change

change is good.
 you never know when
 it will happen
sleep on it, null it over

digging deep inside
my soul i search
for answers to
these complicated questions

tossing and turning
nightmares reflect
my mind trying to
work it out

day by day i search
more inside deeper
and i cast out the answers
and direct myself

tbc

out of control.

yet still intact.
she still years for me. and i cant figure this out.
has it run out of control
can it continue on.
i want to be with her.
 in a way just because she wants to be with me halfly because i had developed similar feelings.
mow everythin is just plain complicated. she wants me to take the place that is similar to brennans becsue brennan is her husband an she loves jhim too.
and she loves me at the exact same time. she wants me to take a place in a gf way. im sure tht will only last solong.

im so close out to getting to my dream of living in b.c
im so close to just stepping in there
 just falling forwards. like i were jumping out of a plane
i have a small parachute and hope i live.
ill spread my wings and be me

illt ake the world over and ill end up famous
 witht he hottest girl and the best girl
my wife will be hot shit. my wife will be fun
my wife will haev dark hair. deep eyes and slender legs.
 she will fit in my arms and know just how to turn me on.
she will be ready whenever i want it and take me when ever she needs it
my girl will be smart and supetrnatural
my girl will be on ym arm like candy she wont wanna leaave.
my girl will fit in my arms on all occasions.
my girl will kno what i want when i want it.
my girl will know me and know i want my girl looking hot.
shes tease me please me and more.
kiss me in all the right places and urge me in every way else
my wife will love me for everything i am and nothing less
ill marry at sunset on a hott summer night and she will be angelic and ill be her man.

thought it was over.

she bit my neck last night. not hard enough. but i felt it. stuck in my mind all night. dont know how to take it i was teasing her too. i deserved it. but she did it all slow. and let me kiss her after. omg.bit my lip headspace all fuzz. fuck. thought it was like clsing. but no she will prolly always have a crush on me. i dont get why she maes me feel all weird inside. like. no. maybe im addicted to that,. miss it. too possibly. i got to ask my friends for hugs now. dont got the unlimited thing no more. wont get many more after i leave this city. dont really know many people. but its a town and thereas that 4.20 dude. whos chillaxan. :] ill miss her.  really try and be in the middle of every moment ig et . might not get it for a while. i wont be looking fo rno girlfriend anytime soon. just for my own sake and well being. need to find that independance that once made me who i am.  need to trip stumble and fal a few times before i can really get back up and go at it. im almost ther.e pretty strong enough. getting better each day. had a bad streak for a while. got depressive. lost. unfocused. then it all settle din nicely. gently. everything will be easy and simple 420 rent due 12.10 2010 lol. easy . nothing to it. everything is perfect. just keep smiling.

>.

where to start. where to go. standing alone. too jump. do it. do it now. dont look back. maybe you dont give a damn anyway. you dont know. not right now. are you scared? yes. are you nervous. yes. it snuck up on me. i planned this and now im going with it. instinct? perhaps. do you really know? no. i dont really give a damn.  ima do it however best i maybe could do it. i need to man up. face up. get there. be done. be one. be me>? dont fret about money. can you/? im not sure.dont give it up.  just raise it up. you can do it, just relax. maybe?                      
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

elevator music here.

just face it. your going out on a wild limb and your agoing to see if you can survive. you know you can. its like instinct.  instinct. instinct. with a flow? is there such thing. something to hold on to int eh night.

 maybe just a vacation is in order. something to rest upon. no work. just hng out. do your thing. relax.
your fried. nerves gone.s tuck to an endless cylse like a zombie. cant beleive your doing it night after night. hanging in there. dont know whats going on.  / /  / do we?

600
400
200
400?/
-------
-1600///

08.26.10 +2000

10.15.10 =1023

somehow only have 2637. 11.10.10

depending on some hard cash right about now. ?

