your talking to her on, to see if one of your friends text ed you....
At 2 o'clock in the morning when the Sun's out
On June 33rd
talking about drinking hard liquor like no problem and never getting hangovers
fantasizing about going distant places that never existed....or all the fun stuff
and laughing so hard, we cry...so we have to drop it and walk away....and then take 10 mins out of the conversation to refocus, then forget why we were laughing in the first place, then laugh all over....
and singing sappy love songs over that phone you thought you lost...
or acting foolishly half drunk, when your completely smashed and hammered...
at 2am in the morning under the cool sunshine
on June 33rd...
THE END
written by Ayla and Jazz...on June 23 at am over the phone watching the moon...
<3
where the only thing stopping us from talking all night is the death of our phones and our tiredness....
these are the good days i want to last forever....
I Love You Babe...
Theres nothing you can do to stop that.
So basically my life is crap this last three or four weeks....
.
but
wanna klnow how?
Well i'll tellyou right here right now
So i came back from Saskatoon and heard that Heather was moving out.Yay. But with not even a attempt to pay me a cent...alas i was short, and i really didnt care. Rathered her out then never paying her way.
Second a good thing this time, Twitchy wasnt really mad at me, just really busy. So that showed i was being overly parranoid at the situation and tletting my thoughts control me....
Shortly after i had a Interview with College Pro and they Hooked me up onto the painting team. So far life is going great. Trwo great jobs i can be stoked for in every way and its awesome. Got to hang with some now close friends in the park a couple times. So it was overall good good.
Shortly after my Phone starts to die and refuses to charge off my charger....its lame i didnt know what to do, so i decided i needed a new phone anyways, along with some other stuff as well....So i got my credit card working and its all good, until i go tot use the credit card and they put a hold on it. A hold on the only moeny i have left to pay my bills and rent. That whouldnt be too good, so they say send in some id and stuff...blah blah blah...so i do and yadda yadda....No credit card to help in the transition for my jobs....
Oh so my phone is dead and i cannt use it casue the battry and the back up battery are dead....so im driving around Edmonton trying to find a job site on the Saturday morning, driving around driving around,then when i ge there there all gone to the OTHER job site..!! grrr...so im kinda like getting pissed off now so i head back to the other site and finally begin work in the early afternoon....Boss tells me to get a phone fornext time so i tell her i maybe late monday morning....
Monday comes, a few friends helped me out this month and i really appreciated it or i would be on the street right now....no joke...so monday comes and im have to chase a cheque around to get this phone and such...which i do, i get my phone and its all good, or so i htink.....but i call my boss she says, dont bother....
Tuesday, i get up im on my way to work, i get to work on time 10 mins early, looking over the jobsite and shes like “Why you here?” i'm like to work....shes like you cant just show up to work anytime you want...im like, not going to argue or make excuses and wwaste my time..i let it go, and walked away...pissed off she didnt give me a chance....
So im out looking for a job with my friend Ash and i go home after and get a call o the Wednesday of my OTHER boss saying....we have to terminate your employment here....we need a strong closer you tend to fade away at the end of your shift....Oh really> you mean im supposed to be energizer bunny ffor 12 hours straight?? Wow i never go that memo, oh what do you mean i have to ASKfo rmy breaks....what do you mean your looking to hire a robot....*sigh*
so now im get really depressed over the next three days casue my life is vbasically over. Im living under a roof that wasnt even paid for by me....i have no job now at all, im all alone to drown in my thoughts and i have to keep a strong face and all i wnat to do is tlak to my best firned whos three thousand ,miles away....the worst week of my life....
And if thats not enough i keep handing out resumes and i get no calls or any leads,
AND to add to all of it, i get a letter last night saying i wasnt accepted to go to school this fall....
so im a nervous wreck waiting to explode....OR dissolve or both...
My life is over theres no point in trying , i have reached utter failure in my life and theres nothing beyond this horizon.
I didnt see any of this coming at me, and it hit me like a thousand sharp knives all over my soul....
I feel fat, and i havent eaten very much, people are trying to make me happy, but i cant really focus but all my losses anf failures....
no money and nothing seeems to be working right...what the fuck....
GRRRRR
.
but
wanna klnow how?
Well i'll tellyou right here right now
So i came back from Saskatoon and heard that Heather was moving out.Yay. But with not even a attempt to pay me a cent...alas i was short, and i really didnt care. Rathered her out then never paying her way.
Second a good thing this time, Twitchy wasnt really mad at me, just really busy. So that showed i was being overly parranoid at the situation and tletting my thoughts control me....
Shortly after i had a Interview with College Pro and they Hooked me up onto the painting team. So far life is going great. Trwo great jobs i can be stoked for in every way and its awesome. Got to hang with some now close friends in the park a couple times. So it was overall good good.
Shortly after my Phone starts to die and refuses to charge off my charger....its lame i didnt know what to do, so i decided i needed a new phone anyways, along with some other stuff as well....So i got my credit card working and its all good, until i go tot use the credit card and they put a hold on it. A hold on the only moeny i have left to pay my bills and rent. That whouldnt be too good, so they say send in some id and stuff...blah blah blah...so i do and yadda yadda....No credit card to help in the transition for my jobs....
Oh so my phone is dead and i cannt use it casue the battry and the back up battery are dead....so im driving around Edmonton trying to find a job site on the Saturday morning, driving around driving around,then when i ge there there all gone to the OTHER job site..!! grrr...so im kinda like getting pissed off now so i head back to the other site and finally begin work in the early afternoon....Boss tells me to get a phone fornext time so i tell her i maybe late monday morning....
Monday comes, a few friends helped me out this month and i really appreciated it or i would be on the street right now....no joke...so monday comes and im have to chase a cheque around to get this phone and such...which i do, i get my phone and its all good, or so i htink.....but i call my boss she says, dont bother....
Tuesday, i get up im on my way to work, i get to work on time 10 mins early, looking over the jobsite and shes like “Why you here?” i'm like to work....shes like you cant just show up to work anytime you want...im like, not going to argue or make excuses and wwaste my time..i let it go, and walked away...pissed off she didnt give me a chance....
So im out looking for a job with my friend Ash and i go home after and get a call o the Wednesday of my OTHER boss saying....we have to terminate your employment here....we need a strong closer you tend to fade away at the end of your shift....Oh really> you mean im supposed to be energizer bunny ffor 12 hours straight?? Wow i never go that memo, oh what do you mean i have to ASKfo rmy breaks....what do you mean your looking to hire a robot....*sigh*
so now im get really depressed over the next three days casue my life is vbasically over. Im living under a roof that wasnt even paid for by me....i have no job now at all, im all alone to drown in my thoughts and i have to keep a strong face and all i wnat to do is tlak to my best firned whos three thousand ,miles away....the worst week of my life....
And if thats not enough i keep handing out resumes and i get no calls or any leads,
AND to add to all of it, i get a letter last night saying i wasnt accepted to go to school this fall....
so im a nervous wreck waiting to explode....OR dissolve or both...
My life is over theres no point in trying , i have reached utter failure in my life and theres nothing beyond this horizon.
I didnt see any of this coming at me, and it hit me like a thousand sharp knives all over my soul....
I feel fat, and i havent eaten very much, people are trying to make me happy, but i cant really focus but all my losses anf failures....
no money and nothing seeems to be working right...what the fuck....
