need distraction.

so i need to sign out fro that part of life right now. i think this might be a good itme to just go forward in other parts. i guess ive been distracted just as much as i can be a procrastinator. this is why i never get anywhere with this no getter attitude . i need a go getter attitude. some say im relaxed. can i be to relaxed? too laid back just enough to really not give a fuck. like i really feel like that. i wanna go there i wanna proceed in my life. into my hopes a dreams and whatever i say i wanna do. but its work and it starts with the littlest annoyingest things. math grade 10 and 11. cramtime. then i could make it into school. but then i gotta figure out who pays for that and how im gunna make that. sooo... ya i need to stop livng in the now right now and try and focus on some plannage and maybe a little more directions. i have the idea i just need the propeller. just fade away to black for a moment and try. it really hard because i dont think like that usually. but i guess i have to learn something and grow up some more. i am 21. i should be gettting a life already. eventually i can actually move out of dads house an into my on place. that would be a good thing. and then get my licence and a car and get all set up with a standard savings. and just put money away put money away put money away at what ever i end up doing. i gotta really get a job now. im on it already. i guess im gunna have to go out and apply like old fashioned. but where to go is ther question. see i cant think of whos hiring coz i sit at home and do nothing. well not nothing i try to attempt some things. daily it affectively gets done. im sucha a major prcrastinator. its like my worst trait. all my life. taking forever to get things done. school was bad for doing my homework and not handing it in or in late. really affected lots of my marks. but now i gotta go back to whatever and do math all over again from grade 9 up. i apparently took the not academic math course. or stupid math and not the logical ethical smart math like. umm i pretty sure that wath like math 10A-20A-30A and 10P-20P-30P was the really smart math. like crazy super smart, they got there own write in textbook that was big and red and huge and filled with problems. looked like hard shit. like ihate math already. theres a reason i didnt take it. i guess i thought i didnt need it but i cant even like multiply very well never mind divide. dont get me started. so now theres an online course for 480 some dollars. dad said he would cover me and i could pay him back. well great. i cant pay hime back if i have no job. oh ya i quit the wis job. well i didnt offically quit i stopped showing up. i should go return my shirt. with a vaild excuse for not showing up. maybe another job. hopefully. maybe. heh ya well . so i cant exactly feel right about asking for a school loan with out a steady job right now. so im working to find a job. the hellhole was going to look open. then it hit a brick wall. i seemed to have been pushed outside for a while not quite sure how long. so. .. i suppose i should not talk about that. anyways. ....ya well ....*^*work on finding a job. work on getting into school. drown myself in trying to do math. for a while just hermit myself for a while. maybe ill be okay with having  my phone cut of for a month just to give that extra cusshin. then if people need to talk to me they can come to see me.
perhaps it time for some space for myself as well. im alright mentally. im strong and steady right now. so just branch off for a while. make yourself noticable but dont say much dont do much dont stay for long. even when or if they tell you its alright. alright. thought we were not saying anything it dose not bother you so make sure it dosent bother you. geez. your acting like a fool really. your stonger than this. just breathe and relax. its nothing. anyways. back to life. you need money asap. your gunna run out of a bus pass. then what. you need to go hostile now. game faces on and ready to  tackle el targeeto. gung forth no glory no restrictions. get mean. get nasty. time to break through and rise up agian. break your ownself if needed just toget here. do whatever you need be. scars are the memories for ever you have some . got room for more. just relax. no big deal. you look like crap. bah look at this your talking to yourself via computer. what is that. then your gunna post it on el internet unknowingly who actually reads this crap. probably no one. so really it isnt a big deal after all. at least you can write  about feelings and emotions and stuff you never would say in the daylight face to face. to anyone  and feel comfortable doing it at the same time . coz really your just putting brain to publish. and not saying anything. so it works for you. why dont i talk much i often wonder. like i really have nothing to say. no comments. no notes. no great ideas. seriously. like for fuckin real. i try to make a conversation it goes nowhere. well i have a good personality. and i fun sense of humor. but really  in reality i need two other people to make it come out. .... no one really knows i have 2 voices upstairs sometimes. i need to just be a hermit. and realize i dont think im gonna go anywhere. well i might. but i dont kno. i gotta figure out how to be more socially comfortable. its gotten so bad recently. like its sucks. i hate groups of people i do not kno or feel comfortable with. just get all stiff and shit. i just sh.u.t up so fast. it sucks,, i dont say anyting. i get all nervous when i do need to say something. socail settings are harder and harder all the time. becasue more often than not im on my own. and sobe.r well if im on anything else its a diff story. depending on whatelse is out there. but anyways. theres nto much jobs out here. there not much jobs anywhere. see my problem. i tink in the end im the one getting fucked over. again and again and again and again. over and over and over. going nowhere. notime fast. no. what do i do.my life is on el loop. i got nothing. hmm. now what. now i think i need a plan to go off of. ill get back to you on what i get if i get anything. for you really are just my opendiary.

no title.

well that explains alot.
ya i can give you space.
all the space you need
 i'll revoke my assistance
and fade into black.
 forget i was ever here.
go on your merry life
 you can have it all
 ill revoke my hearts calling
 ill defend my own
i never said it would easy
 i never said it be fun
who knew i was havin fun
now shit just got real
and you need to break it off with me
so why dont you already.
better you break me then to break myself
 it would mean more. in the end
i would'nt understand either way.
ill have to walk for a long time
ill have to escape to a state of secrecy
to a state of silence.
so much you will start to miss me
by that time i would hope i ca move on.
i can move forward
 brush it off
 like it  never mattered to me
when it dose. becasue i loved her.
i told her last night.
 was it too much
 did she even get it
im at fault i should just fuck off already
my life is a complication to the maximun.
 like nothing is ever enough
 there's always gotta be something.
well i let you be.
 ill let you die
 i kill myself
before things get started.
 11 am im gone
never to be heard from again
 want me back.
 they always do
but for now ill stand in the corner
invisible and silent
im sorry im in the way.