 

B00M punch in the face

just booked my plane ticket.  this week has been a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts flying by. and reality standing me down. time to make this move. to place this jump. one foot in front of the other. easy now. just take it easy. gentle. nothing frantic. dont get worked up. remember the last two times i tried. kinda. didnt really have a plan then. kind of got a plan now. but im not really telling anyone i dont know if i know if i have an idea of what i am actually doing. so. i know i do. i just got to face it. im like hoovering. but everday closer im like turning more towards facing it. next thing i know im prolly going to find myself travelling down the QE2 face to face. with it. eye to eye. palmsa re sweaty. head feels stuffy. with thinking ness. cant really do it straight. i really need to sleep i had a 12 hour day at work . it was great. it really wasnt. but i tried.

why dose it have to be this way

what is the difference
 between night and day
is it really time or is it a mind thing
im dead tired and its late for me
its more like daylight for the living

i stumble across the life platform
 wandering aimlessly
 floating almost silently
clear of my road ahead but the
 rain smashes down so hard
im gonna get wet if i go outside

so far so good.
 just hanging by a moment
searching for peices of my self
to construct a whole new ability
 time to rise up and conquer
 regain my own self
welcome back to me.

money sucks

when i was 18 i thought i had it all
i thought i could get it all
i knew i wanted it all
careless, mindless young.

i knew the basics
rent bills and budget
did i know how to do that?
i had an idea

i was on my own
that was my own choice.
i went on my way
not a care in the world.

got a place. ..halfway
paid the rent
......best i could
barely got through that.

lost all my shit.
lost my job and my sensibility
nearly lost my mind.
but i was strong through it

i kept the mind set -i had it.
i went with the flow~
but i forgot one big thing
"to pay the rent"

the bills
kept pilling up.
couldn't make enough money
could find the right job

jumped all around the place.
couldn't find the money
i was just getting the basics.
hardly could get food

had to get an advance.
had a good grip on that.
for a while
til i lost my job

i lost my job and then i lost my connections.
phone. t.v finally Internet
and ultimately all my personal
belongings in the apartment i had to run from.

i lost everything.
my whole world fell through on me
i lost grip and step.
what now? cant pay anything

couldn't even find a safe place to stay at night
how did i get through it?
what happened to me?
just saved by a hair;

now i wanna go try it all again?
can i do that really?
I'm really not having much faith in my self right now
...i feel pretty unstable right now.

--------------------------------------

i got a call this morning and they found me
they want there money by Friday
but they want to make a compromise
they are willing to let me go

so i need to pay them
i need to hand over the money
and call it done
and i need to find everything else i owe.

the world is telling me something
along the lines of i need to close my accounts
pay my debts perhaps
before i actually leave for good

somethings telling me
i really should stop running away.
its not doing any good
i have proof now they will find me.

got this feeling i need to do this right
i need ore time
i need to not rush and really just focus.
on my own personal self worth wealth and security.

move on

the month is over.
the seasons are changing.
i feel a desparte pull and battle
inside my soul
there scraping and scratching.
no idea wahere to go or how to get there

feel so right . here with you in my arms
i never want to forget this feeling
never want to lose this moment.
i got to detach soon.
i cant go much further.
i never thought any more of where we are right now.

i only wanted a kiss and i got plenty.
now im scared you awnt more from me
and i cant do it. i just freeze. i stall. break down
shes so soft. tender. perfeect in a way no one can suspect.
just fits into my arms like she belonged therer the whole time
i cant be like this
i cant be all mush.
i need to be strong and just let it be to apint. and mayeb she will appreciate what she got
and surrender the friendship over a relationship.

that is waht matters most.
to me

my head.

my head is filled. with untamed thoughts
and weird complexions
something not making sense.
things are going off track
im vunerable and helpless
i want to speak up.
but i cant hear my own self

im here. but am i really
i get lost in translation
between good and eveil arguing around my skull
i had some weird experiences that last few nights.
satuirday night. they were laughing at me for a while
last ngiht they gathered to chat around me
sarcasticlly as if i couldnt hear them

now theres two people.
one guy still and i heard a females voice.
i heard them conversing. very low
very quiet.
i didnt want to hear them
i wished they werent there.
a few times they shouted.
and i turned around scared
still conversing in my head.
but it feels like
there standing rght behind me

i wish i copuld tell someone
who wouldnt judge me
or turn me into the psychotic hospital
i couldnt handle it there.
they would restrain me
they would make me take pills
try adn make me better
am ui really sick>? or can i pull this one off

being psychotic in this world
isnt a great trait to have.
not even being mental is.
i could try and look normal.
am i really normal. or will someone
figure this out
i cant hold this secret to close to me
or its feared and predicted that i might
not make it out very well