GRRRRR
Series of Events....?
| these are a series of peoms written in the dark ages of my Summer 2008...things werent looking to good and i was slightly depressed so these poems all came rambling out Calm before the strom | |||
| Storm clouds come nearer presenting the dark image of fear As night closes in all around it gets cold The sky was once a canvas of vast colors and textures slowly turning from Blue to a light pink, possibly purple Everything was once beautified And everything was once warm then al at once it starts to Predeem the insanity of darkness The light over comes my mind and i am at a risk of a loss of my faith Slowly the dead come back and swarm all around I am not sure where to go or even what to do So i look to a light or whats left of it It is quickly getting darker But all i can feel is peace and a sense of calm quite possibly the last for i am going head first to a strom of what i am unsure i have no anchor and my sails are broke the wind looks promising to uproar and confusion as i watch the stromclouds come near All is calm, and is right for this moment the last in the sun and the warmth washes away the fear but the rain will come ansd wash it all away whatever is left like a flood to wash away my footing and i am left in a sea of death and destruction oh what to do...with no saftey net | |||
| | |||
| Promises | |||
| She runs from the darkness and hides from the light Only finding serenity in the budding sunlight By day she holds nothing but the pain inside her becasue the day dose nothing b but eat it up, no worries, no cares By night, she takes it out on the darkness that cloaks her inner most feelings as her mind slowly takes over She has nothing to do but fight off that moonlight and wait for the rise of the buddding sunlight For the Sunrise promises A new day and fresh beginnings A thing once lost no in the past And the Sunset promises The days now done theres no turning back when looking into the darkness It scares her to think that two contrasting images scare her so much and have that ability to change the way she thinks and alter her mind so that no one can understand no one can see the tainted burning image deep down in her eyes thats shes calling for help in a pit unknown for she feels all alone in a world so sharp and so complex she has nothing left | |||
| |||
| Image | |||
| A paint stained image with bright red shoes walks in the darkness just beside the light This image seems so happy so content and portrays that everything is under control and that nothing can go wrong But its whats deep down in side her, that really matters the most The pain and frustration of the future unknown Faced with responsibility she cannot seem to get a grip she turns away from the light as it seems to fade away she reaches out to find a dove or a rainbow casue her sun is setting on her amazingly good day We pray thanks for the good day the things done and whats left to come But what about right now In this time of desperation between loss of innocence and a gain of self reliance maybe i already lost both maybe there already long gone And all that is left is an image of a happy face and crazy spirit those paint stained pants and bright red shoes of whats hidden beneath the image of good looks its only a mask to be worn when the times right yet im not an actor nor have i ever i portray myself in the reflection of my feelings and the trueness and fulfillment of myself... IMAGE | |||
Quit the Analyzation
So i just got back from half running half walking around the river valley for the last hour and a bit. I walked through the Legislature grounds and i watched the Newly weds and there parties with the pictures of there special days so they can remember it for a life time. Because we all know they just promised a lifetime in the vows they spoke. From there i carried on to the top af the steps by the little club downthere by the LRT bridge. and i just stood there asnd watched life pass me by as i stood there, the breeze in my face and feeling so free and amazed at what is going on. how the trees are budding, how the clouds are rolling, how the river runs, how the grass turns green, how the rain falls on the ground and how the days rolls out. Im finding myself at a loss for words these days. like i took an oath of silence for the last bit. And i dont want to talk anyone i just want to drown in my thoughts and be still. So after some down time and observation i proceed down to the bottom of those stairs and book it across the road onto the bridge and across the river...at the end i am hardly alive cause i just ran full tilt like 2 km...or less...lol....butyeah then i just did a cool down walk and walked to the playground at Kinsmen. Wow that place is actually in real ife so small. I just reflected on how that park seems so much bigger when i wass smaller. And how everything was so new and exciting. how i wanted to be a kid again. I watched the younger generation explore. and thought. We all wondered. We all go thru the same thing. we just dont really know it, or realize it until like a moment i had. I watched all these people spend the lazy Saturday. I was on the swings and again it was such a different feeling then what i felt when i was younger. Its reality. I grew up. i am understanding the world and everything in it. but theres nothing i can do to stop it.i have to keep going. i guess if i made it this far i can surely keep going on. What to do in a life filled with mystery. Living by faith and not by sight. So i after i just walked home and here i am writing this.
i decided i think im going to start to take a day out of the week to have a day of relaxation and accept ion and just observation. Deal?
Sweet
i decided i think im going to start to take a day out of the week to have a day of relaxation and accept ion and just observation. Deal?
Sweet
Music
its the melody that
calms my soul
Its the truth that
speaks wisdom into
my mind and life
Every word sung
in these songs
have a deeper meaning
And i will continue to
Inject this morphine
that makes everything
seem so much better
The notes of a chordstruck
in the right time and place
The music that is so
pure and honest
the artists and i
have somethings in common
We draw the world and ourselves
In the form of music and words
That actually mean something to
the rest of the world
cause we all felt it
In every way
The intoxication of falling in love
the shattering of a broken heart
the pain of the thrid world
The truth of our society
Of everything that could happen
the worse has already become
So i make my life
out of what i become
and who i want to be
And music is just an
ingredient to the everturning
and everlasting society
Cause its music that calms the soul
And drowns out the real world
and everything we ever feared
and anything we ever knew
J
Sitting Waiting
i look outside
at the whole world
running around searching
and looking for purpose
its like were chasing
away the dreams
and the memories
that scar us
In the deepest cut
that we have felt
from the painful honestly
we go thru
And then we have to
cover it all up
With fakeness and masks
And pertend everything is alright
I want everything to
be true and honest
and open and new
I want to start now
I fear that i wont
be accepted in this
in who i am becasue
no one understands
i live my life symbolically
and i plan every aspect
even if it dosent need planning
it keeps me occupied
I do more than just words
i draw out my soul
i sketch my feelings
i rip out my heart
and set it on a silver platter
for her that walked away from me
And now i cant put it back in
She took it and ran
So now when the darkness ver comes
I am left wiht nothing but
the feelings of emptiness
thats pick at my being
and this is when i sit
at my window
for hours on end
in the silence
that haunts us when we wake
but comforts us when we sleep
In the muted everyday noise
That we hear but pay nothing
Everything so calm and controlled
and everything so easy and nice
a parade that cannot be rained on
the rain is only falling on me
Wonder Parft 2
Wonder Part 2
i often wonder
why life takes such
wild and strange turns
how it tip and sways
Sometimes i lie on my flat
and i listen to the muted noise
that i have listened to for the last 6 months
but when spring comes around
The bird start chirpping at 3 am in the morning
and i feela sense of peace
through out of everything
that has happned in the last 24 hours
i am comforted by the fact
that something so beautiful
could be so small
and its the little things that really matter
through out the day i wonder
why its so crazy
why its so hetic
and why cant anything be easy
but on the other hand
i am living in a very stable area
im not in Africa
im not is North Korea
These days have been
very emotionally attached
Very easily broken
Very vulnerable
And im not sure why
every 5 minutes i want
to rip apart my insides
and dig to the deeper void
its like theres a huge partitioning in my
life these days and i am not really sure
everything is so very confusing
and i cannot keep track
oh look a butterfly
i often wonder
why life takes such
wild and strange turns
how it tip and sways
Sometimes i lie on my flat
and i listen to the muted noise
that i have listened to for the last 6 months
but when spring comes around
The bird start chirpping at 3 am in the morning
and i feela sense of peace
through out of everything
that has happned in the last 24 hours
i am comforted by the fact
that something so beautiful
could be so small
and its the little things that really matter
through out the day i wonder
why its so crazy
why its so hetic
and why cant anything be easy
but on the other hand
i am living in a very stable area
im not in Africa
im not is North Korea
These days have been
very emotionally attached
Very easily broken
Very vulnerable
And im not sure why
every 5 minutes i want
to rip apart my insides
and dig to the deeper void
its like theres a huge partitioning in my
life these days and i am not really sure
everything is so very confusing
and i cannot keep track
oh look a butterfly
Wonder
Wonder
these days have been strange
Always shifting and sliding
i never seem to know what
is going to happen
Although sometimes i wish
it would just end
and i wouldn't have to worry
about anything
the lines on the street
keep going faster and faster
and i can hardly keep up
yet i am still sitting idling
Everything at a standstill
yet moving so fast
the people Dayton
have meetings
and coffee to keep them going
and all i have is sleep
and what little motivation
i have left in this life
I often wonder
what all these people think
what histories these people have
and why they stay so quiet
as children we are curios
and we wonder about the world
in its uniqueness and differences
and why that's like that
but as we grow older we wonder
why the world is the same
in every Little thing there is
in every little way
It this society
This generation that makes me smile
That makes me laugh out loud
That i cant believe this is me
That in front of me i have
this huge project
to vague some people
into individuals
I see us all as clones
And I'm the odd duck out
I want to be different
And there nothing you can do about that
Wondering could be classified as
as waste of time
But i think not
it keeps me occupied
and you wondering
what goes on in this mind...
