drifted. drifting. drafting. floating away. away from all things. burning bridges. running away. burrowing inside. lost. lost inside me. my own madness my own sacrifices. my own vices. burrowing to save myself. to hide. to escape. escapism tactics work , only sometimes. unknown where to go and where to turn. most likely un known how to mark my own step. really need to make my own thing but unsure what that even is anymore. don't know where to go and how to turn it over. just don't know. lost confused. blank. static noise. nothing . faintly alive, barely there. silent, not deadly., but dead inside.
you wouldn't know.. this society dosen't understand how to handle a sad, depressed, overly emotional person when there not used to it. there used to happy bubbly awesome likable jazz, not this sad fell into a deep hole one day/ and needs a hand getting out. maybe i need a hand. maybe i dont want to ask. and i dont want you to answer but deep inside everyone knows im lying. i would just rather burst into flames. and forget about it. sorry but that's a litle harsh. i know i haven't written in a while. and i don't. i recently bought two journals. i haven't written a mark. i just look at them. what am i suppose to say. how sad and depressed i am and how i long nothing and want to do nothing so i do nothing each day; everyday its nothing. just plain crap. ...it makes my hand hurt. i remember, i wrote everyday while in b.c and i made sure to write, even if it was just about me watching t.v. i need to write its. my outlet. even if i can't write prose right now. i can't just be silent; really. kind of self destructive. in a sense. like who gives a shit. i've thought of some pretty self destructive shit last few days so i kinda made a habit of trying to be stoned and blank and or sleeping so i dont act on the kinds of stuff i think about i wont say coz i dont want an intervention. so instead ill just not act on my decisions and be the strong on in my own battle of wits. but im frantic and im drowning in my own self unknown what to say to myself. how to dig myself up again. just keep beating me down. it seems easier than starting from nothing for the how many times now. kind of sad if you think about it. kinda like i have all these hopes and dreams but i can never make the right first steps. to really get up and out of this hole i so much find myselff in too much too often. without anything. over and over again. and again. how long till i figure the worldd out. and how it works so i can be the rich one the one who can afford something my own place my own way. wwithout relying on other people. other stuff other everything. what happened to my sense of responsibility and respect and my independence. its lost thru the cracks. cant seem to find anymore. fresh out. need to figure out a way to figure it out. everyone can lecture me and tell me there advice but really i dont know how to take it and how to take anything. my best friend yelled at me the other day; i kno, it was absolutely terrifying. i never want to see him again coz i knew i was in deep shit and i feel like crap and shit and all of the above and i just feel crappy and i know there pissed off at me and im pissed off at me coz there pissed off at me and i cant handle it now we . i and burning my bridges everywhere its horrible. i want to help it but i cant... we aint talking for god knows how long. just boom coz i chose to be and gry and melt in it and then it went overboard and i kno that. it shouldn't of went overboard that much just been a simmer. but i am overly emotional and i can't figure out. feeling destroyed. hits to my ego and emotions all over the place. things just hurt. i want to be alone so i dont have to feel the hurt of being scolded and yelled at or even talked to anymore. just crave silence but silence isn't silence anymore. just need to focus on something. anything . unknowing. dont know. feels numb. feels unreal. just need to find grip in an weightless world. blurrrr