i hate shrink i hate doctors.
i hate pills i hate meds
i need to just be normal
but thats so boring.
i dont mind these voices in my head.
they only scare me only when they start coming arounda gain.
if they leave like they had been
im usualy fine.
but now that they are filing back into my spac

i just need to focus on my company.
my little friend is coming back
hes settling in
was on vacation for a bit i suppose.
now i need to make room
hopefuly he will be nice.
maybe he wont.
ill take action.
i bring him down.
i cant remember what made him go away last
just the mindset.
how i loved my free life and did everything

i can get back to that.
i can make it like that again
find peace within myself again
i am older
more experienced
but i am leaving this place
and going to a new one

these are the weeks to make or break

pressure has risen
leaning on my own self and own
here its just a pile of mountians
between me and the ocean.
i need that coast.
i need to getout of here alive
once and for all. i cant get caught on
i need to focus
i need to relate. i
i need to just go

its hard now.
i dont know why i think shit
i dont know why i hear shit
i just need to do shit
i m just really glad im not actually seeing shit yet.
i really hope i dont get to that that point
that would be the fuck up
its in my head now
im on my own her.e

nobody really gets me
to be the real me
i need to focus
not on anyone else but me
i need to be selfish
i need to not be a nice guy for a while
i need to be here for me
really get into what i want and not what other people want
from me
its time to disconnect from
this realtiy and focus on myself for a long time

i cant care about other people anymore
they cared about me
but i havent
i need to just do it for me
not for nobody else
get back to that mindset i lost a while ago
fuzzy and faded.

i cant
i need to forget
i need to not be her.e
i need to leave.
gtfo. never come back
i cant come back this place. is. .


its snowing
im really glad it didnt snow on my birthday or party
fuck saturday. it.
i dont even know waht happened.

ugh. i hate this.

its all over now

she came in.
raised some hell
called a few harsh words
her words cant hurt me
im immune to insult
you can try and
wreck me with your words
but it wont happen
ill tear you apart faster
my words are razor sharp.
i always win in the end
i choose how this day will end
i ended this day
take your shit
take your crap
im over this.

its ok

stress no more
your out on the table now
theres no secrets here
were tight like that
just sail in the wind of life
just float on by.
get noticed but dont make too much
wave. in the shallow pit of life
just float. on . gentle
like a breeze. just make enough impact
that the next day can feel it.
yout still thought of.
possibly dreamt of.
stay in the minds of the persons
you are closest to. and they
will stay in yours
forever never lost.
translate the creativity
and the hard hand of honesty
when it slaps you in the face
dont just stand there like you didnt know
ill tell you to your face
how disgusted i am with it all
i lied to myself when i was there
and now i cant afford to do that anymore
i need to take chances
i need to risk it all
i need to be in my own skin
and talk for my own sake
i want to be my own.
you would of ended up slowly killing me.
im moving on.
tharer are much better things in life
much better things to do when single.
ill never forget my experiecnes.
ill never look back
ill never regret
ill live for the moment in whatever momwnt im in
weather it be close or stray.
ill be there.
count on me

Here we go.

this can has been opened. and itn not done.
the Ex gf will find out today. by the intrest herself.
face to face. one on one. single handedly.
what will this bring
what will this create. will it fuck up
will it not matter. maybe she will laugh.
maybe she will laugh at me..? hmm

tough situation i dont know waht to do with.
confusion. helplessness.
just hanging here waiting for a answer
another move. another motive.

im happy its going down tonite.
good as night as ever. 4 days away. from the party
now the coast is clear.
maybe she will float a little closer to me
i would love that. id hold her touch her. feel her. touchy feely
i told her straight up
just tell her. you want to . i knew it was going down to nite.
i had a feeling all day.
and here we go. only about 3 hours till i figure out
how this bomb will blow up.
will it even blow up?
i can only sit pace wait.
day by day. minuet by minuet.
agony. regret. nervousness. all combined into one.

this is a grenade. after heather knows its about time every one knew.
tonights actions will depict whats going down for real on saturday.
will i have a stand in. will i have to stand in for myself.
will it be awkward. will it be the best ever.
i can only throw the dice and wait for them to land.

here i go .