This is how the mind grows after a few good months of no writing... but of observing and contemplating society....
these days have been strange
Always shifting and sliding
i never seem to know what
is going to happen
Although sometimes i wish
it would just end
and i wouldn't have to worry
about anything
the lines on the street
keep going faster and faster
and i can hardly keep up
yet i am still sitting idling
Everything at a standstill
yet moving so fast
the people Dayton
have meetings
and coffee to keep them going
and all i have is sleep
and what little motivation
i have left in this life
I often wonder
what all these people think
what histories these people have
and why they stay so quiet
as children we are curios
and we wonder about the world
in its uniqueness and differences
and why that's like that
but as we grow older we wonder
why the world is the same
in every Little thing there is
in every little way
It this society
This generation that makes me smile
That makes me laugh out loud
That i cant believe this is me
That in front of me i have
this huge project
to vague some people
into individuals
I see us all as clones
And I'm the odd duck out
I want to be different
And there nothing you can do about that
Wondering could be classified as
as waste of time
But i think not
it keeps me occupied
and you wondering
what goes on in this mind...
This is how the mind grows after a few good months of no writing... but of observing and contemplating society....
A couple Poems
just a couple poems i worte bac in the spring as i knew i was going to be going through a turmoil of somesort just wast sure about how long or how much it would affect me. It was my slight sense of ESP that was acting up so i had an urge to write some stuff....
the second poem is alot like that
====================================================================
I am
there are some people in this world that, only look at who you are on the outside.
By being myself and who i am in my full potential.
Everytime you lok at me and you think the negitive image, you are wrong.
So what about the mohawk. and black that fades my eyes
So what if i am a living contradiction
I am a temptaion and a challenge
To see if you can dissect, and evaluate
And see that there are people in this life that dont follow the norm and are thwre own person
I am one of those
I dare you
Because
I am a person. A Person who lives by faith and not by sight
I am a thinker and an analyzer, and at times a critic
I am A Child, a daughter, a friend
I am a listener, and speaker
I look on the inside and i dig deeper
I am not a Emo, and mosh head or a pot head
I am not an alcholic, or a binge drinker
I am no longer a smoker
A am not a back stabber or a loser
I do not judge or think the opposite
I try to not be a hypocrit
I listen to music and i relate
I read books and i get inspration
I watch movies and analyze life
And i watch society and i wonder
I write my stories
And i recite my poems
I wirte as i feel
and cry as i am over come
I love and can be loved
I have loved and have been broken
A will love and become stronger
And I should love but really dont want to
I am not a beauty, drag or prom queen
I am a leader, and supporter
I will follow and guide
And i will, pick up the broken peices
Theres a million peices of paper among my floor
and on those is words that
Explain or elaborate what i have felt
and where i was
Over time i have grown
Over time i have shaped
Over time, time was spent
On these thoughts
The wispers are gone
The suits that were white are gone
The cars no longer try to hit me
Moreso I try to hit them
My Wrists no longer bleed
My mind no longer black
The broken glass was cleaned up
and my mind was filled
Although i will tell you
there are still these walls
building higher and higher
As i learn to trust
Its a long walk
And a destined journey
All i need is help
And i want yours
J
Public entry posted on Friday May 9, 2008, 2:48 am Reply Delete Edit Report Top
the second poem is alot like that
====================================================================
I am
there are some people in this world that, only look at who you are on the outside.
By being myself and who i am in my full potential.
Everytime you lok at me and you think the negitive image, you are wrong.
So what about the mohawk. and black that fades my eyes
So what if i am a living contradiction
I am a temptaion and a challenge
To see if you can dissect, and evaluate
And see that there are people in this life that dont follow the norm and are thwre own person
I am one of those
I dare you
Because
I am a person. A Person who lives by faith and not by sight
I am a thinker and an analyzer, and at times a critic
I am A Child, a daughter, a friend
I am a listener, and speaker
I look on the inside and i dig deeper
I am not a Emo, and mosh head or a pot head
I am not an alcholic, or a binge drinker
I am no longer a smoker
A am not a back stabber or a loser
I do not judge or think the opposite
I try to not be a hypocrit
I listen to music and i relate
I read books and i get inspration
I watch movies and analyze life
And i watch society and i wonder
I write my stories
And i recite my poems
I wirte as i feel
and cry as i am over come
I love and can be loved
I have loved and have been broken
A will love and become stronger
And I should love but really dont want to
I am not a beauty, drag or prom queen
I am a leader, and supporter
I will follow and guide
And i will, pick up the broken peices
Theres a million peices of paper among my floor
and on those is words that
Explain or elaborate what i have felt
and where i was
Over time i have grown
Over time i have shaped
Over time, time was spent
On these thoughts
The wispers are gone
The suits that were white are gone
The cars no longer try to hit me
Moreso I try to hit them
My Wrists no longer bleed
My mind no longer black
The broken glass was cleaned up
and my mind was filled
Although i will tell you
there are still these walls
building higher and higher
As i learn to trust
Its a long walk
And a destined journey
All i need is help
And i want yours
J
Public entry posted on Friday May 9, 2008, 2:48 am Reply Delete Edit Report Top
Dead End
i dont know what you want me to do
It's like my entire world came crashing down
Im at a rock solid end
of my sunshine and gum drops parade
I mean i used to wonder what my purpose is
now i just feel as though i have no purpose
Whats the point in this gong show
Theres no one here to listen
Im clinging to a faith
But even that in itself is a battle
Theres not to much to live for these days
I've been in the same routine for 6 months
And this is prolly as raw and open as i will get
Theres no turning back now
I coming completely clean
I will show my insides
Casue i cannot cover anything up anymore
Theres no point
When i need the help
They need to know the entirety of the source
Theres no strings attached
No backing down
I'm standing up and going out
With a bullet thru the chest
All these normal people
look at me as though i am strange
What if your the strange one?/
What if your all the same
Maybe thats all im fighting for
is o step put on a limb
and go to the extremes of your
unworthy judgments and hypocritical statements
am unashamed of who i am
and i thought i knew where i was going
but al of a sudden it just stopped
A\Now instead of wondering
about the world
i am wondering about
my world and what just happened
How could this happen
I thought i was strong
I thought i was a tower
I thought i was rock solid
I thought there was nothing could take me down
now its as though
everyday is a struggle
everyday is a fight
everyday is a waste
What more you want me to do?
What more can i do
What more is there to do
When your facing a dead end?
J
May/08
i dont know what you want me to do
It's like my entire world came crashing down
Im at a rock solid end
of my sunshine and gum drops parade
I mean i used to wonder what my purpose is
now i just feel as though i have no purpose
Whats the point in this gong show
Theres no one here to listen
Im clinging to a faith
But even that in itself is a battle
Theres not to much to live for these days
I've been in the same routine for 6 months
And this is prolly as raw and open as i will get
Theres no turning back now
I coming completely clean
I will show my insides
Casue i cannot cover anything up anymore
Theres no point
When i need the help
They need to know the entirety of the source
Theres no strings attached
No backing down
I'm standing up and going out
With a bullet thru the chest
All these normal people
look at me as though i am strange
What if your the strange one?/
What if your all the same
Maybe thats all im fighting for
is o step put on a limb
and go to the extremes of your
unworthy judgments and hypocritical statements
am unashamed of who i am
and i thought i knew where i was going
but al of a sudden it just stopped
A\Now instead of wondering
about the world
i am wondering about
my world and what just happened
How could this happen
I thought i was strong
I thought i was a tower
I thought i was rock solid
I thought there was nothing could take me down
now its as though
everyday is a struggle
everyday is a fight
everyday is a waste
What more you want me to do?
What more can i do
What more is there to do
When your facing a dead end?
J
May/08
Deep Conversations from the PAst
A- Sweet okay ill talk to mymom when she gets home
J-ok??
A-She went pick up the Bros from school
J-Uh Huh- Yeah im just not acustomed to asking PU's things
A-Oh lol well i have toou no there house there rules
J-Yeah.Meh.Haha makes me think of my last years in my house. Age16 she taught me to think for myself 17 she let me do what i want as long as she had a general idea. I didn't have to askjust give full details. Nearing the age of 18she told meonce i get there i am on my own basically
A-Wow that wudd never happen to me
J-Thats where i get my street smarts from i guess. Hahai dunno i respect the way i was brought up
A-I do too but this is dumb im 18 i just want my mom to trust me morenot that i ever gave her a chance to tho
J-Yeah.Differnt households.Differnt ways of doing things
A-True Very True
J-My moms very libral. Im just straight edge. Livin on the edge.My mom didn't trust me much eithe. I just stick to my wordand made my own
A-MAde your own what
J-Own viewsabout societyand such. Thats just how i defined myself/ You learn. Its a process. U are ur own person. Iur life, ur choices
A-i no im my own personand i haveviews and ideasbut ive never really left home for more than a day or two
J-Haha yeah well it takes time. I was in a fight or flight state. And i didn't want to fight n e morei was confident i had enough confidence to...
