I Dream to Be a Rockstar...

Have you ever seen a rockstar. have you ever met a rockstar,. have you followed you favorite rockstars on tour, int he music vodeos, in real life, out at the bars, rocking out at the show. where they went, what they did, how they lived it. i dream of that. i kinda like to think i would be them in a another life. millions of fans, hundreds of photos, rumors, lies, scandals, reputations, everything. selling out huge arenas all over the world with songs riffs, synths, bass, a sound of its own. touring everyhwere. getting to see anything, having that direct route to anything and everythign i wanted and needed. pefforming giving out my all on ewvery stage every nite. for every dying fan. i love being a fan of my favorite bands. being right there front row, crammed against the bars amongs thousnads of other screaming fans. in that monent. taking it all in. Living my life in the moment really lets me miss nothing. i want to be there. and being at that height. it would be awesome.

thoughts thoughts thoughts.. questions. thoughts. random. one here antihero one there. lost in translation under a strange state of uncontent. willing to go as far as i can. but on the other hand. never letting go of what i feel i am being pulled away from.

See, i have older friends. i have those Friends who are in there 21...to 27-ish. they have had a full life just from listening to there past trials and tribulations and learning about there great efforts and successes. everything. and now these friends a=of mine are ready to settle. get down to the nitty gritty and throw it all onto he table. and i am superbly grateful and glad they have found tru honest love. i don't believe your First and your Absolute Last. i know ti wont happen. not on my case. so here are my friends willing to settle down.move ina dn live a good life with a signifigant other or person they have full and complete happiness with. i feel that way too. right her rigght now


but one thing you have to understand is.... im so indeisive and random almost too spontateous for my own good and sometimes when i get a single thought in my head. it will unravel itself so hard over some time. till the botter bone is showed. im already on that way there now. i feel it. slowly melting. almost coming to terms weith it, never faking it, cuz i wouldnt. i telit straight up;.

on the other hand waay to get rid of you quicker. out of my mind, out of this life. possibly not. even if i was to get killed tommorrwo for some odd reason of which i wouldn kno. i am positive i would come back later on, famously m ade and born in to a classic rock star. you wouldnt have to feel for me.

ill do all the shit i want to. i be as messed up as i want and i wont a have any one to clue in i never had a mother. and i can do this on my own. only becasue i originaly raised myself. so stopp savin me off teh street and lemme go. no need thus to worry. for thats wasteful

now a days its no more drugs, no more dance, no more of that "lifestyle" sounds like my mother and why am i letting this control me. i loved who iw as back then. i dealth with everyhting coming my way. the diuffernt pills altering different parts. being as free as the wind and a bird and the sun all around me all the time pounding miles of pavement everyday, every direction. this time i will be more well off. living in my own place. party every time all the time. downing whatever i can just to get there roadtrips to diferent pllace, foutians of weed., this is what i dream of.

of being in state. not living this dreary summer working nites. graveyard shift lonely hearing the voices haunting me lateely. wispers from places, shawdows int he dark. silence in unwelcone unlessic an understand and accept. im not stressed. why would i be stressed. i just want out a lil bit this week. dont mind my moods. you said you wuld always love me for ever. I'll let you kno when Forever begins to End...

Alas here i am yet once again in a state of question with no answer. i often come abroad as cconfused ans i cant keep a straight thought in my mind. theres so much much for me to ponder i dont know if i can or not. so many roads to take so many people to talk to . i just dont know. topics such as love, as new beginnings, as rejectiona dn condemmnation, as hate and abstractness. returning to an old life whilst leaving the present behind. i want to understand i just dont want the internal questions bother ing me. with this itchy coughi wonder wil i get any sleep tonite?

i was pondering the thought of love. and i do love my girlfriend very very much and i do want to be with her for a long tme, but it seems the thought that she wants something more that i cant give her bothered me and i have no idea why it would. she loves me and i beleive her but i was with another person earlier this year who is still haunting me and i know i need to let go of. i know i cant go on healthlilywho i seem to not be anble to get over. and im not sure as to why. she tells me these things and i understand but i dont want to be apart of it. she leads people on and makes them beleive something thats entirely untrue. i dont agree with it, but she hits my soft spot. all i want in life is a pure love. not one with comebacks and slaps in the face and untrue suggestions. you know, i dont like being put down but it seems thats the way heather is. al i want is a true love i love heather for the way shes nice to me and the way she dose thigs for me and is here for me unlike other people, but i dont like the put downs i thinkim going totalk to her, but idont really pay attention to what she says but i know it hurts but me when its said and i dont say anything being me shrugs it off and forgets about it only to be slapped again on the other cheeck. i know somethngs are jokes between us but its something i think i have to monitor and pay close attention to. i also have to be so unobsessive but whenim insecure i cling to the thing thats closest to me. youve seen it all before i becaame insecure in high schoola nd i clung to Raina and in other places i clung to ther people. but i dont know why i feel so insecure (p.s i hate being sick) maybe becasue i fucked up yet another joba nd i cant stay focused. its hard for me i want to work and i want money but i only want certain jobs with certain people not people who give me headaches cuz i cant understand them. theres so much i want to do like get ready for school and to stay in school cuz i hate working part time jobs. i hate them, they gove me no form of satisfatction i just wnat to go back to school and get a real job thati actually like that i can actually look forward to and i can actually make aliving off of. i need to stop living the life im am right now i need to actually concenttrate on the tings i want most

1)
CAR
2) SCHOOLING
3) TRAVEL
4) PEace
5) dance
6) love
7) happiness

this is all i want and i need to get to it. i need to get out of this mind set thats holding me back and listen tothe beats drop low soberly and realize there isnt no stress and i can do it. i need to let go of the people holding me back i need to let go of the thoughts winding me down and i nee to focus on me and me only and the people who are able to help me.

i hate winter

i just makes me depressed cuz i spend all my time inside and when im outside im miserable cuz im cold and lonely. i want to be free and i want to live life the way i want to
i need to go bck to a faith and i need to stop letting myserlf be cut down i cannot allow it. i need to be head strong and get my self back on my feet. this is my life and wheneveri get in these little holes i need toget out. a lil weed here or there is fine but i have one month left to work then i want to be back inthat desk as of Febuary 2nd wehter its in St. Joes or in Centeral High ineed to be back and getting my mind back on board. i dont know wjhere its meltingto but its going nowjere. work or no work i need to stop being so lame

end of story

stop being so depressive