someones crushin

shes stuck. in her head connected to mine. she sits and waits and i maintain my quiet complexity. staring off to space, through my periferals i can see her. stare at me for just more than the tsandard blink. she catches herself. looks back to where im looking. but im watching her. i notice only her. the every movement. the every shadow. wondering, cautiously. we wander through the zig zag of complexity and secrecy slowly building up more courage everyday. mmmm she kissed me that night. one of the best ones i ever had. man now thats two pretty sweet ass kisses now. and now she wants to rip my clothes off every time she sees me. a turn on. i think so. theres so many things i could say to that. i have her wrapped around my finger so gently and cautiously. i have to keep my steady posture though . this is a secret mission. just the two of us. wandering aimlessly through the path. i have no clue whats going on. and she sure as hell dosent have the first clue. eve ry thing is new to her. everythign is the first time all over again. i need to make it memorable. theres pressure there. just slightly. what was my first time with a chick like. did i hate it. was it gentle. was it crazy. i want to make her head spin.; catch her by surprise. but coast in gently and softly like it was so natural. it needs to feel real. it needs to take time. i cant spook her. this is brand new territory for me as well. its like were in a dark room just us and we have no idea waht to do or say. im stuck now. i dont wnt to go tooo far ahead. in fear she oculd fall for me. or worse. i could fall for her. that would be bad especially when im trying to keep it low key and personal yet distanced at the same time. but her taste dosent escape me. stuck there on repeat. hmm. think. i need to move out and on. i need to do my own thing. this isnt even a fling its just an adventure lets say. just something fun along the way. dont get in to deep. you cant afford that. just have some fun and relax. take it easy. she loves the attention and fuck yah you do. too. this weekend will be tricky. its our combined birthdays. we cant seem to keep hands off each other too long after we had a few drinks or two. or a toke and a half. heres the sticky side. . the ex gf will be there. its gonna be hard shit. i dont want to turn the exon any more than i want to turn her on. an the ex will be after me. and her bf will be after her and its gonna be one big fuck up. but i know i got her wrapped around me. i got her in tight. she wants me. she wants to rape me for god sakes. shes the one who has the crush on more than i ever thought origniall.y

so good.

last night she came to me
smelled me, touched me
i didnt have to call her
but she looked so good.

she tasted so sweet
tender and soft, gentle and
pressedly lightly agaisnt my lips.
she wants me, it tastes so good.

the rips in her clothes
were just begging for more
i couldnt even keep my hands off
oh but she moved so good.

her eyes were like diamonds
sparkled along with them jewels
embedded into her jeans.
she can tease me so good

wrapping my arms around her
tightly like i never want to let go
i only get a few minuets to touch her
these are the moments that are so good

now what!

holy shit balls fuck.

i don't even know what to do or say right now.
I'm so i don't even know. my head feel so floaty.\
thoughts scattered. trains off track.
i don't think i pissed him off. i really don't think he cared.
she wanted it.
she asked for it.
from the start.

i picked her signals up
even if she didn't put them there.
i read her. i got it. i felt it.
a connection. wanting needing
to venture farther. deeper. inside.


held her hand. she embraced mine
brushed my fingers across her face
her neck.her hair. made her gasp.
but she hit my weak spot dead on. perfectly .
how could i not stop. was it natural.

what is she thinking. did i fuck it up.
did i cross this line. did i fool around too far.
she held my hand. ran her palm down my jawbone my neck.
she placed my arm around her.
she cuddled up to me.

it wont go anywhere. it cant.
I'm not a home wrecker. I'm not one to destroy.
but it was safe. it was all go. he was all with it.
I'm sure i aroused him more when i kissed her
deeply. ? I'm unsure. i couldn't think.

thinking was past me. my heart was
beating to loud to bother listening to my brain
not fast. just loud. I'm surprised at how calm
maintained the situation. her fingers petting
the small of my back

i cant help my jolty moves. every now and again.
i lost it. control. shes touching me
I'm holding her. shes falling
in and out of consciousness. floating away.

how can it mean anything
I'm just being crushed on.
my only responsibility is to
leave this place in good working order and make sure i make no bad blood.
which i haven't. but Ive been kind of sloppy as of late

but they say I'm just really chill and almost ot easy.
but fuck you all. she went down my pants. first. touched me there. first.
she went there. i let her taste a little .
i didn't want her to rush it.
but my pants came this close to .
dropping off.

