Where I stand-Originally Posted Jan 31/08

Where i Stand-Jan 31/07 January 31/08

Where i stand today. Fearful yet fearless. Open yet not as honestand accepting as i can be. Yes i are scared. Right now i stand in the middle of myself. Constant battle. Constant war. Where am i going? What abput tommorrow? Dont worry. It'll be handled with your Pride and your agility. You can get by. You are srtong, perservent, Words bounce off you like water. You have it together. We can get by. But that is just an image. An image of the unknown. But honestly, you dont know. But right now i feel as though i can smile. I can laugh out loud so hard that in time i will begin to cry.But hose tears. Are what you need, what you long for. Yo have held on so tightly and so strongly until now. Don't let go cause you have an amazing life ahead of you. It dosen't matter what other people think. What you think. Do what you want for Yourself. You matter most. You have figured out a year ago that the world id a stage and you are the main actor. But is this life really an act? Do you have to constantly put on a mask? Why can't you be honest, true and amazing at the same time. You are strong on the surface, but not all the way through. Can you handle that? It's the truth. Face it. Face the truth. Come clean for yourself. It is a big step, but half the world knows already and don't care...haha. Live your life. Live it out. Fall in love, fal harder than ever, Dont be scared, Whats the honest use of being scared? There is no point. It dose nothing for you, but bring you down. You just freak yourself out and syke yourself. Not worth it at all. If you can accept you then im sure the rest of thw orld can, cause its all in the mind! You grew up to be who you are.

Life is more than mistakes to be dealt. Ponder them, learn from them and move on.Don't keep laying your your guilt on to other people. You cannot do that anymore. You are beyond that. You have changed. You, yourself and others around you. Thats how you wanted to go is it not? Knowing you have changed peoples lives. Already you have done some huge work. Yes some of it was mistaken. Like Wayne and Auni's, But you have changed Alisons. She said that to you. Heck, your own mother Karen has said it to you. Yeah it may not feel like it, but sub-conciously you know it. You dont keep track of your sub-concious. Probably why you can rememeber the stuff you have. It may not feel you have the right stuff to do the job you feel you have to do, but keep in ,ind you do. You are girded. You are READY. Remember that conversation? Quote unquote. “ I have never felt so happy, so content, so ready...” so dont get bummed out. It's all in yor mind. You can conquer and achieve. Ok so life is rather stressful at times. Ok moreso right now. Life is like a shaken bottle of pop. But stand strong. Stand your ground. And hey. Keep some for yourself. Dont go and give it all away. Cause some people dont need that . Not all people are like Alia. Some are like Rae. They keep it inside. You need to change. This issue. Its about you.And YOUR ethics and morals do not change for someone else and the beliefs. You cannot depend on what others do or say. You are not a clone or a dependant. So stop doing it. Seperate yourself. Slowly. Nicole said it. You realized it. You cannot change who you are, and dont back down to what others say. Many more fish in the sea. Just because one group alienates, isolates you. Theres others that can accept. But she promised and you asked her to promise. One persons opinion is different than others. So stop worrying and live life to the fullest potential. You havent look someone in the eyes and told them how you feel, you havent scubaed, you havent sky-dived, you havent driven the Autoban, you havent traveled the world, you havent married your true love, you havent screamed so loud that the word fades away. But you have dreamed, you have gone a little crazy, you have remembered, you have had a child!, you have fond true love, you have smiled in the darkeness, you have learned to trust, you have felt content and have been truthfully painfully honest. And you have felt the deepest painful cut you could ever receive either from yourself or another person. What do you think makes you the way you are? Its your head ans mind, your thoughts and dreams. Do what you can when you can. Mean what you say, change a life, write a book, write it out, Dance it out, Get that degree, prove yourself, shock people, Step out on a limb and be spontaneous! Your lip ring was a good start.

YOU ARE YOU WILL and most importantly...YOU CAN!!

Its doesn't matter what other people think. No one controls your mind and the way you thoughts go but the conscious YOU. You love to smile, put it behind you and forget about it. And you can do it to your hearts content. As long as it doesn't bring you down to a slump for days on Weeks, keep it behind you and keep on trucking. Life is good. Live for the NOW. There's so much to live for. Family. Friends. So many people to meet. Jobs to do. Things to buy. OK so money's a little tighter than expected. But honestly. If you have no money now, but you have food to eat, and a roof over year head, and a warm bed to sleep in and warm clothes to dress in, and you connection with the world, then FCUK it. It'll come. The world is worth exploring, worth learning. Commitments...Meh. You want them and long for them, but you dont need them. You are an independent person, with views and opinions, and arguments, and statements, and testimoneys, and morals, and respect, and greatness, and LOVE. If someone cannot accept that. Then its time to let them go. Love the world. Just as i have loved you. Freely you have received so freely give...

Do you ever feel—scared?

“yes”
Do you ever feel---insecure?

“all the time..well not all the time but i used to”

Yeah, i definitely are. I honestly do not like changing routine or falling out of sequence. I like the security of knowing that yes. This is what is supposed to happen and if something were to happen, then ok, you can handle that. But if your whole routine is thrown off...then what? For example...Didn't go to church, but stayed in Bed until 2:30pm. Ok so who wouldn't? It was -36 with an additional windchill. And you could see the cold without looking at a temperature or anything. But i was looking forward to church as i did every week. And Thursdays are a big thing for me. Not only because i get to see my Best Friend...and have Short deep talks, but i get to see other people who can support me on my quest with God. And i get to pray with other people which is really good for me,and i get to worship with other people and feel free! No one understands the impact it has. It has become so routine that i am constantly prepping myself for that final day, which was tonight. Just knowing that another routine is ahead, but its that change i are scared of. I hate losing something. Take for example my phone. That threw me off the edge and it was my fault. I are honestly a very routine directed person. I struggled getting into routine when i moved back,and i guess i will struggle now. It's just, i have something on my mind that i need to get out. I feel i need to be honest, and the fact that this piece of information mixed with certain unknown views, scares me, into thinking that i will lose something valuable, some thing vital.its like piercing into a blood vessel. Tap, scratch, punch, ect, the Wong way and there goes your blood, your oxygen level. And you slowly cast off. But again that being dependant, and you cannot do that. You have to save that, and heck, you have been dealing with it how long? 16-17 years now? Most people didn't notice until you hinted or exclaimed. Mistake of course, but it was all good. They are still there! But I'm scared i will lose this along with the routine i have fallen into so nicely, i have fitted and moulded.

Commitments as well are frightening me. Money matters, where my next money will go. As of February 4th you may have to hide for a bit not to get arrested,as you haven't saved a bit for the tickets you got...its just. Real life is hard. Its a challenge. When you have been cushioned all your life and everything was provided and you didn't have to worry. It was said...” Do i have to lose everything and have nothing before i can fully depend on God? I have almost reached the state of nothing. I have no money, no vehicle, hardly no food at times, no social activity, no love, no faith at times. Its hard and sticky. You can do nothing but drown. Hahaha. But who wants to do that when there is so much to live for. so much to go forward to, so much to conquer and divide. I don't want to follow a Norm, i don't want to follow the right way..it may not be the best way for the society but I'll work with it...