J-stand upand make my own way. Theres still tons to learn and i refuse to lose my youth. Im open an dhonest and am eager to learn
A-Yeah i no what you mean but you have nothing holding you back
J-Ya and 4 meits the best way. My Difinty. I wouldnt change or go backfor n e thing. Ive always been independent. Always Sreaching
A [breaks]
J-Its the community you live/work in.Teaches about the society and thats where i get my views. Difinty uniquness, indepndance
J-Everyone has a story, a reason in my life, so i can grow, change. I refuse to be a cloneto the world. Theseare here...
J-to show me. A way to find myself. And thay=ts exactlywhat i have done. Thru thought processes, mistakes and lesons and the way i live my life
A-did you ever live in Spruce, when u moved back did your views change?
J-No. But thats where i rooted myself. So many great influemces from there. I have always been developing my views. There just getting stronger...
A-Interessting Point of View
A-wow i wish i had ur views on life and be able to be as free as u
J-Haha its great but im nowhere near done htins conversation. My Supes getting mad and its the last hour. I'll text you when i m off <3
A-I”ll Be waiting ]love u
J-Love you 2 and think of sum questions of you want...
[time passes]
A-You off work yet?
J-yup
J-I am a very energetic person.. i pick up energy form ppl like a magnet. Negitive nergy i pick up more juist cuz i was around that the most...
A-Wud you say that ur positive or negitive
J-If someone or something angers me, i redirect that to myself first then to an inaminate object. Bad habit i know but again difinty. I am
Jmore Able to deal with the issue n a more calm matter. I also run it out. A mental thing yet good for me In stressful uncomfortable sistuations i shut right down and out. Becopme very quiet, very isolate. My own world. My stress remedy
J-I have grown so much in the last 4 years that i am much more positive. Always upbeat. Theparty
A-Lots of people do that but wuddnt u rather talk it out or yell at someone
J-I dont yell. That creates Negitive Energy. I dont do that. The world is what you make it. So i write. Better fo rmy own good
J- i believe in appearance vs reality not just as a literary term. Uearn bout ppl and the sopciety u live in and go back and realte
J- I dont look at the surface and would hope others wouldnt either. Id rather dig deeper and look beyond . A top goal in my life is to know that wheni go that i have successfully changed someone life in a huge way. Made them more like me. Aware that they can go forth and carry on. In a btter mind set.
J- My thoughts are the window to my world. If u know them then maybe u can relate, understand. Ive been told i am a very smart person. Great
J-Mind. I dont see that in myself often but i am a selfless person. Difinity. But i see myself as an open bnook.Read me, ask me , understand me
J-Break for you to absorb. Ask me n en thing.
Commet open
A-i wanna no how you think feel and absorb i wanna know all there is to on about you if ull tell me and your right you are a very smart person for 18
J- Thanks Baby. I will tell u n e thing there is. I will stay up all night nand be with you forever cause i can and i Love you
A-U seem like nothing comes as a shock or surprises u y is that?
J-In my mind i have a theroy that everything that cudd be the Worst Possible Scenerio has happened already.And whatewver happens i make the bast of
A-For being so young how can you understand and be able to interpet any situationthat u find ur self in
J-It takes a lot of thinking and experience and understand. Its growth. And the situation is what you make it.
A-Im gonna steal your theroy okay
J-What theroy? I have given you so much. Im confused Lol?
A-That there are worse situations out there and they have already happened
J-Uh. Oh that was for me. If you knew how i grew up and the last 17 years. Read the letter i worte.
A-Yeah ur right sorry
J-No its ok. U can use it if u know it was deathly true. For u that may take several more years. I just grew up way to fast i have a maturity level of
J- an common 3-045 year old. Itsweird and sumtimes i hate it but then i have the rest of my life to live the good life
A-Yeah u do how dose someone so young have so much wisdom
J-Its that i am very observant and i take it all in. In ne situation. I have a strange ability to remember certianthings in the exactorder it
J-happened. But not everyhting. It has to signifigant. That i can relate to a previous thought orevent. Or someone close to me...
J-ok??
A-She went pick up the Bros from school
J-Uh Huh- Yeah im just not acustomed to asking PU's things
A-Oh lol well i have toou no there house there rules
J-Yeah.Meh.Haha makes me think of my last years in my house. Age16 she taught me to think for myself 17 she let me do what i want as long as she had a general idea. I didn't have to askjust give full details. Nearing the age of 18she told meonce i get there i am on my own basically
A-Wow that wudd never happen to me
J-Thats where i get my street smarts from i guess. Hahai dunno i respect the way i was brought up
A-I do too but this is dumb im 18 i just want my mom to trust me morenot that i ever gave her a chance to tho
J-Yeah.Differnt households.Differnt ways of doing things
A-True Very True
J-My moms very libral. Im just straight edge. Livin on the edge.My mom didn't trust me much eithe. I just stick to my wordand made my own
A-MAde your own what
J-Own viewsabout societyand such. Thats just how i defined myself/ You learn. Its a process. U are ur own person. Iur life, ur choices
A-i no im my own personand i haveviews and ideasbut ive never really left home for more than a day or two
J-Haha yeah well it takes time. I was in a fight or flight state. And i didn't want to fight n e morei was confident i had enough confidence to...
J-stand upand make my own way. Theres still tons to learn and i refuse to lose my youth. Im open an dhonest and am eager to learn
A-Yeah i no what you mean but you have nothing holding you back
J-Ya and 4 meits the best way. My Difinty. I wouldnt change or go backfor n e thing. Ive always been independent. Always Sreaching
A [breaks]
J-Its the community you live/work in.Teaches about the society and thats where i get my views. Difinty uniquness, indepndance
J-Everyone has a story, a reason in my life, so i can grow, change. I refuse to be a cloneto the world. Theseare here...
J-to show me. A way to find myself. And thay=ts exactlywhat i have done. Thru thought processes, mistakes and lesons and the way i live my life
A-did you ever live in Spruce, when u moved back did your views change?
J-No. But thats where i rooted myself. So many great influemces from there. I have always been developing my views. There just getting stronger...
A-Interessting Point of View
A-wow i wish i had ur views on life and be able to be as free as u
J-Haha its great but im nowhere near done htins conversation. My Supes getting mad and its the last hour. I'll text you when i m off <3
A-I”ll Be waiting ]love u
J-Love you 2 and think of sum questions of you want...
[time passes]
A-You off work yet?
J-yup
J-I am a very energetic person.. i pick up energy form ppl like a magnet. Negitive nergy i pick up more juist cuz i was around that the most...
A-Wud you say that ur positive or negitive
J-If someone or something angers me, i redirect that to myself first then to an inaminate object. Bad habit i know but again difinty. I am
Jmore Able to deal with the issue n a more calm matter. I also run it out. A mental thing yet good for me In stressful uncomfortable sistuations i shut right down and out. Becopme very quiet, very isolate. My own world. My stress remedy
J-I have grown so much in the last 4 years that i am much more positive. Always upbeat. Theparty
A-Lots of people do that but wuddnt u rather talk it out or yell at someone
J-I dont yell. That creates Negitive Energy. I dont do that. The world is what you make it. So i write. Better fo rmy own good
J- i believe in appearance vs reality not just as a literary term. Uearn bout ppl and the sopciety u live in and go back and realte
J- I dont look at the surface and would hope others wouldnt either. Id rather dig deeper and look beyond . A top goal in my life is to know that wheni go that i have successfully changed someone life in a huge way. Made them more like me. Aware that they can go forth and carry on. In a btter mind set.
J- My thoughts are the window to my world. If u know them then maybe u can relate, understand. Ive been told i am a very smart person. Great
J-Mind. I dont see that in myself often but i am a selfless person. Difinity. But i see myself as an open bnook.Read me, ask me , understand me
J-Break for you to absorb. Ask me n en thing.
Commet openA-i wanna no how you think feel and absorb i wanna know all there is to on about you if ull tell me and your right you are a very smart person for 18
J- Thanks Baby. I will tell u n e thing there is. I will stay up all night nand be with you forever cause i can and i Love you
A-U seem like nothing comes as a shock or surprises u y is that?