mm mm, now my brain is filed with wickedness.
my head can't be clear. I'm so fuzzy. inside i feel odd
strangely funny. in a good way .i feel like i
have never done that in my life.


thrilling. exciting. what i live for,
and the whole make a straight girl kiss me.
and have crush on me. not even made her do that.

she pulled that one on her own.
what dose it mean. she want to go more. farther.
i want more. i sure hope i left her wanting more.
the crazy shit i get into .
the insane stuff i can get away with.
the way i can wrap peoplea round my finger.

oh to be jazz is quite wonderful
and i freaking love being single.

guess whos back

My mind is dark and tainted
Theres echos in my head
I really try not to listen
but there telling me instead.

Vacat this place not of enviornment
But of your soul as well
They also say I am too weary
To possibly carry on alone

As I sit here and analyze this fact.
Ive been alone the whole time
So maybe my thoughts
Really are the only escape of my demise.

So isolated and caged
Away like some randy lion
The character who lives
In my head return to his place again

Above my left temporal lobe
It swells coz I cant keep it under wraps
He entered my life again this time
And now hes really laughing

I know he wont be here long.
I just need to get better.
Like a recovery from a drug
Her love was a drug

Now step away child and be free
Your guy is here to help
Do not be scared he wispers
But I cringe at the sound of the voice.

Hes made his mark here times before
Never realy settling in for good.
Like a ghost that reappears
When my life compleately fails on me .



I can try and run away
But they will keep following.
Lie I have a tracing device on me.
I probably do

Someones out there watching me
Someone wants to get me
Just hide away and don’t look back
They wont even know your gone.

Is this a disese or a melody.
Should I really be scared or just lose hope
Nevermind me ill just go woth a flow
Prentend everything is alright.

Ive been here before I can talk him down
I know what not to believe.
But when you smackdown your last standing real live friend
It really strts to irk you that you realyhad no control over that.

You let him control you.
You succumbed to his demise.
You let him control you
How far will you go


So now whaat do you do
Do you need a doctor or will this pass to.
I am a stronger person I can say
But thisis my only real battle.

It gets bad like I say
Other times its ok
This time its getting hard.

Ill win it. When I get out of here.
Just this town is a slick
cesspool of toxic avengence
just waiting to get uncanned.



I cant go back
I must go forward
I must move on fully and gracefully
Makes it seem so easy


^^

i found myself in a day where nothing happens.
sleep is the flavor and getting high is the point.
laying around in a cesspool of interruppted thoughts
i mange to raise myself like the dead
i eat no good. my body probably destroying itself
the means to make me stronger. are
not in contact with the being of myself

every waking moment i try and think of
a good reason to keep fighting life.
when everything i own is going thru the stages of lost
my life slowly shattering infront of me
my plans slightly detterred in a way that strangles my
drive and emotion about everyhting that matters

things should matter more.
i should care more.
everything is carefree
i feel alone all day and all night.

shes so gone

the last two years of my life have been perfect. for me. had a girl who loved me to peices and the world could not break our bond. we had the good times and the bad times too. but it all seems a blur now that its all over. ive been single for three weeks now and everyday is a different story. some days i feeel like dying. other i want to feel really angry. some days i wish i was in a dream and it wasnt real and she hadnt broken up with me and we were going to be married. other times i look back and say was i drunk or high?? well mostly i was. mostly she mother the hell out of me and i loved it. everything was looked after. there was nothing left. i hardly had to think. and well maybe i stopped thinking long enough. she says its would be good for me. thats she was think ing about me. she dosent want to hold me back. how can she hold me back when shes not even here to hold me up? it feels like a bridge caved in arounsd my heart. everything was bliss and easy. then BAM! it falls apart. like a rusty nail gave in and destroyed everything. ruins i stand in. the dust settles and i got nothing left. shes all moved out. she moved out last friday. this week has been hell on me. coming home after work. shes not there. her cars gone. the colorful window is gone. my walls are bare. i feel empty. and she leaves behind the meaning ful cards i wrote to her as a token of her appreciation for our relationship. or as a sign she dosent want tobe bothered again down the road. she wishes to forget about me. she only wishes i would leave sooner so she can go date and fuck that anna kidd. i still thinkin there was some messing around done there. nothing can take back my thoughts. no words can be said tht will change my mind. we still hang out alot. we cuddled today. it felt good. i miss it so much. i cried again around her. i wish i was strong enough again to not cry around her. i wish i could look at her again normally. i wish i could kiss her lips. everyday i widh this was a dream and one day ill wake up and everytinbg was better agian. she was here in my arms. ill never take her for granted again. ill grow up i promise. ill be better. i want you back. @

now what!

