Just a Thought and none of mine own

Bonding principle


Principles > Bonding principle

Principle | How it works | So what?



Principle
I will do what my friends ask of me.

How it works
As social animals, we build friendships with other people. And a part of friendship is helping one another without having to negotiate an exchange at every turn, partly because we know that over time, the exchange and social capital will balance itself out.

Bonding also happens with parents and siblings - 'Blood is thicker than water' is a common saying. It can also happen with family substitutes including employers and other organizations and institutions that we join.

Emotional bonding
One of the effects of becoming friends is a very human process of bonding, whereby we feel an emotional connection with the other person, such that our identities are connected together.

In such a situation, with connected identities, if I do something for myself, I am also doing it for the other person, and vice versa.

Variable bonds
Emotional bonds vary. We have family, we have close friends and we have general acquaintances, and the degree to which we will help them varies accordingly.

Primitive bonding
In psychoanalytic theory is the principle of the neonatal phase in which an infant is literally 'at one' with the world and before their separate identity is formed through the mirror phase. Life thereafter is a dilemma of wanting both a separate identity and also returning to that early one-ness. Bonding with others helps create some sense of this as we introject their good objects.

Seeking one-ness is also found in many religions, whether it is connecting with God or achieving Nirvana or enlightenment.

So what?
Make friends with the other person. Build emotional bonds. Find things in common. Thus when you ask them to do something for you, they will feel as if they are doing it for themselves.



Trust principle


Principles > Trust principle

Principle | How it works | So what?



Principle
If I trust you, I will accept what you say as true and expose my vulnerabilities to you.

How it works
Trust is the basic unit of social glue that enables us interact without fear.

No harm
I will trust and work with people who do not harm me. You can be passive or active in your approach to harm.

Passive no-harm is when you do not actively or deliberately act to harm me. However, you might still stand by and let others harm me, so active no-harm is where you act positively to protect me from harm. Of course, I will trust a active protector even more than a passive 'no harm' friend.

Reliability
If you always do what you say you are going to do, it makes your behavior very predictable, which means I can feel even safer around you. It also means that if I ask you do something I do not need to keep checking up on you.

Truth
I do not know everything and may lean on your expertise. If you always tell me the truth then I know that I can rely on what you say and not have to do any further checking up.

Truth and reliability also extend to the whole notion of 'integrity', where a person is true to their values and follows common social norms.

So what?
Build trust by:

Doing no harm and actively seek to protect people, demonstrating that you care about them personally.
Managing expectations and always keeping your promises.
Always telling the truth and actively maintaining your reputation for integrity.


Open body language


Techniques > Use of body language > Open body language

Language of openness | Reasons for opening | See also



A significant cluster of body movements are all about being open. This is sometimes misinterpreted solely as indicating being relaxed and untense.

Remember that perhaps the most significant part of being open or close is the act of opening or closing. When you open or close, you are signaling a change in the way you are thinking or feeling, which is likely to be in response to what the other person has said or done.

Language of openness
The open stance has arms and legs not crossed in any way. They may also be moving in various ways.

Arms open
Arms are not crossed and may be animated and moving in synchronization with what is being said or held wide.

Palms are also relaxed and may be quite expressive, for example appearing to hold things and form more detailed shapes. Open hands show that nothing is being concealed.

Legs open
Open legs are not crossed. Often they are parallel. They may even be stretched apart.

The feet are of interest in open legs and may point forward or to the side or at something or someone of interest.

Looking around and at the other person
The head may be directed solely towards the other person or may be looking around. Eye contact is likely to be relaxed and prolonged.

Relaxed clothing
Clothing is likely to hang loosely and actions to loosen clothing may take place, such as removing a jacket and unbuttoning a collar.

Reasons for opening
There can be several reasons for open body language. In particular look for the transition when the body opens and the triggers that may have caused this change.

Accepting
When arms rounded and palms are sideways, the person may be offering a 'mock hug', showing that they care for the other person. Gestures may be slower and symbolize gentleness.

Passive threat
An open posture may also be associated with a passive threat. When the person casually 'exposes themself', for example by opening their body and looking away they are opening themselves for attack. When this is relaxed, it may be saying 'I am so powerful and you are so weak, you are unable to attack me even when I am exposed.'

Males with knees apart are also doing a crotch display, which, as well as casually exposing vulnerabilities is effectively says to other males 'Look: I have a large penis than you!'

Aggression
When there is tension in the open body, especially if fists are clenched, then this may be a sign of significant aggression. The person is effectively holding their body open in readiness for a fight.

Aggression is also seen when the body is square on to the other person and is relatively close to them. Movements may be particularly sudden and designed to test the other person's reactions.

Supplicating
When palms are held upwards, this may form a pleading gesture and may be combined with lowering of the body. This is saying 'Please don't hurt me'.

Opening the body in supplication is also saying 'Here, you can hurt me if you wish' and is equivalent to a dog who rolls over on its back and exposes itself to indicate that it is not a threat.

Relaxing
And finally, the open body may simply be the body at rest, relaxed and comfortable.