J-In my mind i have a theroy that everything that cudd be the Worst Possible Scenerio has happened already.And whatewver happens i make the bast of
A-For being so young how can you understand and be able to interpet any situationthat u find ur self in
J-It takes a lot of thinking and experience and understand. Its growth. And the situation is what you make it.
A-Im gonna steal your theroy okay
J-What theroy? I have given you so much. Im confused Lol?
A-That there are worse situations out there and they have already happened
J-Uh. Oh that was for me. If you knew how i grew up and the last 17 years. Read the letter i worte.
A-Yeah ur right sorry
J-No its ok. U can use it if u know it was deathly true. For u that may take several more years. I just grew up way to fast i have a maturity level of
J- an common 3-045 year old. Itsweird and sumtimes i hate it but then i have the rest of my life to live the good life
A-Yeah u do how dose someone so young have so much wisdom
J-Its that i am very observant and i take it all in. In ne situation. I have a strange ability to remember certianthings in the exactorder it
J-happened. But not everyhting. It has to signifigant. That i can relate to a previous thought orevent. Or someone close to me...
Just a Thought and none of mine own
Bonding principle
Principles > Bonding principle
Principle | How it works | So what?
Principle
I will do what my friends ask of me.
How it works
As social animals, we build friendships with other people. And a part of friendship is helping one another without having to negotiate an exchange at every turn, partly because we know that over time, the exchange and social capital will balance itself out.
Bonding also happens with parents and siblings - 'Blood is thicker than water' is a common saying. It can also happen with family substitutes including employers and other organizations and institutions that we join.
Emotional bonding
One of the effects of becoming friends is a very human process of bonding, whereby we feel an emotional connection with the other person, such that our identities are connected together.
In such a situation, with connected identities, if I do something for myself, I am also doing it for the other person, and vice versa.
Variable bonds
Emotional bonds vary. We have family, we have close friends and we have general acquaintances, and the degree to which we will help them varies accordingly.
Primitive bonding
In psychoanalytic theory is the principle of the neonatal phase in which an infant is literally 'at one' with the world and before their separate identity is formed through the mirror phase. Life thereafter is a dilemma of wanting both a separate identity and also returning to that early one-ness. Bonding with others helps create some sense of this as we introject their good objects.
Seeking one-ness is also found in many religions, whether it is connecting with God or achieving Nirvana or enlightenment.
So what?
Make friends with the other person. Build emotional bonds. Find things in common. Thus when you ask them to do something for you, they will feel as if they are doing it for themselves.
Trust principle
Principles > Trust principle
Principle | How it works | So what?
Principle
If I trust you, I will accept what you say as true and expose my vulnerabilities to you.
How it works
Trust is the basic unit of social glue that enables us interact without fear.
No harm
I will trust and work with people who do not harm me. You can be passive or active in your approach to harm.
Passive no-harm is when you do not actively or deliberately act to harm me. However, you might still stand by and let others harm me, so active no-harm is where you act positively to protect me from harm. Of course, I will trust a active protector even more than a passive 'no harm' friend.
Reliability
If you always do what you say you are going to do, it makes your behavior very predictable, which means I can feel even safer around you. It also means that if I ask you do something I do not need to keep checking up on you.
Truth
I do not know everything and may lean on your expertise. If you always tell me the truth then I know that I can rely on what you say and not have to do any further checking up.
Truth and reliability also extend to the whole notion of 'integrity', where a person is true to their values and follows common social norms.
So what?
Build trust by:
Doing no harm and actively seek to protect people, demonstrating that you care about them personally.
Managing expectations and always keeping your promises.
Always telling the truth and actively maintaining your reputation for integrity.
Open body language
Techniques > Use of body language > Open body language
Language of openness | Reasons for opening | See also
A significant cluster of body movements are all about being open. This is sometimes misinterpreted solely as indicating being relaxed and untense.
Remember that perhaps the most significant part of being open or close is the act of opening or closing. When you open or close, you are signaling a change in the way you are thinking or feeling, which is likely to be in response to what the other person has said or done.
Language of openness
The open stance has arms and legs not crossed in any way. They may also be moving in various ways.
Arms open
Arms are not crossed and may be animated and moving in synchronization with what is being said or held wide.
Palms are also relaxed and may be quite expressive, for example appearing to hold things and form more detailed shapes. Open hands show that nothing is being concealed.
Legs open
Open legs are not crossed. Often they are parallel. They may even be stretched apart.
The feet are of interest in open legs and may point forward or to the side or at something or someone of interest.
Looking around and at the other person
The head may be directed solely towards the other person or may be looking around. Eye contact is likely to be relaxed and prolonged.
Relaxed clothing
Clothing is likely to hang loosely and actions to loosen clothing may take place, such as removing a jacket and unbuttoning a collar.
Reasons for opening
There can be several reasons for open body language. In particular look for the transition when the body opens and the triggers that may have caused this change.
Accepting
When arms rounded and palms are sideways, the person may be offering a 'mock hug', showing that they care for the other person. Gestures may be slower and symbolize gentleness.
Passive threat
An open posture may also be associated with a passive threat. When the person casually 'exposes themself', for example by opening their body and looking away they are opening themselves for attack. When this is relaxed, it may be saying 'I am so powerful and you are so weak, you are unable to attack me even when I am exposed.'
Males with knees apart are also doing a crotch display, which, as well as casually exposing vulnerabilities is effectively says to other males 'Look: I have a large penis than you!'
Aggression
When there is tension in the open body, especially if fists are clenched, then this may be a sign of significant aggression. The person is effectively holding their body open in readiness for a fight.
Aggression is also seen when the body is square on to the other person and is relatively close to them. Movements may be particularly sudden and designed to test the other person's reactions.
Supplicating
When palms are held upwards, this may form a pleading gesture and may be combined with lowering of the body. This is saying 'Please don't hurt me'.
Opening the body in supplication is also saying 'Here, you can hurt me if you wish' and is equivalent to a dog who rolls over on its back and exposes itself to indicate that it is not a threat.
Relaxing
And finally, the open body may simply be the body at rest, relaxed and comfortable.
Bonding principle
Principles > Bonding principle
Principle | How it works | So what?
Principle
I will do what my friends ask of me.
How it works
As social animals, we build friendships with other people. And a part of friendship is helping one another without having to negotiate an exchange at every turn, partly because we know that over time, the exchange and social capital will balance itself out.
Bonding also happens with parents and siblings - 'Blood is thicker than water' is a common saying. It can also happen with family substitutes including employers and other organizations and institutions that we join.
Emotional bonding
One of the effects of becoming friends is a very human process of bonding, whereby we feel an emotional connection with the other person, such that our identities are connected together.
In such a situation, with connected identities, if I do something for myself, I am also doing it for the other person, and vice versa.
Variable bonds
Emotional bonds vary. We have family, we have close friends and we have general acquaintances, and the degree to which we will help them varies accordingly.
Primitive bonding
In psychoanalytic theory is the principle of the neonatal phase in which an infant is literally 'at one' with the world and before their separate identity is formed through the mirror phase. Life thereafter is a dilemma of wanting both a separate identity and also returning to that early one-ness. Bonding with others helps create some sense of this as we introject their good objects.
Seeking one-ness is also found in many religions, whether it is connecting with God or achieving Nirvana or enlightenment.
So what?
Make friends with the other person. Build emotional bonds. Find things in common. Thus when you ask them to do something for you, they will feel as if they are doing it for themselves.
Trust principle
Principles > Trust principle
Principle | How it works | So what?
Principle
If I trust you, I will accept what you say as true and expose my vulnerabilities to you.
How it works
Trust is the basic unit of social glue that enables us interact without fear.
No harm
I will trust and work with people who do not harm me. You can be passive or active in your approach to harm.
Passive no-harm is when you do not actively or deliberately act to harm me. However, you might still stand by and let others harm me, so active no-harm is where you act positively to protect me from harm. Of course, I will trust a active protector even more than a passive 'no harm' friend.
Reliability
If you always do what you say you are going to do, it makes your behavior very predictable, which means I can feel even safer around you. It also means that if I ask you do something I do not need to keep checking up on you.
Truth
I do not know everything and may lean on your expertise. If you always tell me the truth then I know that I can rely on what you say and not have to do any further checking up.
Truth and reliability also extend to the whole notion of 'integrity', where a person is true to their values and follows common social norms.
So what?