so heres the news. the strange turn of events that have tilted my world to a mere sideways angle. i lost my footing for a while. i had to reagin my blalance. basically i got a blow to the side of my emotional and relationship-al supports system. my girlfriend whom i love very dearly and muchly. decided that she did not want to come with me to vancouver. hmmm.

first reactions were cold. a strange series of events quickly made me draw a solution. it jsut so happend there was this girl . much more interesting, more cool, prolly even more hotter and i could of guess they might of been better in the b.e.d than i was. so what do you kow. the x is working night shift hours. as this goes down. so im at home chillian and she always comes home talking about how this mystery girl hangs out with her lots. and by lots i mean all nighters kind of thing. like as in my bo.s.s would walk in and see this girl here talking it up with the breakfast lady and the X. happended about 3 or 4 times i do believe. then this bomb is dropped in my area. BAM. i dont want to go to vancouver island with you. i want to stay with my fami.y i still love you. i dont want to hold you back. you can see other people. i want you to have fun. your better single than attached. a whirlwind of everytihng running thru my head. suddenly my radar is up. sketchy. i dont know. but i did know one thing. i was eventualy gonna break up with this girl and this girl dumped me. !!

i hav never had to work about getting over someone. usually i lose intrest and by the time the break up comes along im like oh yah p.s .. but here im just reeling. its like someone shot my leg and my foot. i collapse all inside. everything shuts down. everything is a mass amount of loss empty and confusion. i wish i was dreaming and it wasnt true. but everyday tells me that its every bit true. she moved out yesterday. still has one more load of stuff to bring to her new place. i feel mor empty now than ever. i got to go thru more boxes and stuff coz i gotta pack down for my trip to the coast.

now i really got to get away. i have to run so far away. and forget all tis ever happened. now i really feel destroyed and that this whole city and part of my life has just failed me. like there absolutley no sense being her.e she wats to be frineds. but were not friendsly type . in real life. she wou.ld'nt be my type. i would not choose to hang out with her and her frineds. she changed so much as a person for me. and she changed me too. it seems like she is settling nicely in to her pre me days. and its like i feel stuck in the mud. everydayi need an excuse for everything to make my self get out of bed. i really want to be in there right now. but i really feel the need to write this as well. but now i have to buckle down and focus on getting out of this place. and to never ever return. i hoep everyone forgets about me. i dont want to be here.

im scared. the last 2 years were luxury. were prime everything. it was delightful i had a lot of fuin. i really enjoyed myself. just being with her. coz shes so pretty to look at. and now theres no car in the drive way. no one beside me. nobody wants to hold me . no body can listen to me. cept those who are my frineds. we had a different realationship. full fo trust and openness and relaxing. we shared most of everything . from finances to furniture. to everything. we lived in 2 places togethther and Almost celebrated 2 years. man that day is gunna suck . i dont know waht i will do. but the last two year i also did lose touch with my inner sellf. i changed who i was becasue i loved this girl. and im supposed to go right back to my old life. and it seems impossible i dont even remeber what i was doing then. so waht the hell so i do now.

i went balls deep into this commitment and i was srsly considering the marriage card. and i had to admit i was compleately taken off gaurd when she pulled the marriage card out on me. i said yes. but i didnt want word getting out. coz i i was still in so much shock. i could of said yes and tolld everyone but i dont know. im so young still. i dont wanna see that card till im over 35
but we really went thru like 6 years worth of stuff. 2 years took alot out of me and it might take me a while to get back to being normal. im feel so bruised and batterd about this. i feel like i wasnt good enough. she swears she wasnt doing anyting with this girl she hung out with oddly lots. and i belive her for now. until i can prove it other wise. i do not know. and i think it hurts me to think about it. but i can t help that either.

