How much dose it take for a dream to turn from Fear to Excitment? How long do we have to fight against ourselves and those risks we leave untaken. The world sipns day after day and week after week, and we hold ourselves back from the real world, hiding away from the feats and the simple truths in our society. What we make of this world, to the difficultly of differnt situations, we have a tendency...
I have a tendancy. I have a tendancy to think and a the worse, think hard and long and grab an idea and run with it. Many of my greatest risks, have been well thought out, to a point moreso. But when one idea runs out, i go back to the drawing board and figuralize another great attempt to make it in this world. Many thought up plans were done that way, that never ended going anywhere in the end. Many i deas were thought up then scratched, then sometime later i almost regret not going with it.
These i deas then have a funny way of forming into Goals. That i pursue, in great desparte attempts, only becasue i leave it for so long until its about to explode. Ghen panic comes in and overtakes everything, and since i ama performer overall, so i can act cool clam and collected. Casue its all on the apperance these days isn't it? Aren't all we obsessed wirth nowadays are the outward appearnce of ourselves. How we dressis equivalent to the way our houses look. Oh yeah, go tthat remark froma homeless person themselves. Took a look at my jeans, there was a rip in them that spread an said, “Gosh!, i hope your place dosent look like your pants...” I loooked at her and havent lighted my smoke at that point, stared her straight in the facer and said, :Now what the Hell dose that mean?” She backed away again, slightly and said “well there a mess, i hope your house isnt a mess...” I glared her straight in the face and shook my head, casue i had nothing at that point to say, but i was more than willing to puch her in the face. I walked away, leaving it behind me, somehwat, until know, when i sit im my clean apartment, and look around and check the date on the expiry label. Says here i should be getting an eviction notice sometime soon. But honestly i dont hink it all about outsode apperance. Its whats inside that matters...the outside is just a shell..I love to have fun with my friends, but i am naturally a very quiet person, and i may look really tough and concrete but those are my walls talking. What you see on the outside is only a image of the vastness unknown. The Sea of darkness dwelling inside the shell. But its not all darkeness...it has wit and humor and a passion and compassion and care and love...and everything...i could ever ask for and it all came form differnt people who have impacted me, so i want to impact others in the same way....
Being jobless for more than a month, isnt the greastest vacation ever, casue when your unemployed, you dont get paid very much. You dont get paid to hand out resumes, you dont get paid to spned hours, walking around and looking for help wanted. You dont get very much when you have no job. It's not like i wasn't trying. Hell oi was out there in the thick of the jobsearch with multiples of resumes and cover letters and such. I passed to them to anyone who looked like they were hiring. And in that entire month i passed out about 125 resumes to various areas through out theCity of Edmonton. But out of everything i only get ONE interview at WEM in the large theater...3 days after my Rent was due thsat i could afford because i had no freaking job. They phone me July 3rd, after i had already been through my thinking and my goal preparing. I was like, sure...i really donthtink there is actually any point whatsoever in going to it. I have no home. I am staying here illegally, as of last tuesday and i need to figure out where to go.
So i have a certian someone who may be able to pick me up and take me away to B.C later this month. With the money i earn at “Work” at the Capital EX this year i can probably get somewhere over there, as a start. I need a change. I cant handle it here anymore. Everyone's all the same and everybody is all like boring and neutral. And since i have nothing holding me here anymore, i feel i should just head out and go see the world. Theres a whole life aheadof me and i know what i want to do with it. I just have to learn and explore and observe. Three things i am great at. So wether it be by foot or by trucker or any other form of transprotation i want to make it to the East coast by Next Summer. Its all about dreaming BIG and making your Goals HUGE and pushing yourself, and keeping things in persective.and looking at the bigger picture.i have never been more scared and more passionate at the same time...
There is absolutely nothing holding me here....i have 75Cents to my name at this monent, no job no house anymore. This city and tis province are so boring. My view of the open road make things so much closer...this world is huge..and im going to take it all on....one and for all....
There is a world out there. There is a world out there to be explored. I look at the world very much as i would look at my mind. Very deep, confusing, strange, complex, i little warped. And there are people out there that need to be impacted. I feel as though it is time that i go out not only to redefine my outlook and aspect of the world, to find myself in who i truly can be no matter how much it can get crazy.
