im so close out to getting to my dream of living in b.c
im so close to just stepping in there
 just falling forwards. like i were jumping out of a plane
i have a small parachute and hope i live.
ill spread my wings and be me

illt ake the world over and ill end up famous
 witht he hottest girl and the best girl
my wife will be hot shit. my wife will be fun
my wife will haev dark hair. deep eyes and slender legs.
 she will fit in my arms and know just how to turn me on.
she will be ready whenever i want it and take me when ever she needs it
my girl will be smart and supetrnatural
my girl will be on ym arm like candy she wont wanna leaave.
my girl will fit in my arms on all occasions.
my girl will kno what i want when i want it.
my girl will know me and know i want my girl looking hot.
shes tease me please me and more.
kiss me in all the right places and urge me in every way else
my wife will love me for everything i am and nothing less
ill marry at sunset on a hott summer night and she will be angelic and ill be her man.

thought it was over.

she bit my neck last night. not hard enough. but i felt it. stuck in my mind all night. dont know how to take it i was teasing her too. i deserved it. but she did it all slow. and let me kiss her after. omg.bit my lip headspace all fuzz. fuck. thought it was like clsing. but no she will prolly always have a crush on me. i dont get why she maes me feel all weird inside. like. no. maybe im addicted to that,. miss it. too possibly. i got to ask my friends for hugs now. dont got the unlimited thing no more. wont get many more after i leave this city. dont really know many people. but its a town and thereas that 4.20 dude. whos chillaxan. :] ill miss her.  really try and be in the middle of every moment ig et . might not get it for a while. i wont be looking fo rno girlfriend anytime soon. just for my own sake and well being. need to find that independance that once made me who i am.  need to trip stumble and fal a few times before i can really get back up and go at it. im almost ther.e pretty strong enough. getting better each day. had a bad streak for a while. got depressive. lost. unfocused. then it all settle din nicely. gently. everything will be easy and simple 420 rent due 12.10 2010 lol. easy . nothing to it. everything is perfect. just keep smiling.

>.

where to start. where to go. standing alone. too jump. do it. do it now. dont look back. maybe you dont give a damn anyway. you dont know. not right now. are you scared? yes. are you nervous. yes. it snuck up on me. i planned this and now im going with it. instinct? perhaps. do you really know? no. i dont really give a damn.  ima do it however best i maybe could do it. i need to man up. face up. get there. be done. be one. be me>? dont fret about money. can you/? im not sure.dont give it up.  just raise it up. you can do it, just relax. maybe?                      
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

elevator music here.

just face it. your going out on a wild limb and your agoing to see if you can survive. you know you can. its like instinct.  instinct. instinct. with a flow? is there such thing. something to hold on to int eh night.

 maybe just a vacation is in order. something to rest upon. no work. just hng out. do your thing. relax.
your fried. nerves gone.s tuck to an endless cylse like a zombie. cant beleive your doing it night after night. hanging in there. dont know whats going on.  / /  / do we?

600
400
200
400?/
-------
-1600///

08.26.10 +2000

10.15.10 =1023

somehow only have 2637. 11.10.10

depending on some hard cash right about now. ?

 

B00M punch in the face

just booked my plane ticket.  this week has been a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts flying by. and reality standing me down. time to make this move. to place this jump. one foot in front of the other. easy now. just take it easy. gentle. nothing frantic. dont get worked up. remember the last two times i tried. kinda. didnt really have a plan then. kind of got a plan now. but im not really telling anyone i dont know if i know if i have an idea of what i am actually doing. so. i know i do. i just got to face it. im like hoovering. but everday closer im like turning more towards facing it. next thing i know im prolly going to find myself travelling down the QE2 face to face. with it. eye to eye. palmsa re sweaty. head feels stuffy. with thinking ness. cant really do it straight. i really need to sleep i had a 12 hour day at work . it was great. it really wasnt. but i tried.

why dose it have to be this way

what is the difference
 between night and day
is it really time or is it a mind thing
im dead tired and its late for me
its more like daylight for the living

i stumble across the life platform
 wandering aimlessly
 floating almost silently
clear of my road ahead but the
 rain smashes down so hard
im gonna get wet if i go outside

so far so good.
 just hanging by a moment
searching for peices of my self
to construct a whole new ability
 time to rise up and conquer
 regain my own self
welcome back to me.

money sucks

when i was 18 i thought i had it all
i thought i could get it all
i knew i wanted it all
careless, mindless young.

i knew the basics
rent bills and budget
did i know how to do that?
i had an idea

i was on my own
that was my own choice.
i went on my way
not a care in the world.

got a place. ..halfway
paid the rent
......best i could
barely got through that.

lost all my shit.
lost my job and my sensibility
nearly lost my mind.
but i was strong through it

i kept the mind set -i had it.
i went with the flow~
but i forgot one big thing
"to pay the rent"

the bills
kept pilling up.
couldn't make enough money
could find the right job

jumped all around the place.
couldn't find the money
i was just getting the basics.
hardly could get food

had to get an advance.
had a good grip on that.
for a while
til i lost my job

i lost my job and then i lost my connections.
phone. t.v finally Internet
and ultimately all my personal
belongings in the apartment i had to run from.

i lost everything.
my whole world fell through on me
i lost grip and step.
what now? cant pay anything

couldn't even find a safe place to stay at night
how did i get through it?
what happened to me?
just saved by a hair;

now i wanna go try it all again?
can i do that really?
I'm really not having much faith in my self right now
...i feel pretty unstable right now.

--------------------------------------

i got a call this morning and they found me
they want there money by Friday
but they want to make a compromise
they are willing to let me go

so i need to pay them
i need to hand over the money
and call it done
and i need to find everything else i owe.

the world is telling me something
along the lines of i need to close my accounts
pay my debts perhaps
before i actually leave for good

somethings telling me
i really should stop running away.
its not doing any good
i have proof now they will find me.

got this feeling i need to do this right
i need ore time
i need to not rush and really just focus.
on my own personal self worth wealth and security.

move on

the month is over.
the seasons are changing.
i feel a desparte pull and battle
inside my soul
there scraping and scratching.
no idea wahere to go or how to get there

feel so right . here with you in my arms
i never want to forget this feeling
never want to lose this moment.
i got to detach soon.
i cant go much further.
i never thought any more of where we are right now.

i only wanted a kiss and i got plenty.
now im scared you awnt more from me
and i cant do it. i just freeze. i stall. break down
shes so soft. tender. perfeect in a way no one can suspect.
just fits into my arms like she belonged therer the whole time
i cant be like this
i cant be all mush.
i need to be strong and just let it be to apint. and mayeb she will appreciate what she got
and surrender the friendship over a relationship.

that is waht matters most.
to me