so ill continue everyday in the stretch to B.C and try and save everything. ill keep you updated as the days and weeks go by . i really want to continue my blog for sure. nearly everyday starting sept 1

Lets Go!

come on. lets get outta her.e. lets get lost. lets fly away. to the ocean. over the moutians. willd like a breeze! where ever i can go and however far i can go. ill do anything to get there. and i might do more to get there soone.r i wann pack up. and move. just gtfo. asap. only faster. im so ready for change. im so done. i kno it. im finished here in edmonton. i've worn it out. i need a new change a fresh face. something new to chew on. to take over. to indulge in. i just need it. this whole petro crap is just plain crap. not doing me anything. not gonna do me anything. i gotta get up and get out. i wanna get into music so dam straight i should get into music. just do whatever. anything that includes or falls under the musical tab. just get into it. a gas station dose nothing and i have proven that. i have tried to make money but it dosent happen. my shitty apartment takes whatever i got for a cheque then my cats then my food. then all those extra things. liek internet. which i need. t.v a phone? yah. its nuts. there goes my cheque and then some because i smoke copeious amounts of weed just to deal with my shiity make of a life which is ridiculus in the sense i am a high school graduate. i can do more than what ever the fuck i doing now. the same f**damn thing iw as doing a year ago. likeWAKE th Fukkk up! gtet real and get on. lets go the train to real life is departing in 6 months.

by that is i have made this solid decision and will do quite anything that needs to be done to lift off and get the fuck out of this shit hole of a life i call real. yah time to grow up and make me a person.. time to get real and keep my head up and to be human. and real. and everythig that needs to be to get there. i bet in 10 years i can be making the big bucks somehow. someway. i kno more when i get ther. i so for real . 6 months or less. my lease here expires in october. my BDAY gift to my self. moving to the coast to make my life.

and i kno its gona b expensive and theres gonna be ties to cut and things to go with out of for a while. and gotta tough it out for however long its gotta take till i figure it out. and learn my ropes and then ride it all the way!! but we all start out at the end. to make it real and we start out busted and bruised and bloom into something fantasticand i kno it can get long and straining but someday my world is gonna change and i dont necissarliy gotta bee in the. spotlight. the subshawdows are great. as long as i make an impact. oh im so excited. this is for real

this is exactly i needed to do. and wanted to do like 2 years ago this time. just get up and leave but this timei got back up and a longer plan but support and back up and reliablity and a person to fall against in times as hard as it could be or as easy as it sounds to be. i got a smart person on my end. who has the brain capacity i cant carry. and someone who i love so much and loves me back ten times more. its complete bliss. unexplainable. unbeliveable but so freakin real and honest and supreme.
\
and this is it for them hard drugs. i mean if im moving it all about new persona dn new roots and new beginnings and new everything. and drugs will not be included. no matter how much i want them. it wont happen. this is time to get invloved. in real worldness and become human. like said. i mean a bit of b.c bud wont hurt in the least. but no e, k, coke, or anything of the like, maybe i could stop smoking too. everything done and out by that time. hence the 6 months. just do it. find some mushrooms to do.
i think e is done
pretty sure k is kicked
drinking is fun but so annoying.
just a few last partys. to make sure.
who wants to do coke *thumbs down*
but its all gonna be out. and over. and allll my ties will be fixed. hopefully i can look into my visa. pay some of it off all while saving hardcore. or trying too. means working nights over summer. blast it. im gettin 13 an hour. pullin 15,00 a cheque. times that by 2. and then by 12 minus ing 800 for monthly rent. = apporxx. 4,000 by the time october is up. plus about 800 to that and final cheques. on top. we might have a good 68,000 to work with by october comes along. but of course we always gotta mius out living expenses for the present. liek a cut of about 350 a month. alone to support a steady life but could go down. but yah./ if im correct. well have maybe 4,000 dollars in the bank and a chunk of my visa paid off. so i can go there clean slated?>>

oh so very exciting. im gonna go dream about it. now!

