........... leave me alone. again.

six o clock on the dot. dont know where to go. what to do again. as always , nothing changing around here. reall.y well theres so much. decisions and roads . paths and places. ditch one life compleatly and entirely to chase after a compleately brand new life. unlike any has ever known. just fall off one path and into a compleately different. one. perhaps i wont get to shamb this year. i could be in school for all anyone knows. one last attempt to actually make something. anything really of myself. ya so im desperate to make something of myself. and im really ready to try anything. edmonton just dosent seem to pulling that off for me. it was good for the drug scene and the party animal and the crazy shit. but really when you think abou t it never really held a real job i hate working as it is so i much rather just go and grow up already. coz im bored of the party. i've been hrowing up at expedential speed all my life. well why wouldn't i want to continue on. i said i grew up fast as a kid and again as a teenager now im an adult and the chance to do that is here once again. i want to i need to i have to follow it. its the way of mylife. growing at 10X rate. i got told the other day i was thought to be about 27. thats older than cassie one of my bffs. well thats compleately true. i feel a whole lot older than i really am i aim stuck again hating that im 21. i wish i was older all the time i always have i always wished i was older than i really am becasue i dont realte to those some call peers. i felt 21 when i was honestly like 17 or 18. or younger. like really i feel honest to god i feel like i should be like 25 or 26 at least. perhaps acording to life advantages and disadvantages and bumps and grinds and experiences and excursions. but anywyas. point is im ready to move on i thik. to carry on something solid and foundational. something real and honest ad pure. maybe this is it. the one where i dont need anyone else. i heard it happen to people before. but i also hear a lot of shit about love and i dont know what to expect really but i think i got my self in an amazing thing right here. maybe ill be all old school and like find my mate when im 21 for ever..... you knever really know. like hti s girl is a little of everything i always liked about girls and women in genral. its amazing what i feel inside and for er . sometimes i think its compleatley unreal. and i compleately underestimated myself and surely dont deserve this. like i dont want to say to much but im really happy and i got alot going for me and i think i might just want to disappear for a while to to start a new from ground up i always said from ground up i have to start. and theres always steps to that and in a relationship you have to compromise and get long and all that. and its easy and good and i like it. oits a challenge. i heard it once called like a vedo game. i am very sure im on a good thing and allthat. so baby steps as they say and and one step at a time they also say that. one foot in fron of the other. it will be okay and alright. maybe its a good thing to just vanish for a while. not like anyone would notice. but wheni return ill be beter. thats my goal to get better in all ways. and mostly to gain insight. and be awesome. but 10X!!!

i want to scream then i want a hug

drifted. drifting. drafting. floating away. away from all things. burning bridges. running away. burrowing inside. lost. lost inside me. my own madness my own sacrifices. my own vices. burrowing to save myself. to hide. to escape. escapism tactics work , only sometimes. unknown where to go and where to turn. most likely un known how to mark my own step. really need to make my own thing but unsure what that even is anymore. don't know where to go and how to turn it over. just don't know. lost confused. blank. static noise. nothing . faintly alive, barely there. silent, not deadly., but dead inside.
you wouldn't know.. this society dosen't understand how to handle a sad, depressed, overly emotional person when there not used to it. there used to happy bubbly awesome likable jazz, not this sad fell into a deep hole one day/ and needs a hand getting out. maybe i need a hand. maybe i dont want to ask. and i dont want  you to answer but deep inside everyone knows im lying. i would just  rather burst into flames. and forget about it. sorry but that's a litle harsh. i know i haven't written in a while. and i don't. i recently bought two journals. i haven't written a mark. i just look at them. what am i suppose to say. how sad and depressed i am and how i long nothing and want to do nothing so i do nothing each day; everyday its nothing. just plain crap. ...it makes my hand hurt. i remember, i wrote everyday while in b.c and i made sure to write, even if it was just about me watching t.v. i need to write its. my outlet. even if i can't write prose right now. i can't just be silent; really. kind of self destructive. in a sense. like who gives a shit. i've thought of some pretty self destructive shit last few days so i kinda made a habit of trying to be stoned and blank and or sleeping so i dont act on the kinds of stuff i think about i wont say coz i dont want an intervention. so instead ill just not act on my decisions and be the strong on in my own battle of wits. but im frantic and im drowning in my own self unknown what to say to myself.  how to dig myself up again. just keep beating me down. it seems easier than starting from nothing for the how many times now. kind of sad if you think about it. kinda like i have all  these hopes and dreams but i can never make the right first steps. to really get up and out of this hole i so much find myselff in too much too often. without anything. over and over again. and again. how long till i figure the worldd out. and how it works so i can be the rich one the one who can afford something my own place my own way. wwithout relying on other people. other stuff other everything. what happened to my sense of responsibility and respect and my independence. its lost thru the cracks. cant seem to find anymore. fresh out. need to figure out a way to figure it out. everyone can lecture me and tell me there advice but really i dont know how to take it and how to take anything. my best friend yelled at me the other day; i kno, it was absolutely terrifying. i never want to see him again coz i knew i was in deep shit and i feel like crap and shit and all of the above and i just feel crappy and i know there pissed off at me and im pissed off at me coz there pissed off at me and i cant handle it now we . i and burning my bridges everywhere its horrible. i want to help it but i cant...   we aint talking for god knows how long. just boom coz i chose to be and gry and melt in it and then it went overboard and i kno that. it shouldn't of went overboard that much just been a simmer. but i am overly emotional and i can't figure out. feeling destroyed. hits to my ego and emotions all over the place. things just hurt. i want to be alone so i dont have to feel the hurt of being scolded and yelled at or even talked to anymore. just crave silence but silence isn't silence anymore. just need to focus on something. anything . unknowing. dont know. feels numb. feels unreal. just need to find grip in an weightless world. blurrrr