fallen leaves fallen again
dead and denied
 as the summer sifts through tainted fingers
as one such knew such freedom

one goes into mind and mind set
just to discover the hidden world
of what can know
who can possible know

nobody has been to heaven and back
to tell the stories of what happens
in real life heaven
or even to tell if there is such a place

i'm looking for peace
 in my trails of travels
i finish last
all the time this life

whats in this life
 i don't understand
 i fail to grasp
 the rope that holds me here

 it dosen't make much sense to me
 these days
 i just wander
 around and around

searching for
 some one to claim myself
for me
 as i am
 no mater waht

sittin in the dark waitin for the love to come home. havent written in a while and i don't know why really. ive been alive been doing my own thing. cant seem to stay alone very long. its not he thing for me. so thats why i am located in saskaton of all places now. im with this woman. shes no girl. shes really hot amazing and sweet. she dose everything for me. she loves me. thats whats counts. she drove me to edmonton this past weekend to say goodbye to the people who i thought were friends once upon a time. well guess not anymore. so fuck them and fuck the rest of the world. i cant be reminded of the past. coz it hurts too much.

........... leave me alone. again.

six o clock on the dot. dont know where to go. what to do again. as always , nothing changing around here. reall.y well theres so much. decisions and roads . paths and places. ditch one life compleatly and entirely to chase after a compleately brand new life. unlike any has ever known. just fall off one path and into a compleately different. one. perhaps i wont get to shamb this year. i could be in school for all anyone knows. one last attempt to actually make something. anything really of myself. ya so im desperate to make something of myself. and im really ready to try anything. edmonton just dosent seem to pulling that off for me. it was good for the drug scene and the party animal and the crazy shit. but really when you think abou t it never really held a real job i hate working as it is so i much rather just go and grow up already. coz im bored of the party. i've been hrowing up at expedential speed all my life. well why wouldn't i want to continue on. i said i grew up fast as a kid and again as a teenager now im an adult and the chance to do that is here once again. i want to i need to i have to follow it. its the way of mylife. growing at 10X rate. i got told the other day i was thought to be about 27. thats older than cassie one of my bffs. well thats compleately true. i feel a whole lot older than i really am i aim stuck again hating that im 21. i wish i was older all the time i always have i always wished i was older than i really am becasue i dont realte to those some call peers. i felt 21 when i was honestly like 17 or 18. or younger. like really i feel honest to god i feel like i should be like 25 or 26 at least. perhaps acording to life advantages and disadvantages and bumps and grinds and experiences and excursions. but anywyas. point is im ready to move on i thik. to carry on something solid and foundational. something real and honest ad pure. maybe this is it. the one where i dont need anyone else. i heard it happen to people before. but i also hear a lot of shit about love and i dont know what to expect really but i think i got my self in an amazing thing right here. maybe ill be all old school and like find my mate when im 21 for ever..... you knever really know. like hti s girl is a little of everything i always liked about girls and women in genral. its amazing what i feel inside and for er . sometimes i think its compleatley unreal. and i compleately underestimated myself and surely dont deserve this. like i dont want to say to much but im really happy and i got alot going for me and i think i might just want to disappear for a while to to start a new from ground up i always said from ground up i have to start. and theres always steps to that and in a relationship you have to compromise and get long and all that. and its easy and good and i like it. oits a challenge. i heard it once called like a vedo game. i am very sure im on a good thing and allthat. so baby steps as they say and and one step at a time they also say that. one foot in fron of the other. it will be okay and alright. maybe its a good thing to just vanish for a while. not like anyone would notice. but wheni return ill be beter. thats my goal to get better in all ways. and mostly to gain insight. and be awesome. but 10X!!!