Build trust by:
Doing no harm and actively seek to protect people, demonstrating that you care about them personally.
Managing expectations and always keeping your promises.
Always telling the truth and actively maintaining your reputation for integrity.
Open body language
Techniques > Use of body language > Open body language
Language of openness | Reasons for opening | See also
A significant cluster of body movements are all about being open. This is sometimes misinterpreted solely as indicating being relaxed and untense.
Remember that perhaps the most significant part of being open or close is the act of opening or closing. When you open or close, you are signaling a change in the way you are thinking or feeling, which is likely to be in response to what the other person has said or done.
Language of openness
The open stance has arms and legs not crossed in any way. They may also be moving in various ways.
Arms open
Arms are not crossed and may be animated and moving in synchronization with what is being said or held wide.
Palms are also relaxed and may be quite expressive, for example appearing to hold things and form more detailed shapes. Open hands show that nothing is being concealed.
Legs open
Open legs are not crossed. Often they are parallel. They may even be stretched apart.
The feet are of interest in open legs and may point forward or to the side or at something or someone of interest.
Looking around and at the other person
The head may be directed solely towards the other person or may be looking around. Eye contact is likely to be relaxed and prolonged.
Relaxed clothing
Clothing is likely to hang loosely and actions to loosen clothing may take place, such as removing a jacket and unbuttoning a collar.
Reasons for opening
There can be several reasons for open body language. In particular look for the transition when the body opens and the triggers that may have caused this change.
Accepting
When arms rounded and palms are sideways, the person may be offering a 'mock hug', showing that they care for the other person. Gestures may be slower and symbolize gentleness.
Passive threat
An open posture may also be associated with a passive threat. When the person casually 'exposes themself', for example by opening their body and looking away they are opening themselves for attack. When this is relaxed, it may be saying 'I am so powerful and you are so weak, you are unable to attack me even when I am exposed.'
Males with knees apart are also doing a crotch display, which, as well as casually exposing vulnerabilities is effectively says to other males 'Look: I have a large penis than you!'
Aggression
When there is tension in the open body, especially if fists are clenched, then this may be a sign of significant aggression. The person is effectively holding their body open in readiness for a fight.
Aggression is also seen when the body is square on to the other person and is relatively close to them. Movements may be particularly sudden and designed to test the other person's reactions.
Supplicating
When palms are held upwards, this may form a pleading gesture and may be combined with lowering of the body. This is saying 'Please don't hurt me'.
Opening the body in supplication is also saying 'Here, you can hurt me if you wish' and is equivalent to a dog who rolls over on its back and exposes itself to indicate that it is not a threat.
Relaxing
And finally, the open body may simply be the body at rest, relaxed and comfortable.
My Faith in My DAnce
so this is a rough little pre-modern look at why i dance....how my dancing came to be a huge part of my life..this is a very very rough first draft and alot of my views may of changed..but this is the night i figured out i want to be a dancer....for life
then came the Rave scene then the whole dance all night every night and it has now become a normal part of everyday life very much like Prayer or Worship is to a Strong Christian...
Get it, got it....go on
Dance-Industrial REligion Can Dance be Considered a Religion?
So here i are, at New City, sitting on the side of the Floor, observing. And i have observed, listened, and thought to myself. Can Dance be considered a religion? I think so, in the right mind that i are in right now. From what i have seen. The way that the bodies on the Floor moved in compleate obsolite, time with the beat of the bass flowing through the club. They moved so clearly and defined as if in worship to a higher being. I could see music flowing through the wraths of the hands. Of course there the odd one out, stumbling, or even falling. Obvious not in a deep sense with the surroundings. But a majority, swaying and moving in time, in step. The Bass flowed freely as water from a well. Of course all these simple minded yet complex beings had a religion of there own. And just conversing with these individuals. Elaborating on the religious views of such. Some claim there to be no God, some claim to go to church out of respect, some have no views and choose no to talk. And then there are those with a compleate seperated, alienated view called the Wiccan. Of this i have no knowledge, but they claim to be a part of that group. So they all migrate here. To do what they love, to do what they need. I myself, personally, dance to get it out, to show the world. I myself claim that Dance is a religion that i follow. Of course whan i are on the floor, the world around my fades i and i are taken to a isolated place where there is nothing but the beat of the bass, the soothing calming sound of the synthesizer. Like a song once heard long ago is being reunited with my kindered spirit. My arms go as in worship to a something of somesort. I too am controlled by the music, the sound. It drowns out the world. My head overcome with amazment. These people i share this with, we put our faith, at this time into our dance. We are all equal yet, differnent. We are all dancing to the same tune yet we have our own styles. I have observed the flaing, the crunchers, the headers. I myself am a part of it all. What ever is playing, the music controls my moves. The faster the beat, the faster i move and the more complex i go. Of course keeping time with one part to the rhytm of the bass. You feel the vibrations through the floor making you move your feet as though you are on hot ash, or coal. Once your mind is in control, then you are in control of your destiny. What move to make. But above al the DJ controls all. What he spins is what you dance to. Thats the way it is, so therefore the way it shall be done. Of course only the best DJ's can control the universe that you have sunk yourself into. You dance to his tune, yet you dance the way you want. You want to praise the floor that you are dancing upon, fo rit holds you and gives you the ultimate right to flow free. What the music says, you do. You are no longer in control.
then came the Rave scene then the whole dance all night every night and it has now become a normal part of everyday life very much like Prayer or Worship is to a Strong Christian...
Get it, got it....go on
Dance-Industrial REligion Can Dance be Considered a Religion?
So here i are, at New City, sitting on the side of the Floor, observing. And i have observed, listened, and thought to myself. Can Dance be considered a religion? I think so, in the right mind that i are in right now. From what i have seen. The way that the bodies on the Floor moved in compleate obsolite, time with the beat of the bass flowing through the club. They moved so clearly and defined as if in worship to a higher being. I could see music flowing through the wraths of the hands. Of course there the odd one out, stumbling, or even falling. Obvious not in a deep sense with the surroundings. But a majority, swaying and moving in time, in step. The Bass flowed freely as water from a well. Of course all these simple minded yet complex beings had a religion of there own. And just conversing with these individuals. Elaborating on the religious views of such. Some claim there to be no God, some claim to go to church out of respect, some have no views and choose no to talk. And then there are those with a compleate seperated, alienated view called the Wiccan. Of this i have no knowledge, but they claim to be a part of that group. So they all migrate here. To do what they love, to do what they need. I myself, personally, dance to get it out, to show the world. I myself claim that Dance is a religion that i follow. Of course whan i are on the floor, the world around my fades i and i are taken to a isolated place where there is nothing but the beat of the bass, the soothing calming sound of the synthesizer. Like a song once heard long ago is being reunited with my kindered spirit. My arms go as in worship to a something of somesort. I too am controlled by the music, the sound. It drowns out the world. My head overcome with amazment. These people i share this with, we put our faith, at this time into our dance. We are all equal yet, differnent. We are all dancing to the same tune yet we have our own styles. I have observed the flaing, the crunchers, the headers. I myself am a part of it all. What ever is playing, the music controls my moves. The faster the beat, the faster i move and the more complex i go. Of course keeping time with one part to the rhytm of the bass. You feel the vibrations through the floor making you move your feet as though you are on hot ash, or coal. Once your mind is in control, then you are in control of your destiny. What move to make. But above al the DJ controls all. What he spins is what you dance to. Thats the way it is, so therefore the way it shall be done. Of course only the best DJ's can control the universe that you have sunk yourself into. You dance to his tune, yet you dance the way you want. You want to praise the floor that you are dancing upon, fo rit holds you and gives you the ultimate right to flow free. What the music says, you do. You are no longer in control.
As i spin on the floor just as the disc plays, the world becomes a blur so that you have to close your eyes. And you are surrounded. The heat of other worshippers calms me and i feel safe in what i have submerged. Theres the odd touching of hands and bodies, but no one cares cause your all here for the same reason. DANCE. Ok so the bar or club in general is a place for pick-ups and one night stands, and the fuel of the dance. As i sit i observe lovers in a tight circle, holdind one another in the arms, feeling the music as it compleates them. I myslef discover that, with a lovely perosn i have wandered into. The feeling felt in the body is more than will ever be felt. As she places an arm on the shoulder, you have no choice but to hold them as well, and the look, the stare and the smile. Closer you come together feeling the music overtake the soul, and speak to one another. You move in time to the beat from the floor.