The Past changes. You/

for the last while i have learned to become quite dormant. dwelling on living at home . with very limited or no connection to the world. just by the bare minimum. i dont talk much anymore. i dont have many thoughts. so i smoke that out. thru my pipe and hash. of grass. like i dont care. i could. but,..

maybe i don't. i could be slightly happy with this. to lean on. always have cash. just enough to get by. take the transit. just far enough to work. work enough. just to get by. it has become a cycle. of sorts. returning always to the same spot. finding yourself at work. the same thing you did yesterday.l like your flipping over a gigantic burger in a night. instead of flipping over many burgers.
one job. , multiple tasks. everyday. forgetting what day it is. until when your gut knows it craves weekend!!. and soon enough a new paycheck floats in and bills are paid... ... SURPRISINGLY having Much more money than expected!! after the fact the business has been complete. i LLOOOOve it. Yet it is Repetitive work.


which SUCK SO MUCH I COULD BLOW DONKEY NUTS.

as a Scorp, i cant do that . repetitive. it drive me insane,.. if i had to screw bottle caps i would shoot my self aii,
but as to advantages and being a Scorp, i adapt easier to it. as well. it seems the same work. but i mix it up all the time, same stuff. different day. i got it. covered. silently . yet doing it all.
like i mind! it a JOB. its my Job i gotta keep it . not like ill lose it. but i gotta give it my all. do a good job every day or im not satisfied thus my bossladyno satisfied. .. lol but really she dont care. BUT SRSLY i Got Haunted with the Hardworking Ethic in my blood or somewheres. because all my jobs have been 110%. arrrrh *tackle* approaches and i admit i have a tendency to actually work my self to the bone. non stop. all the time. not for money but because it has to be a good job done well. i happen to do most things well beyond any managers approval. fast learning. i work with it. it works for me. its just hilarious to actually see and kno the facts of how im a ex drug addict. hard partier, drinker , smoker and toker!. LOL i cant get enough of those either. so its strange the places i hold up in life separately. but also puppet around to work. genius. ly

i Duno. maybe now my work life is all there is and there isnt that party animal raging no more. i wish it was. i really really wish times would go back again. and it would just be waiting for me like that time i went to the club and i as i walked in. everyone i seemed to kno was there. the beats were loud a nd fresh and everyone was saying my name. and a few people ran to get me a hugg. all night was an awesome night. dancing all away.; lost underground. seeking a light and a beat in the bass. .. .. .damn. i think that was the night of the Hotel. and i holed out with the best of my Crew. the day never seemed to end. it couldn't of. aha . . shame i kno. emotional yes. personal . very. to be so in touch. and to have my own community. and to have something to escape to. and to thrive off and to have fun. with and to lose my self in. was the great est ever. and i let it slip out of my hands and ...

always a party. always a reason. always knew someone somewhere . didnt care where i was. or where i went. always something. new people. new places. new beats. omg. shambahala would of been awesome for me right .then. i dont think i coud actually go now and have it affect me in the same way. *tears* everything was so new and fresh and exciting. everything was rolling. i could of taken off that summer. went to shamb. had a hay day. had everything i ever wanted. it would of changed my life.

i dont have it anymore. that fiery passion known as Jazz. Known as Crazy. Drastic. non Systematic. fresh free and funny. 100 % its weird. im so focused on work . like its been my rehab . and it really has. always there. always a good reason. for rent and life. without. learned to pack up and move on. tuned in so many times to watch it disappear and now i know its gone. to many new people feeling to insecure. to lost. in the crowd. feeling to small. to let go.

dont want to be dormant working all the time and never seeing things or meeting new people or even not liking people. *sigh* i cant believe how much things change when i changed my self. haven't snuffed in about 8 months or so i cant keep track. i dun remember . juss been smoking it indoors. being alone in the middle of the universe. and on the outside too. its so weird. what i got myself into. or where i could of been going. wish i could just read the future. both sides. see where i going now on this path. and and where i would of went on other paths. could kno the right way to turn and the funnest the best the greatest. i wouldn't ask for anything else. just to be able to get what want. like it would happen.
even now.

looking at other people i drifted away from . everyone going there separate ways. there own roots and paths branching out. barely coming back. and im stuck in the middle dont kno where to go or how to get there.; no idea how i got this way. wish i knew. wish i had reasoning. maybe i depressed and scared to move on because i cant be prepared. fear settles in and i live with it. guilt for letting down my guard.

oh well. its been good over here. too. that for a different blog. till then.

J