i want to scream then i want a hug

drifted. drifting. drafting. floating away. away from all things. burning bridges. running away. burrowing inside. lost. lost inside me. my own madness my own sacrifices. my own vices. burrowing to save myself. to hide. to escape. escapism tactics work , only sometimes. unknown where to go and where to turn. most likely un known how to mark my own step. really need to make my own thing but unsure what that even is anymore. don't know where to go and how to turn it over. just don't know. lost confused. blank. static noise. nothing . faintly alive, barely there. silent, not deadly., but dead inside.
you wouldn't know.. this society dosen't understand how to handle a sad, depressed, overly emotional person when there not used to it. there used to happy bubbly awesome likable jazz, not this sad fell into a deep hole one day/ and needs a hand getting out. maybe i need a hand. maybe i dont want to ask. and i dont want  you to answer but deep inside everyone knows im lying. i would just  rather burst into flames. and forget about it. sorry but that's a litle harsh. i know i haven't written in a while. and i don't. i recently bought two journals. i haven't written a mark. i just look at them. what am i suppose to say. how sad and depressed i am and how i long nothing and want to do nothing so i do nothing each day; everyday its nothing. just plain crap. ...it makes my hand hurt. i remember, i wrote everyday while in b.c and i made sure to write, even if it was just about me watching t.v. i need to write its. my outlet. even if i can't write prose right now. i can't just be silent; really. kind of self destructive. in a sense. like who gives a shit. i've thought of some pretty self destructive shit last few days so i kinda made a habit of trying to be stoned and blank and or sleeping so i dont act on the kinds of stuff i think about i wont say coz i dont want an intervention. so instead ill just not act on my decisions and be the strong on in my own battle of wits. but im frantic and im drowning in my own self unknown what to say to myself.  how to dig myself up again. just keep beating me down. it seems easier than starting from nothing for the how many times now. kind of sad if you think about it. kinda like i have all  these hopes and dreams but i can never make the right first steps. to really get up and out of this hole i so much find myselff in too much too often. without anything. over and over again. and again. how long till i figure the worldd out. and how it works so i can be the rich one the one who can afford something my own place my own way. wwithout relying on other people. other stuff other everything. what happened to my sense of responsibility and respect and my independence. its lost thru the cracks. cant seem to find anymore. fresh out. need to figure out a way to figure it out. everyone can lecture me and tell me there advice but really i dont know how to take it and how to take anything. my best friend yelled at me the other day; i kno, it was absolutely terrifying. i never want to see him again coz i knew i was in deep shit and i feel like crap and shit and all of the above and i just feel crappy and i know there pissed off at me and im pissed off at me coz there pissed off at me and i cant handle it now we . i and burning my bridges everywhere its horrible. i want to help it but i cant...   we aint talking for god knows how long. just boom coz i chose to be and gry and melt in it and then it went overboard and i kno that. it shouldn't of went overboard that much just been a simmer. but i am overly emotional and i can't figure out. feeling destroyed. hits to my ego and emotions all over the place. things just hurt. i want to be alone so i dont have to feel the hurt of being scolded and yelled at or even talked to anymore. just crave silence but silence isn't silence anymore. just need to focus on something. anything . unknowing. dont know. feels numb. feels unreal. just need to find grip in an weightless world. blurrrr

furious,.

the silence is killin me. yet is really isnt silence. its a low humming of machinery as it cranks and cackles in this small space. cant hardly take it anymore. ready to go absolutely crazy. am going crazy. cant actually do the things i supposed to. cant focus. cant find motivation. all the thoughts in my head are louder than ever. i almost cant take it. i need to zen and focus. cant focus. falling asleep. cant even get a cup of coffee. cant do anything paralyzed in a trance of silence a nd noise clashing together. its unbearable. torture toa  soul like me. have nothing to do. cant do it. freaking out. need to focus. aurgh going in circles cant think. cant feel anytmore. people are the last thing i need to see. im freaking annoyed at life about now. you cant take this away from me. i needs it all the time. all the time.  this silence of my thoughts is dkilling me just as much. coz my voices gett ired of each other after a while and simmer down then the humm of the machines just intimidates me savagely. like a mouse in a cage i cant get out i cant do anything. tell me why you are doing this what did i ever do to you.

they've taken my music away from me. how dare they. how can they. some head guy just walks in a says no more music or you fail your mystery shops and your inspections even if you had a good score. like how the fuck is one supposed to find motivation in an environment like that. i just couldnt do it. worst 8 hours of my entire life. and my techno wouldnt to the same hing as having my music. like what did i do to deserve that. to me. the music helps me work and i hope they fuckking got the point. that im just tired of this. you dont take that one thing away from me. anything i can handle. no smoke breaks or more work. but take my music i will nto work i will nto doing a thing. i cant find the motivation to. not at all. i refuse. i hope you get it petro. or ima quit on you and then what are you gunna do. nothin coz you cant. you fail petro for keeping your employees happy and centent. this isnt contentment this is a lash out and a revloution! i dislike  your decisions reverse them for everyone involved becasue im not the only one here who hates this. everyone dose. it isnt fair. >.<

weird odd dream.

i was at work. i was locked in the back room with somebody i dont remember but there were bomber and robbers coming in thru the door hundred they made us hostage. but then i swithced to a different episode but samme place when i was behind the counter gettting prepped for some drill that was going to happen then it wasnt a drilll it was actually real and we didnt kno what to do. there was a huge vehical backed inside the store with a rounded edge. i dont remember much but there were people i knew, the color red, my place of work, in the back room and behind the counter.  and people in black. now its getting choppy as i try and reember it. i hate dreaming i never remember and my dreams are so fucked up and weird.

then i was in a house and someone was wating to get rid of my moles...