So in conclusion, i believe that dance may be a sub-cultured religion. Underground yet so popular. With classes, and compitions, and freeness. Everyone dose it. Its something that has been done for many decades,a nd will continue. Everyone believes in the DJ, and dance to worship and dance to praise. Wehter it be self, or for another reason. We are all apart of the dance revolution and it shall overtake. Who says you have to be drunk to dance. I wsnt drunk. I had one drink. Yet i danced so hard,a nd it felt so right, and natural. And it is a part of me. Ther is no right or wrong way to dance. You do it. The music controls you, and you are under control of the DJ.
Listing as of August 2008
so i need a new blue color, need to see a doctor just in case , see my Glenn, clean my , Sleep more, make more money to eat more
i need to write, write more poetry, Write out how my summer affected me in my personal growth. possibly make a draft about how it could of been vs. how it actually was..., and blog more, play more music and get a life...
I need to do whats right while keeping my rebel side active, stay true to myself while not backing down, stand up for my peers and myself and fight to the death your right to say it...
i need to accept, dream, live for the now, don't look back but keep my back in check, free fall, laugh, dance ever more than before, cry, suffer, justify, elaborate...
i need to find out, explore, learn, live, love, die, take that bullet...with time, support, grace, praise, quality time,
i need to play, pretend, be a child, be curious, ask questions, make mistakes, innocent, quiet, restless, hyper, surprised,
i need to get back up on my feet over all. pay back what needs to be paid. get my life in an orferly fashion and understand ohow this world works so i wont pose a risk of being swallowed up again.
i need to have more bean in my jeans by cutting out oterh areas of my life....
so i need a new blue color, need to see a doctor just in case , see my Glenn, clean my , Sleep more, make more money to eat more
i need to write, write more poetry, Write out how my summer affected me in my personal growth. possibly make a draft about how it could of been vs. how it actually was..., and blog more, play more music and get a life...
I need to do whats right while keeping my rebel side active, stay true to myself while not backing down, stand up for my peers and myself and fight to the death your right to say it...
i need to accept, dream, live for the now, don't look back but keep my back in check, free fall, laugh, dance ever more than before, cry, suffer, justify, elaborate...
i need to find out, explore, learn, live, love, die, take that bullet...with time, support, grace, praise, quality time,
i need to play, pretend, be a child, be curious, ask questions, make mistakes, innocent, quiet, restless, hyper, surprised,
i need to get back up on my feet over all. pay back what needs to be paid. get my life in an orferly fashion and understand ohow this world works so i wont pose a risk of being swallowed up again.
i need to have more bean in my jeans by cutting out oterh areas of my life....
Where I stand-Originally Posted Jan 31/08
Where i Stand-Jan 31/07 January 31/08
Where i stand today. Fearful yet fearless. Open yet not as honestand accepting as i can be. Yes i are scared. Right now i stand in the middle of myself. Constant battle. Constant war. Where am i going? What abput tommorrow? Dont worry. It'll be handled with your Pride and your agility. You can get by. You are srtong, perservent, Words bounce off you like water. You have it together. We can get by. But that is just an image. An image of the unknown. But honestly, you dont know. But right now i feel as though i can smile. I can laugh out loud so hard that in time i will begin to cry.But hose tears. Are what you need, what you long for. Yo have held on so tightly and so strongly until now. Don't let go cause you have an amazing life ahead of you. It dosen't matter what other people think. What you think. Do what you want for Yourself. You matter most. You have figured out a year ago that the world id a stage and you are the main actor. But is this life really an act? Do you have to constantly put on a mask? Why can't you be honest, true and amazing at the same time. You are strong on the surface, but not all the way through. Can you handle that? It's the truth. Face it. Face the truth. Come clean for yourself. It is a big step, but half the world knows already and don't care...haha. Live your life. Live it out. Fall in love, fal harder than ever, Dont be scared, Whats the honest use of being scared? There is no point. It dose nothing for you, but bring you down. You just freak yourself out and syke yourself. Not worth it at all. If you can accept you then im sure the rest of thw orld can, cause its all in the mind! You grew up to be who you are.
Life is more than mistakes to be dealt. Ponder them, learn from them and move on.Don't keep laying your your guilt on to other people. You cannot do that anymore. You are beyond that. You have changed. You, yourself and others around you. Thats how you wanted to go is it not? Knowing you have changed peoples lives. Already you have done some huge work. Yes some of it was mistaken. Like Wayne and Auni's, But you have changed Alisons. She said that to you. Heck, your own mother Karen has said it to you. Yeah it may not feel like it, but sub-conciously you know it. You dont keep track of your sub-concious. Probably why you can rememeber the stuff you have. It may not feel you have the right stuff to do the job you feel you have to do, but keep in ,ind you do. You are girded. You are READY. Remember that conversation? Quote unquote. “ I have never felt so happy, so content, so ready...” so dont get bummed out. It's all in yor mind. You can conquer and achieve. Ok so life is rather stressful at times. Ok moreso right now. Life is like a shaken bottle of pop. But stand strong. Stand your ground. And hey. Keep some for yourself. Dont go and give it all away. Cause some people dont need that . Not all people are like Alia. Some are like Rae. They keep it inside. You need to change. This issue. Its about you.And YOUR ethics and morals do not change for someone else and the beliefs. You cannot depend on what others do or say. You are not a clone or a dependant. So stop doing it. Seperate yourself. Slowly. Nicole said it. You realized it. You cannot change who you are, and dont back down to what others say. Many more fish in the sea. Just because one group alienates, isolates you. Theres others that can accept. But she promised and you asked her to promise. One persons opinion is different than others. So stop worrying and live life to the fullest potential. You havent look someone in the eyes and told them how you feel, you havent scubaed, you havent sky-dived, you havent driven the Autoban, you havent traveled the world, you havent married your true love, you havent screamed so loud that the word fades away. But you have dreamed, you have gone a little crazy, you have remembered, you have had a child!, you have fond true love, you have smiled in the darkeness, you have learned to trust, you have felt content and have been truthfully painfully honest. And you have felt the deepest painful cut you could ever receive either from yourself or another person. What do you think makes you the way you are? Its your head ans mind, your thoughts and dreams. Do what you can when you can. Mean what you say, change a life, write a book, write it out, Dance it out, Get that degree, prove yourself, shock people, Step out on a limb and be spontaneous! Your lip ring was a good start.
Its doesn't matter what other people think. No one controls your mind and the way you thoughts go but the conscious YOU. You love to smile, put it behind you and forget about it. And you can do it to your hearts content. As long as it doesn't bring you down to a slump for days on Weeks, keep it behind you and keep on trucking. Life is good. Live for the NOW. There's so much to live for. Family. Friends. So many people to meet. Jobs to do. Things to buy. OK so money's a little tighter than expected. But honestly. If you have no money now, but you have food to eat, and a roof over year head, and a warm bed to sleep in and warm clothes to dress in, and you connection with the world, then FCUK it. It'll come. The world is worth exploring, worth learning. Commitments...Meh. You want them and long for them, but you dont need them. You are an independent person, with views and opinions, and arguments, and statements, and testimoneys, and morals, and respect, and greatness, and LOVE. If someone cannot accept that. Then its time to let them go. Love the world. Just as i have loved you. Freely you have received so freely give...
Yeah, i definitely are. I honestly do not like changing routine or falling out of sequence. I like the security of knowing that yes. This is what is supposed to happen and if something were to happen, then ok, you can handle that. But if your whole routine is thrown off...then what? For example...Didn't go to church, but stayed in Bed until 2:30pm. Ok so who wouldn't? It was -36 with an additional windchill. And you could see the cold without looking at a temperature or anything. But i was looking forward to church as i did every week. And Thursdays are a big thing for me. Not only because i get to see my Best Friend...and have Short deep talks, but i get to see other people who can support me on my quest with God. And i get to pray with other people which is really good for me,and i get to worship with other people and feel free! No one understands the impact it has. It has become so routine that i am constantly prepping myself for that final day, which was tonight. Just knowing that another routine is ahead, but its that change i are scared of. I hate losing something. Take for example my phone. That threw me off the edge and it was my fault. I are honestly a very routine directed person. I struggled getting into routine when i moved back,and i guess i will struggle now. It's just, i have something on my mind that i need to get out. I feel i need to be honest, and the fact that this piece of information mixed with certain unknown views, scares me, into thinking that i will lose something valuable, some thing vital.its like piercing into a blood vessel. Tap, scratch, punch, ect, the Wong way and there goes your blood, your oxygen level. And you slowly cast off. But again that being dependant, and you cannot do that. You have to save that, and heck, you have been dealing with it how long? 16-17 years now? Most people didn't notice until you hinted or exclaimed. Mistake of course, but it was all good. They are still there! But I'm scared i will lose this along with the routine i have fallen into so nicely, i have fitted and moulded.