I mean i have always lived on the edge of life, i have always pushed myself to the end of any situation and this will only be another projuect. Im always on the loook out for differnt persepctives. I am always open to talk to, to let you dig deeper. As solid as i look im actually quite the softie. I can open up easily and wont back down. All it takes is the first move. Willit be you or me
the open road, the new scents of air, the tastes of it all...I understand its going to be a rough start but being me and basically fighting for myself since the mere age of eight i believe i have a good head on my shoulders, a good support system and good observation skills. I have the Wit, the Humor the personality, the charisma to get into people and explore. I love society. I love to observe, i love to think i love to learn to educate. I apprecitate my world, this society i live in, the way things work and im willing to learn.
Many lives i have impacted and theresmany more out there. Its a quest. To the unknown, where i can find the meaning of it on my way, where i can change and alter. This is my freedom, this is my life. This is my risk and im going to do it. I fought my way into this world and im going to fight my way back out trying to toucha s many people as a i can on the way wether it be large or small.
I will have a future, i will have the name, and the knowlegde to work it. And im going in full throttle.
A huge thank you to all of those people who have touched me, who have raised me, who have taught me, who have impacted me, who have loved me to unbelieveable depths, who have worried who have cared, who have dug deeper and to thos e of which i could do the same.
Thank you to my parents. Including various Friends parents who have taken me in, The only person in this world i can trust to call my own mother Karen for teaching me so much and for disciplining me and for loving me and never giving up. To my Adoptive mother who gave me the first love no matter how small it was. It impacted me. I will never for get the few good times we've had. TO my birth mother who gave me life...or i ouwldnt be able to fulfill this destiny
To my Fathers. Those who have been a father ffigure in my life. To my Dad Glenn, who has taught me, lectured me, accepted me, sat around with me, taught me to drive, taken my side, and loved me. To my Adoptive Father who has been with me my whole life the only one i know as my Father. Whos supported me, whos cared for me, whos watched ffrom a distance, gave me as much of a childhood as he could of with his own two hands...you rhard work goes a long way. To my birth father, who donated to this life....a part of you is with me even if i will never meet you.
To my Siblings all over, who have gotten in trouble with me, had fun with me, dealt with me, cried with me, comfrted me, helped me and loved me. Especially to my Litttle Sister Summer Rose as young as you are have impacted me greatky with your innocence, your curiosity, your meaningful words and touching pictures drawing and any amount spent with you day in and day out...watching you grow. The amazing gift of life you fulfill with your spirit keep me going. I love you
to my extended family, who has watched me grow up all these years and helped me out along the way with praise and critisism. Gifts and anything that has touched me.
TO my Lovers and my Exs for allowing me to find a part of me, to digging deeper into myself, for loving me mostly. And caring and support and quality time...I Love You all
and to my Friends. Each and every one of you has searched me, known me, let me talk, let me cry, let me rejoice, let me survive, let me learn, and loved me. You mean the world to me. I wouldnt want anything elese than all of you in my life to help me, support me, call me, take me out to dinner, and anything else that was small and insignifigant to those that was huge and forced me to swallow my pride at once. Who made me break, who broke down my walls who unmasked me for who i am all thru my upbringing. I cant begin to name you all. My Class mates all 12 years, my Church friends, my Blaze Friends, my Dancing friends, my random friends, my Nexopia friends..all of you have helped me grow wether greatly or just little. I appreciate you in all you are.
To my Best Friends who have held me thru the bight, who have slapped me in the face, who sat there as i flodded on your shoulder, who have spent the quality time one on one that measn the most to me. Those to who i have told my deepest secrets, my worst qualities, my greatest fears, my deepest lyrics, my everything. I owe it al to you for dupporting me all this time. For Never giving up, for bnever turning you r back, for never forgetting....and for making those memories that are burned to my own memory you are not forgotten====
Raina T, Nona L, Anthony C, Anthony M, Kim K. Ashley O. Cassie B, Petra M, Alison B, Shelby S, Lindsay W...and anyone else i have called a Bestie....
thanks to all and i love you all and you are never forgotten but greatly missed
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