Commitments as well are frightening me. Money matters, where my next money will go. As of February 4th you may have to hide for a bit not to get arrested,as you haven't saved a bit for the tickets you got...its just. Real life is hard. Its a challenge. When you have been cushioned all your life and everything was provided and you didn't have to worry. It was said...” Do i have to lose everything and have nothing before i can fully depend on God? I have almost reached the state of nothing. I have no money, no vehicle, hardly no food at times, no social activity, no love, no faith at times. Its hard and sticky. You can do nothing but drown. Hahaha. But who wants to do that when there is so much to live for. so much to go forward to, so much to conquer and divide. I don't want to follow a Norm, i don't want to follow the right way..it may not be the best way for the society but I'll work with it...
Where i stand today. Fearful yet fearless. Open yet not as honestand accepting as i can be. Yes i are scared. Right now i stand in the middle of myself. Constant battle. Constant war. Where am i going? What abput tommorrow? Dont worry. It'll be handled with your Pride and your agility. You can get by. You are srtong, perservent, Words bounce off you like water. You have it together. We can get by. But that is just an image. An image of the unknown. But honestly, you dont know. But right now i feel as though i can smile. I can laugh out loud so hard that in time i will begin to cry.But hose tears. Are what you need, what you long for. Yo have held on so tightly and so strongly until now. Don't let go cause you have an amazing life ahead of you. It dosen't matter what other people think. What you think. Do what you want for Yourself. You matter most. You have figured out a year ago that the world id a stage and you are the main actor. But is this life really an act? Do you have to constantly put on a mask? Why can't you be honest, true and amazing at the same time. You are strong on the surface, but not all the way through. Can you handle that? It's the truth. Face it. Face the truth. Come clean for yourself. It is a big step, but half the world knows already and don't care...haha. Live your life. Live it out. Fall in love, fal harder than ever, Dont be scared, Whats the honest use of being scared? There is no point. It dose nothing for you, but bring you down. You just freak yourself out and syke yourself. Not worth it at all. If you can accept you then im sure the rest of thw orld can, cause its all in the mind! You grew up to be who you are.
Life is more than mistakes to be dealt. Ponder them, learn from them and move on.Don't keep laying your your guilt on to other people. You cannot do that anymore. You are beyond that. You have changed. You, yourself and others around you. Thats how you wanted to go is it not? Knowing you have changed peoples lives. Already you have done some huge work. Yes some of it was mistaken. Like Wayne and Auni's, But you have changed Alisons. She said that to you. Heck, your own mother Karen has said it to you. Yeah it may not feel like it, but sub-conciously you know it. You dont keep track of your sub-concious. Probably why you can rememeber the stuff you have. It may not feel you have the right stuff to do the job you feel you have to do, but keep in ,ind you do. You are girded. You are READY. Remember that conversation? Quote unquote. “ I have never felt so happy, so content, so ready...” so dont get bummed out. It's all in yor mind. You can conquer and achieve. Ok so life is rather stressful at times. Ok moreso right now. Life is like a shaken bottle of pop. But stand strong. Stand your ground. And hey. Keep some for yourself. Dont go and give it all away. Cause some people dont need that . Not all people are like Alia. Some are like Rae. They keep it inside. You need to change. This issue. Its about you.And YOUR ethics and morals do not change for someone else and the beliefs. You cannot depend on what others do or say. You are not a clone or a dependant. So stop doing it. Seperate yourself. Slowly. Nicole said it. You realized it. You cannot change who you are, and dont back down to what others say. Many more fish in the sea. Just because one group alienates, isolates you. Theres others that can accept. But she promised and you asked her to promise. One persons opinion is different than others. So stop worrying and live life to the fullest potential. You havent look someone in the eyes and told them how you feel, you havent scubaed, you havent sky-dived, you havent driven the Autoban, you havent traveled the world, you havent married your true love, you havent screamed so loud that the word fades away. But you have dreamed, you have gone a little crazy, you have remembered, you have had a child!, you have fond true love, you have smiled in the darkeness, you have learned to trust, you have felt content and have been truthfully painfully honest. And you have felt the deepest painful cut you could ever receive either from yourself or another person. What do you think makes you the way you are? Its your head ans mind, your thoughts and dreams. Do what you can when you can. Mean what you say, change a life, write a book, write it out, Dance it out, Get that degree, prove yourself, shock people, Step out on a limb and be spontaneous! Your lip ring was a good start.
YOU ARE YOU WILL and most importantly...YOU CAN!!
Its doesn't matter what other people think. No one controls your mind and the way you thoughts go but the conscious YOU. You love to smile, put it behind you and forget about it. And you can do it to your hearts content. As long as it doesn't bring you down to a slump for days on Weeks, keep it behind you and keep on trucking. Life is good. Live for the NOW. There's so much to live for. Family. Friends. So many people to meet. Jobs to do. Things to buy. OK so money's a little tighter than expected. But honestly. If you have no money now, but you have food to eat, and a roof over year head, and a warm bed to sleep in and warm clothes to dress in, and you connection with the world, then FCUK it. It'll come. The world is worth exploring, worth learning. Commitments...Meh. You want them and long for them, but you dont need them. You are an independent person, with views and opinions, and arguments, and statements, and testimoneys, and morals, and respect, and greatness, and LOVE. If someone cannot accept that. Then its time to let them go. Love the world. Just as i have loved you. Freely you have received so freely give...
Do you ever feel—scared?
“yes”
Do you ever feel---insecure?
“all the time..well not all the time but i used to”
“yes”
Do you ever feel---insecure?
“all the time..well not all the time but i used to”
Yeah, i definitely are. I honestly do not like changing routine or falling out of sequence. I like the security of knowing that yes. This is what is supposed to happen and if something were to happen, then ok, you can handle that. But if your whole routine is thrown off...then what? For example...Didn't go to church, but stayed in Bed until 2:30pm. Ok so who wouldn't? It was -36 with an additional windchill. And you could see the cold without looking at a temperature or anything. But i was looking forward to church as i did every week. And Thursdays are a big thing for me. Not only because i get to see my Best Friend...and have Short deep talks, but i get to see other people who can support me on my quest with God. And i get to pray with other people which is really good for me,and i get to worship with other people and feel free! No one understands the impact it has. It has become so routine that i am constantly prepping myself for that final day, which was tonight. Just knowing that another routine is ahead, but its that change i are scared of. I hate losing something. Take for example my phone. That threw me off the edge and it was my fault. I are honestly a very routine directed person. I struggled getting into routine when i moved back,and i guess i will struggle now. It's just, i have something on my mind that i need to get out. I feel i need to be honest, and the fact that this piece of information mixed with certain unknown views, scares me, into thinking that i will lose something valuable, some thing vital.its like piercing into a blood vessel. Tap, scratch, punch, ect, the Wong way and there goes your blood, your oxygen level. And you slowly cast off. But again that being dependant, and you cannot do that. You have to save that, and heck, you have been dealing with it how long? 16-17 years now? Most people didn't notice until you hinted or exclaimed. Mistake of course, but it was all good. They are still there! But I'm scared i will lose this along with the routine i have fallen into so nicely, i have fitted and moulded.
Commitments as well are frightening me. Money matters, where my next money will go. As of February 4th you may have to hide for a bit not to get arrested,as you haven't saved a bit for the tickets you got...its just. Real life is hard. Its a challenge. When you have been cushioned all your life and everything was provided and you didn't have to worry. It was said...” Do i have to lose everything and have nothing before i can fully depend on God? I have almost reached the state of nothing. I have no money, no vehicle, hardly no food at times, no social activity, no love, no faith at times. Its hard and sticky. You can do nothing but drown. Hahaha. But who wants to do that when there is so much to live for. so much to go forward to, so much to conquer and divide. I don't want to follow a Norm, i don't want to follow the right way..it may not be the best way for the society but I'll work with it...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)